this fish

oh...i thought i was away from the blog for longer. it certainly feels like it.

i feel so unmotivated.
laundry is piled high. dishes have been in the sink since forever. i can't remember the last time i went grocery shopping. cleaning the house is a project. looking for jobs feels like i'm looking for gold. i don't think i'm depressed. i'm just blah.

the only real things that keep me going are rugby and rocky.
if i am not up to get his morning walk in, he poops on my carpet. that's great motivation, yes?! yes.

if i take an extended nap in the middle of the day and miss play time or his afternoon walk, he whimpers at the foot of my bed and doesn't really stop until i either get up or fall deep enough to sleep i don't hear him anymore. luckily, he pees on a wee wee pad in the far corner of the living room all on his own! YES!!!! it is an ideal spot because no one can see yellow-stained pads on my floor.

rugby starts next thursday. i am SO not ready.
it was awesome to play in college. the only other sport i liked was soccer. this game has the weird rules of a soccer game but i can release the beast - the stress and aggression i feel almost all the time. i've been running with rocky every day. right now, i can't run more than half a mile but baby steps.

why is it so hard to get motivated???????

rugby rules in case you have no clue what it is.


bff is really upset over punjabi. he's not being the nurturing father to be at all. it is really sad. she's asked him every day for a back rub. he either says he will do it and doesn't or changes the subject. last week, his live-in girlfriend moved out. he still didn't tell her why. so, she moved back in the next day. she said she wants another fertility procedure with him and if he doesn't concede, she's not leaving. a week later, she said she would move out to be with her sister. maybe said sister talked some sense into her. bff is slowly realizing that she's been an idiot to be with this dude. she said to me, "i'm going through all of this ridicule from my family who knows the situation. my friends - ya'll love me so you're not being too harsh but i know ya'll are looking ar me sideways. i'm going through all these emotional changes. constant headaches, nausea, a roller coaster of emotions and for nothing..to give this man a baby." heavy stuff. anyways...the live-in gf doesn't want a house. she wants a family with him. live-in and bff are crazy. why would you want a family with someone who is morally corrupt?

i went to see an erotic poetry show on sunday. the lawd's day!
wow.
it was amazing. there were men and women, gay and straight. funny, sensual, freaky and open.
it was a great show. i thought i would leave and have to hump something immediately but it kind of reinforced my celibacy. all of the things people were talking about were things i want to do...BUT not with some loser i can't even look back on the experience and smile about. Jesus, send me my husband!

i am very attracted to this transman (transexual male. used to be a woman but is now a man) and i was confused. whyyyyyy? he's freaking sexy. i posted his pic before. he has really smooth chocolate skin with a goatee. his arms, chest, back, abs are all on point. he hits the gym everyday. he's really smart, funny and flirty. but then, i started thinking...about him naked. he still has a vagina. which kind of ruins the sexual aspect. but, he has everything else. part of the allure of having sex to me is making that person feel good. to get personal...(haha) i do kegel exercises and stuff like that to make sure when a man penetrates, it feels damn good. i want him to feel me and i want to feel him. no matter HOW realistic a dildo is...that just won't do. i will continue to flirt and stuff. he knows the deal. after our last talk, he looked deep in my eyes and said.."too bad you're straight." yes. yes....too bad indeed.

this was also at a dinner where i kissed a gay guy. my friend db is so freakin sexy...another smooth-skinned chocolate brother. i've loved him since 2004! we were all at dinner...i was the only straight girl at a table of 10 gays..our friend died last week (gay man) and we had just left his funeral...drinks were flowing. we were reminiscing over him...and then talk came to what do you want to do before you die? db without hesitation kissed me on the lips. i was stunned but i liked it.do you know this boy was tryna make out with me at the dinner table with our friends...TOO MUCH! he wants to make a date to make out...he said he's never made out with a girl before.

it is so easy to cross the line and become out of control.

what else is going on????????
some other stuff...will share later.

p.s. title of this post comes from the blog: "this fish needs a bicycle"...love that blog and the title. it's from a quote that says "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." to which the blog author says...this fish needs a bike. clever.