Thursday, September 17, 2009

Mind Escapes Me

I have lots to blog about but I just didn't feel like it...

Selfish of me. I know. Sorry.

Life moves quickly and I sometimes wonder if I'm in the fast lane going slow. I see and feel the other cars moving past me but I'm not even driving.

Does that even make sense?

I'm talking to some new dude. Its funny. I never mention talking to a dude to anyone until its been a month or two. I hate being asked..."What happened?" Boo.Hiss.Boo.

This dude has written a book on dating and relationships. I have to cop it. Afterwards, we'll see if I'll still be talking to him. I do like him because he's real and he's inspiring me to be better than I am. He doesn't know it. I'll never tell...well never is strong but...whatevs

Moniker for him..hmmm.....Carter. Idk why...I just like it. Lol.

Three things bother me about him:

1. I'm no small fry. I'm a size 18/20. He talks a lot about women being fat and stuff. Umm..yea

2. He has a youtube channel where he gives advice as well and I doooo not like a man that talks too much. *surprisingly enough, I asked Afroman about it. He said maybe that's his only outlet.

3. He talks about sex and God. Like..."God wants us to be happy. Sex makes me happy..." He does talk about being responsible. Yadda yadda. I just don't know how I feel about that.

We'll see where that leads. He's in South Carolina. In in BK. Umm, yea.
"Nina, you can have sex tonight if you wanted to," Twin said that to me a couple of days ago. "You've got dick right next door. I know gay guys that would fuck you. Stop frontin like you can't fuck."

(Damn Twin!)

I suppose he's right. Its so easy to fall into old habits...having sex to fill voids where insecurities, loneliness and unfulfilled in other areas of my life lay.

"All it takes is one phone call..." I just tweeted that and got a barrage of angry tweets from people I have to call back (lol) or curious folks wanting to know what I mean and other folks implying their own meaning.

I've been having dreams about an ex. He's been on my mind lately. I don't know why. I'm so scared for him - all the time. He's a crip. He has been since he was 11. Now he's 24. He's an OG. Sometimes, I don't want to be seen with him. I get scared. I don't want some gang garbage to pop off. Every month it seems like some "friend" of his is dying. I can't....

I actually got a cold. I've been sniffling all week...another reason I haven't been blogging. (Look at me finding excuses)

I can kiiinda taste and kiiiinda smell. Yay for me! I'm a winner!

You guys can tell this post is mad random and really just my unfiltered thoughts. If I weren't "anonymous" I'd vlog buuuuut I! Lol

I think its important to break out of the "weekend recap" blogging. Bleh

I'm searching for something. I'm searching for that someone to make me complete. Cheese-ball. Yes. But, this week I've felt it so much. Must be the cold. When you're sick and there's no one there to fetch your tea, sucks giant monkey balls!

I keep telling myself I'll get over it. I'm not so sure. This is why I'm scared I'll break my celibacy to fill that lonely void...even just for a moment. Ugh!

I haven't been kissed since January...I'm about to start kissing random strangers in the street. Mess around and catch TB

Went to this dope party last night. It was hosted by Perez Hilton and sponsored by Alize at this warehouse type thing.

Funny part is...the outside looked so crappy. The inside was amazing. It was lined in sequins or reflective tile. DJ was hot. Free drinks were floooowing. Lady Gaga, Paris Hilton was there. Perez took pics with my friends. He had on a daggone Mickey Mouse shirt, no pants, and Nike dunks. Word, Perez? I was so not feeling well but felt like I needed to go. I wasn't taking pics with anyone.I was in a mood what you're famous...Friends said this photog was staring at me. He took a pic. I know I look crazy. My make-up has been off. Lol. I don't care. My off-make-up is better than some people's ON. Cocky. Yes. You love it.

I'm working on a line of make-up bags and T-shirts. That's some exclusive talk right there....

Hard to do things brooooooke. My paycheck comes tomorrow and I will have zero dinero. Uggggghhhhhh!

Brokeness!! Brokeness!!

Trying to make connects. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying but not hard enough because my mind floats away like a child that gets easily distracted at times. What I want to do is bigger than me.

BFF and I went out for drinks Monday night....Day 1 of my cold where I still had tastebuds. She was 30 minutes late because she was meeting up with Punjabi. She didn't lie to me about it but she wasn't truthful. (Where I was standing, she would have to pass me in order to get to the restaurant. She calls me and she's already there. I asked how did she not pass me. She said she didn't know. She kept smiling and texting. I grabbed her phone...mad texts from dude about how good she looked that night. Busted! He drove her.) Then when she got caught, she was smug. Like, yes...he was sitting in his car. You walked right past him. I was so hurt. I literally was about to cry. You make me wait in the cold to be with this dude?? After you didn't do squat the whole day.....that moment I changed. Our relationship changed I think. Like...I said to myself, I can't love someone else that much anymore. I can't love BFF so ferociously where I want better for her than she wants for herself. I'm tired.
I want to distance myself because I can't watch the foolishness and obviously, my intervention attempts don't work. At the same time, if I distance myself, she'll go closer to Punjabi. Damned if you do. Damned if you don't. Any suggestions on what I should do?

Are we liking the stream-of-consciousness blogging? I think you get to see more of my personality and it gets better the more you
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Trish said...

Hm...let's see. As far as BFF I see it as you do look out for her as much as you do for yourself if not more. Friendships are like relationships, a give and take. If one person is steady taking and draining you, you're doing yourself a disservice.

Ultimately if she was going to deal with him it seems that it wasn't contingent about you being around because she was sneaking to see him anyway. If you need a little time to get your head together by all means do it. If you don't look out for Nina, who will?

Hope you're feeling better!

Jaded said...

Ok seriously, I've been stalking your blog for entirely too long not to comment. Sheesh.

As for your BFF: I have this friend, who just recently became a mom. She's always been the real diplomatic one of us. You know making sure peace was had within the group, coddling when necessary. Good shit right? Well, we had this convo about inviting a mutual friend on a trip and she says: IDK Jaded, I just wanna be KJ's (her son) mom. In other words, you aren't her mom. You can support her, you can want whats best for her, but ultimatly, you are just you.

And I know wayyyyyyy easier said than done.

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