Bruh

So, I went on a date with this dude I reconnected with on FB from high school. The date was great.  He was charming, funny and sexy. When we went to school, he was shy and nerdy. We went out a second time with BFF and her college roommate. He was the same. After a few drinks, I got a little touchy Feely. Cool.

BFF said that he was giving me mixed signals. He was into me but pulling back and texting other girls. Dafuq?

So, I got the brilliant idea to just ask him outright.

"Do you have feelings for me?"
"No, I do not."
"Well, I was flirting with you pretty heavily and you didn't stop me."
"Well, I'm an attractive guy and I like the attention."
"I'm not here too boost your ego."
"Too late."

Actual conversation.

I'll just leave it at that.
Smdh!

I downloaded Tinder on my phone....because......I was curious and bored. I started talking to a whole bunch of dudes which didn't result in a lot. Here are 2 dudes I was talking to though...

1. Teddy - Actual name cuz f it.
Tall, dark, handsome, looks like a bouncer at a club but works at a management firm. Cool. We're getting along great.  Flirtatious messages are being sent back and forth. He mentions..."my fall back game is on point." I ask what he means. He says that sometimes girls get too attached and he has to cut them off. He just wants casual relations and they're cool with it until they actually have sex with him and they want to lock it down.

I said...well, as long as there is open communication BEFORE sex, that shouldn't be an issue.  Maybe something else is amiss. He agrees with me. We continue talking. He asks me a question about where I work. I answer and ask him the same. He still hasn't responded. (this was almost a week ago)

Fall back game on point for real.

I don't mind someone not being into me but I think it's cowardly to just not respond.

Like......when he said his fall back game was on point,  I should've heard a bell in my head signify that something was off with him. It you no longer want to talk to someone just say it. *rolls eyes *

2. Jeff
Our communication was a bit off because we work opposite hours. Everytime he did hav down time, he talked about Spending a lot of time out.he was flabbergasted at why I don't go to clubs. Hmmm. Red flag. I added him on IG. I see multiple pictures of him and his son which he never mentioned before.. Hmmmmm.....I poke around a little bit more...I see cutesy messages on his pictures from the same girl. I ask him. "Are you in a relationship?"
"Yes, I've been with her for 5 years."
"What? Why are you on Tinder? "
"People can't be on Tinder if they're in a relationship?"
"No! It's for singles. Some people also think it's a hook up app."
"Are you looking for a relationship? "
"No, but I'm not even going to entertain a dude with a girlfriend. That's a headache. "
"Why does every girl say that?"
"Because she's decent. "
"Sweetheart, if you want to be with someone, they're status don't matter. They could be married with 3 kids. If you want them, what's stopping you?"
"Ok, bye. "
"Does that mean you not talking to me anymore? '
"Yup."
"Good. "

I mean I couldn't even muster the energy to explain to this dude how much of an asshole he is! That poor woman of his!  Annnnnnd he's going to be teaching that foolishness to his son. Smdh! 

3. Dave
He's 37. Another one that likes to be in the club. Reeeeed flag! Why?
Let's say the youngest person he could date would be 25. Ok. What kind of quality are you getting in the club?  He's 37. He clubs every weekend. Every weekend. How much money are you wasting?  Annnnnnd, for what? I told my friend and she was like that sounds like a lonely dude if he has to club every weekend.  I agree. So, the reason I just left it alone....he always asks me what I'm doing which is usually working. Cool. What's my next day off? Monday. He says he wants to see me.we'll go to lunch. Ok. He goes clubbing on Saturday. He texts me Sunday at like 4. He just woke up. Ok. He says, the worst thing about going out is the recovery. He's going to be up all night because he slept all day. In my head I already knew that we were going to go out on Monday.

Sure enough,  Monday,  I didn't hear from him until around 6. Omg, I just woke up....

Really dude?!

He asked me what I was doing. I said, just napping. He said, "Ur a busy woman."

No....let's meet up or apologies or anything...so, I said Fuck you in my head and kept it moving.

Lawd, please deliver me from fuckboys!!!

all me

I took a driving lesson today.
 I take my road test on the 18th. I may need to reschedule.
 Anyway, the instructor said I'm good. I just need to work on my turns which have been a struggle for me. Do you have anyone you can practice with? he asked. I said yes. but really.....no. I have a mother. I have friends with cars but everyone is too busy to help me.

 ANd then I started thinking about other shit I needed support on. And really, I have no support in other areas of my life either. My entire life, I've had to pull myself up from my own bootstraps and make shit happen. And people are always like....oh you're so strong. You have no emotions. And I'm like...if I fall apart, who is there to pick me up and put me back together?? If I need help, who do I really have to call? And my friends are like, you should call me. And then I do and they're not available.

 Do you know how tiring and frustrating that shit is?????? You have to build in your own safety nets. You have to double and triple check everything because if something goes wrong or doesn't work out, you have NO ONE you can call. Do you know how lonely and devastating that shit is???? Do you know what that says about your self-worth? That no one is around to really be there for you.

 All the times I felt suicidal I would rather call the helpline than a friend because that friend wouldn't even be there for me anyway. IF you look at my life from afar, its like...oh, you have siblings. You have friends. You know so many people. I'm the loneliest person I know. So lonely, a 10-lb dog is the most consistent being in my life.

 I just want someone to have MY back. I want someone to be there for ME completely. That seems like the hardest shit to find. Even for something so simple as a car to practice my turns. No, there is no one for me to call. And I pass by an empty car everyday. And I look at other people surrounded by family and friends and I'm like....that is so awesome.

I wish. I wish. I wish. I just wonder...wtf did I do in a past life to deserve solitude?