Monday, December 1, 2014

all me

I took a driving lesson today.
 I take my road test on the 18th. I may need to reschedule.
 Anyway, the instructor said I'm good. I just need to work on my turns which have been a struggle for me. Do you have anyone you can practice with? he asked. I said yes. but I have a mother. I have friends with cars but everyone is too busy to help me.

 ANd then I started thinking about other shit I needed support on. And really, I have no support in other areas of my life either. My entire life, I've had to pull myself up from my own bootstraps and make shit happen. And people are always like....oh you're so strong. You have no emotions. And I'm like...if I fall apart, who is there to pick me up and put me back together?? If I need help, who do I really have to call? And my friends are like, you should call me. And then I do and they're not available.

 Do you know how tiring and frustrating that shit is?????? You have to build in your own safety nets. You have to double and triple check everything because if something goes wrong or doesn't work out, you have NO ONE you can call. Do you know how lonely and devastating that shit is???? Do you know what that says about your self-worth? That no one is around to really be there for you.

 All the times I felt suicidal I would rather call the helpline than a friend because that friend wouldn't even be there for me anyway. IF you look at my life from afar, its like...oh, you have siblings. You have friends. You know so many people. I'm the loneliest person I know. So lonely, a 10-lb dog is the most consistent being in my life.

 I just want someone to have MY back. I want someone to be there for ME completely. That seems like the hardest shit to find. Even for something so simple as a car to practice my turns. No, there is no one for me to call. And I pass by an empty car everyday. And I look at other people surrounded by family and friends and I'm like....that is so awesome.

I wish. I wish. I wish. I just did I do in a past life to deserve solitude?

1 comment:

Monique said...

Are you still planning to move? Maybe that fresh start looming on the horizon is making your antsy. I'm just as soon as you move, things will start to look up.