Wednesday, October 15, 2014

swirls of thoughts....

I officially start work on Sunday... YAYYYYYYY! 
Way off my initial plan to start work in September, giving myself 6 months of saving to move in March.
So, April it is!


The last pleasant day I had was with my mom...we went to eat something and shopping and I went home. It didn't involve any public transportation or work, which is sad because...who can really go out to eat and shop without a job.

And...who commutes by car to their job in NYC anyway???? It's insane.

Literally, without fail EVERY DAMN DAY some fuckshit happens. Who can live like this? I'm becoming so angry. So, I need to scrimp and save as much as I can to get the hell out of here.
Can you feel the frustration???

Moving along...
Someone on tumblr posted something that said. ..

Repeat after me:
Date someone who matches you in emotional development.
Date someone who matches you in emotional intelligence.
Date someone who can support you emotionally.
This speaks to my soul especially with (that dude with the money and bed situation). I reached out to him in subtle ways when I was really contemplating suicide. Just on some...

"Yo, I'm having a bad day. I feel like I'm going to lose it"

and dude would be like "Lol"

WTF son?

or would be like "faux zen-meditative choose to be happy" fuckshit..

(fuckshit is my new favorite word.)

And, it was like BRUH!!!! I'm trying to reach out to you. At the time, he was the only person I was talking to...about like anything...not just romantically

and it was like, I couldn't be a real person and talk about real shit.

Do you know how stifling it is to have play a role all day - beauty expert/extrovert and have real problems - suicidal thoughts/depression and then have a friend have fucking shallow ass conversations with you?

Do you know how horrible and dehumanizing it feels when someone doesn't have any interest in getting to know the real you?

And I understand that people are going through their own stuff but it really doesn't take much to listen and empathize. I do that all day in spite of how shitty I feel, I put on a fucking smile and turn on the charm and people buy that I'm a happy person.

Anyway.....I'm on that no days off plan with work until I get to Miami.
In other news, loving this song.


Tiffany said...

fuckshit! I'm going to start using that.

i do the same thing all the time. put on a front. the fake smile always wins.

Miss♥K said...

Ive experienced that and it fuccin sux. I had a convo about eh I guess 3 months ago now with a friend who didn't feel much like a friend when I reached out to him. He's got a host of problems yes indeed but when he asked me what was wrong and I confided in him he was like 'well you just can't lay around all day in bed- life doesn't work that way' and he was basically like get over it and move on I was APPALLED! I was like no he didn't - this is what prompted me to post a PSA on my IG page cause I was like how dare you - you don't tell someone who's confided that they're depressed to just get over it- if it were that simple we would just get over it- and never even mention to anyone- depression and suicidal thoughts are nothing to play around with and not easy to just pick up and go from - I held my real feelings in for about a month and then I finally let him have it- I was so upset and hurt-I told him yeah I know you have what you consider to be way bigger problems that I do HOWEVER everyone doesn't deal with life's 'fuckshit' the same- everyone can't just go go go and get over it-- he eventually apologized but yeah from one extrovert to another girl I feel you it's hard keeping a smiling face when deep down all you wanna do is cry and just sleep. I feel you girl hang in there -im sure leaving NYC will renew you ((hugs)) from Lady O