"So what are you guys now?" BFF asked post-whatever with me and Aussie.
"Nothing," I responded.
"What are you thinking?" she asked.
"I can do better."
Aussie is like a nice sugary sweet glass of lemonade when you're thirsty. You really need water but you like sweet things and so you drink it knowing it will satiate you for a while but the the thirst will creep back up and you'll want water.
Sounds bad but true and we've all done it.
There is something specific that I'm missing from a man. People tell me to seek Jesus and all that...I haven't really sought Jesus specifically but you can't really pray your voids away. I think I got disappointed when even Aussie couldn't fill that void.
"You dating someone?" my friend JK randomly asked me on our way home from church the other night.
"Kinda. I like him because he reminds me of my dad in his gruff way but my dad could spell and use proper grammar."
She laughed so hard!!
"I wonder, 'Is the person I'm trying so hard to be with...does God have someone better waiting for me when I'm done trying to be all up in his face?'" I said and then asked her if she asked herself the same question. She's been with her boo for years.
She said the answer changes daily. The spelling thing is her pet peeve too.
Anyways...there is a specific type of man I see myself with - that tantalizes me - that makes me melt but these men who embody that are all taken. I found myself stalking this dude's relationship on facebook feeling super-envious of what they have (from the outside) and I had to tell myself to relax.
Later, when I remembered I was Christian, I thought of 1 of the commandments:Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that [is] thy neighbour's."
RELAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX Homie! Relax.
I know one day in the future, I'm going to read this and remember this time so clearly - time of restlessness in my spirit and insecurity in every aspect of my life and I'm going to shake my head, tell myself at this age that it works out in the end, kiss my kids and my husband and chuckle about how a mess I was.
Until them....relaaaaaaaaaaax homie.