Am so excited to start writing today..get all those thoughts out of my head...Feeling very inside my own skin today..feeling very the world is against me or is it the other way around? I don't even know anymore...
Yesterday, my day off was Bee-yoo-tee-full!
Just laid around the house all day. Half-cleaned. Was sitting in silence just lost in my thoughts...wonderful!
It truly felt like a day off. Was all by my funky self and it was great. Got my bills together and listed everything and figured out a budget and everything. Was feeling very grown..Even watched a lil tv. Smiled!
The bill aspect was scary --- feeling as if I have a lot of money I owe with only a few cents in my pockets...so I'm working like hell. I wonder if breaking into the porn industry is hard for big black women..lol...But it is a necessary evil...trying to be grown..trying to be grown!!!!
Went to sleep woke up and now I'm funky again...I think I got enough hours of sleep but its this job I think. I'm not happy at all. I feel like I'm stuck once more in another situation where people watch you to see if you're cracking at the seams...the unhappiness just pours out of people here or is that everywhere?????
This morning..the moms was in my space. She tries to be my friend..not gonna happen. I think its just years and years of taking shit off of her that I feel like I don't have to deal with her. You can pour sugar on shit and call it oatmeal. I never felt like I could trust her with my own feelings..my own mother....hmmmmm...
Back at work..missing the silence. Wondering why more people aren't like me...So vocal! I've never been one to love to hear myself talk. Never been one to want fill space with empty words...Guess it's time to wake up..but damn! That's what irks me about people...always wanting to tell them to shut the FUCK UP!
I was always that way..my house growing up was very silent unless it was us screaming at each other...I get irritated when people talk to me unannounced...my hang-ups aren't everyone's hang-ups o maybe I should get over myself....who knows!!!
So..yea...another 12-hr day here at the job..Might expect another post from me today..gotta get my thoughts together.