The hardest question to ask and answer is....what do I want?
Probably because when we answer it and acquire what we thought the answer was, we go on and want something else.
The last 2 years of working was spent with me wanting to be job-less freelancing around the city operating in my passion.
2 years of unemployment freelancing and I just wanted a job.
I have a job and I want to be on unemployment again just chilling. Well, that's not exactly right. I'm not exactly sure what I want professionally but you get the point.
So, I'm asking myself...What do I want?
In relation to the upcoming year. In relation to my upcoming meetup with Aussie.
I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life. I feel the gravity of every decision I make.
Do I want to be with Aussie?
I keep asking all the married couples I know about the logistics of marriage, their reasons for entering into the institution and so forth.
The main question I ask is...was th decision made out of practicality or passion?
Aussie and I have passion. I'm burning with it but is it practical to look to build something with him?
When I ask myself that the answer frightens me. In many ways, he reminds me of my father. Whoa.
The same gruff manner. The same adoration of me. The same willingness to provide.
In the back of my mind I wonder if I'm just settling. I never saw myself with someone who resembled my dad. I always say myself with some artist type with a lot of degrees and crazy hair.
If you ask Aussie why he wants to be with me...he will tell you its because I'm nice, I can cook and I shag like a minx.
If you ask me why I want to be with him. Its because he listens to me, he makes me laugh and he shags like a jackhammer. lol
I don't trust him because he's lied to me in the past (out of shame of his living situation) and he's hot. Girls throw their panties at him.
Tomorrow, I'm praying it doesnt rain. I want to sit and picnic with him and have a deep discussion about love and such. I want to see where his head is at.
I'm thinking marriage. Not right away of course but in 2 - 3 years. I never thought about getting married as a little girl. Or teen. Or adult. All of a sudden, that's all I think.
Who knows...maybe he doesn't even want to be with me. Maybe he just wants sex.