(long post..but aren't all of my posts long?)
it has been 4 days since rocky died. it has felt like 2 weeks...easily.i feel as though those closest to me have never really experienced moments of sadness from me and thus, do not know how to handle such moments when they arise.i needed to be left alone.to deal with my own thoughts without fear that i'd end up consoling someone else (which usually ends up happening.)i needed to process. to go through the stages of grief without someone in my face. expecting. not sure exactly what they'd be expecting but they have that look on their face.
my apartment is borderline disgusting. i havent' cleaned. i've left things where ever they have decided to fall and i'm trying to get my act together. i'm just damned tired.sadness plus a new job, i guess.
at work, i have to put on a smiling face and pretend that everything around me is all roses. i also have to present myself a certain way and so that has helped, actually. i can't call out day 1 of work. i can't show up day 1 looking disheveled and crazy. so, i was forced all week to stretch myself..to shower, put on a full face of makeup and smile.maybe that was the hand of God. my sister thinks so.
people have said extremely dumb shit to me. starting with the guy who tried to help me catch rocky. a few hours later, after i'd cried myself into a headache that wouldn't quit i walked to the store. he and his friend were sitting out on their stoop. i walked by and they started whispering. his friend goes.."hey, did you cry?" i said, "excuse me?" he said, "did you cry over your dead dog?" i said, "fuck you think?" he said, "i was just wondering you bitch."and then various other people wondered aloud if i'd get a new dog, starting with my mom, just 2 hours after rocky had died. maybe you guys see the allure of putting myself in a bubble now.
i'd like to take this time to thank everyone who reached out to me! especially wynsters for threatening to show up at my house. love you boo! but no...thanks for all your support guys!i wanted to knock someone's head off their shoulders. but that could be the anger stage of grief talking. i haven't gotten around to packing up his stuff. i'm not sure if i want to give it away to someone who has a dog or keep it or throw it out or whatever. its the little things getting to me. like i still wake up 30 minutes early to walk him and then i wake up like...oh. or, i do things with him in mind every day like.let me close my bedroom door so he doesn't get into my shoes and then i do it like..oh. or, if have tissue in my purse, i remove it before i put my purse on the couch because i know the dog always gets it and then its all over my living room.i walk in the door expecting to see him. i go to bed waiting or i sit on the couch for him to jump on me. and then i remember he's not there. all week i had to take something to go to sleep because every time i closed my eyes i saw the whole thing happen again. smh. i'm trying. i know it will get better.
canine passing aside...this week has been extremely informative and productive for me as an artist.clinique is all about skin and skin care.
honestly, i have great skin. i understand it. i know how to keep it looking decent and it all has to do with genes and doing the wrong things early and paying dearly for it. that aside, what i know about skin care seems to be very limited as i am working for a company whose main bread and butter is skin care. i also suck at matching foundation on white, indian and asian women. the bulk of my work has been black women and the ladies of other races i've worked with have been easy to match since i had some time to think about it or have worked as professional models long enough to know what their shade of makeup is -- so, i've been cheating basically. i'm learning.
also, i worked with clinique foundation only when a model brought their own in..other than that...mac all the way. if i were working the mac counter, i could match more easily since honestly, they have way more specialized shades than clinique.98% of the people who show up at the counter are not black. 80% of those non-black people don't speak a lot of english. even still my average sales for this week was about $800 for the day which rocks. it would rock more if i got commission but...i'm not there to stay. i'm planning on being there for about 2 years. if i become managament in 2 years, i might consider staying or if i'm in school, i need to pay for that ish. or a better job. lots of ORS but the bottom line is...i'm pitching a tent not building a house.
i'm rusty when it comes to the workforce. i've never quite had to depend on other people as an actual team as opposed to a fictitious team they say you are in the workplace to boost morale when you hardly speak to your cubicle-mate. but i have to depend on my coworkers very heavily. even more heavily because there are like 20 drawers where all the merchandise is held that are unlabeled (WTF for?!) and i'm super new and the cash register is weird for me and i need help matching foundations. i feel like a fish out of water flapping around like crazy while trying to smile and be confident.one thing i learned this week:if you act like you know what you're doing but don't say anything contrary..people will believe you.if you say you know what you're doing but act like you don't..people will not believe you.i smile. i'm super nice and i'm confident.i'm also hella cautious.
you smash 7 girls at a makeup counter the size of a utility closet and there is going to be DRAMA!sales (of course) are a major thing. no one has stressed me about it because i'm new and my sales are pretty good. i'm sure they think i'm promising but are watching me with bated breath because as i was told, everyone is a superstar the first month. the 2nd month, they get burned out a bit. we'll see.so, its time to add my coworkers to this lil blog of mine. yes? yes.as always, names are changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent.
first person i met was:frenchie - frenchie is tall, busty and slim. she's 39 but looks 25. the eyes and mannerisms give her away. i thought she was dominican for some reason but she's jamaican. she's nice, patient and helps me a lot so i give her some of my sales.
daria - black girl (?) who speaks spanish. she's funny and i think she likes me in that sister-girl way. has a major ATTITUDE. hates the job. was the one who told me we don't get commission while makeup counters everywhere else get at least 3% + they make more. i also realized i make more money than her. i make 90 cents more. i found that out because she was saying something about....
shy - shy is a spanish girl who has a dry personality. she's causing a lot of drama because all the other girls hate her, basically. she's the manager's pet and was basically out for a month without calling when the policy is 3 days no call no show and you're out the door. then, she got her gratis (free stuff the company gives you each quarter) because they said "she never left" and she was never penalized for missing a whole month of work. shy goes super hard promoting and getting customer sales. she also (as i've seen) makes a huge deal of everything. someone said something to her in a manner she didn't like and it was a conversation for an hour at least. AND she involved a manager. i was like...really? meanwhile, she said something to me i didn't like and i let it slide. the next time, i'll call her out on it. and then hear her talk about it for an hour. *rolling my eyes*
raoutie - indian girl with very bad bad skin. her makeup is always a little too much and she has an overbite. she's very peppy and speaks very loudly like all the time. she says my name wrong. like n-eh-na instead of nee-na if that makes sense. its annoying. she's nice enough, i guess. *shrug*monroe - 33 but looks 19. she's very particular and she has to do things a certain way. she's nice and helpful but she loves to tell me what to do. and i just look at her and don't do it. i like when black girls wear bright pink lips but hers are a little too bright. then, she doesn't blend her makeup in at her jawline so she ends up with a mask-like thing where you see where he skin is and where her makeup begins.
zhang - is chinese. i don't really talk to her and i'm fine with that. i smile at her. she smiles back. i thought she got an attitude with me when i was helping some chinese girls. especially when she said something to them in chinese and they responded in english that i was helping them. (like she tried to steal my sale) but..whatevs. sherice is on vacay so i haven't met her.
alice is my boss. she's jamaican and has bad bad skin. dark marks that you can see through makeup. she needs mac not clinique.she seems cool. i heard to watch out for her because she gets loose with the lips. hopefully, i give off the vibe that i'm nice but to not get to slick with me. manager or no, there's a way you talk to people, capiche.
i heard another manager at the beginning of the year was waiting for her at the train station to whoop her ass after she said something to her she didn't like. WOW.
i think i'm going to write a book called counter girls where i satire what my experience has been like. we'll see. other stuff happening. hopefully, i can get some posts out soon.