I've been trying to climb out of my hole of depression lately.
I haven't told anyone how I've been feeling because seriously, I need professional help.
All last week I was in a dark dark place.
Dark enough to where I started planning my suicide and obituary.
And so, I decided to seek professional help.
And the mental health system in NYC is so fucked.
I called around to speak to someone. Everywhere you call, you have to make an appointment.
The place closest to me that is free to low cost, I called to make an appointment. Its just one lady. I left her a message. She called me back days later while I was at work. I called her back an hour later. Let's see when she calls me.
I seriously could be dead right now.
If you guys have been reading this blog for a while, you know I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager. They didn't really know what it was back then. Now, it has a name. I've just come to grips with the fact that yeah...maybe I can't handle this shit on my own.
Hopefully, the lady will call me back before I have another destructive episode.
I always know when I'm on the decline when my space starts looking crazy.
My apartment is so disheveled. Papers and clothes everywhere.
No food really because depressives dont eat.
I was talking to a coworker and I told her that I have to force myself to eat because if I don't, I still wont feel hungry but I will get a raging headache and I'd feel light-headed. She was like....why dont you eat? I told her a story like...oh yea, I just don't feel hungry.
Anyways...I made a promise to myself to fight for my life. I have been doing that with all the strength I have in my body. I've been reminding myself of who would miss me when I'm gone. Who will take care of my dog? Who will find me? Shit like that. Sometimes, doing that makes it possible to live just another day. All last week, it was literally ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Even if you're not depressed, trying to date in NYC will make you want to end it all.
I've been on OkCupid a lot lately. I went on a date with a guy and he was awesome on paper - loves to travel, stable job, car, no kids, super supportive of me. He was my height when I met him in person. Like..seriously, 5"3. and thin, It was so awkward hugging him. I felt like a gorilla.
I'm trying to be positive about my dating life.
I feel like...if I look at the last few people that I've dated...its getting better.
Since dating Aussie who was not as smart and didn't make as much money as me.
I've dated Claude who is smart, educated, has a house and money but had a small penis and no ambition.
Then I had a sexual relationship with Kevon who was all the things Claude was but had a big penis but couldn't kiss. What 40 year old man can't kiss? YUCK!
Then there was Max who had everything K had except a house but whoa..passion.
Then Wiley who has a car, apt, college education, career but is boring as fuck. Like, made me want to sleep talking to him. (no sex)
The dude I talked about who was short.
And now this dude who seems really cool. His name is K. He's a teacher He's funny and smart and actually calls. We'll see what happens.
I'm still planning on going to Miami in March but I feel like at least my prospects are looking better.This song has been speaking to me when it comes to relationships.
Like...the next time I fall in love, it has to make me feel better.. Yes!!!