She talked to me as if I were an old friend.
I have that affect on people.
She and I: artists. Her spirit was calm. Like the tide before a big wave. Either she was living comfortably or she was faking. I could not tell.
His kindness was almost overwhelming as he offered me tea and took my coat. He listened to his native music and walked barefoot around the apartment. His non-threatening masculinity paired with his hospitality had thrown me. I wanted to talk with him as friends for he intrigued me.
I am not easily intrigued.
Yet, I was hired to do a job and it is frowned upon to speak to a man who is spoken for freely. At least, to me.
She talked of her life. She was in her period of harvest. She struggles for 3-6 months and then she lives off of the fruit of her labor.
"We are artists. I'm sure you would love to do what you do for free as would I but we can not live in the cycle of struggle."
She understands.
"Where is he from, your boyfriend?"
"Ivory Coast."
He was too thin for my liking anyhow. I wondered about his journey from there to the spacious studio with the woman he'd only been with for a few months. I wondered about how secure she felt with him, with them.
"We should go to Bembe," I suggested already knowing her answer, feeling the Afro-Cuban drums beat in my heart.
I felt as though our friendship had started already. She said she felt as though she'd known me.
She told me too much about herself, forgetting I am but a pretty stranger.
I have that affect on people.
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Sunday, November 29, 2009
writing
I, too have seen the Sun shining in the eyes of the one who has loved me. Felt the rays of his touch and was sunburned by his kiss. It is Winter now and each portion of life has its season. Seasons of love, of trial, of barren and of harvest. I know this with all the fullness of my being, yes. I still wish for the Sun on my face, nevertheless.
I, too, have felt the chill of Winter on my spine. Felt the wind whipping at my face.
I seek the arms of the one who loves me best. Self-reliance.
Spring is approaching but Winter will come again.
I have no regrets for time was well spent toiling in the field. Ready for the harvest.
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Monday, November 23, 2009
army of me
i never though that creating this business would take this much prayer, this much discipline..this much strength, this much....of what i don't have.
i need $2,000. i have $6 til wednesday and i just got my lady friend and i need to buy toiletries.
$1100 is for a website that will be beautiful and functional and i need it. but do i need it?
i question every purchase...justified and not justified. did i need that gum i bought on saturday? how about that juice? i could've had water. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
i am trying to build something so much bigger than myself. half the time i feel so alone. my friends, i feel, will either a) not know what to say or b) tell me to give up.either response is not the right one.
God is faithful.. my faith in Him is really what's keeping me from jumping off the building.
i.just.don't.know.
i'm asking God to open doors for me but i don't even know where to knock sometimes.i need a miracle.
i try to distract myself with men. i flirt with them. sometimes they flirt back. most often the ones i want don't want me. sometimes, the ones i kinda do get away because i didn't pursue them. sometimes they rub themselves while staring at me on nyc buses (that happened on sunday...i cant even go into it.) the bottom line is. i have no distractions. its not meant for me to...i guess....but i still want it. i officially hit 10 months no sex on nov 19th. it feels longer. i feel like if i open my legs wide, my hip bones will crack and i'll walk funny. how am i going to explain that?
sometimes, i feel so lost. i feel so sad. so angry. so confused. so lonely.
no one gets it. no one sees it.
most often, i won't allow them to.
i don't speak of it outside of this blog. i feel embarassed.
i was always the one who had it together. i was always the one with extra. all the time.
i want to scream. i want to cry. but it doesnt come out.
and then i try not to focus on the emotion because i don't want to go there.
there to the dark places i know i can go.
places where i can rationalize jumping off of buildings.
i'm fine.
i just need a break.
i swam too far to go back to the shore now.
funny stories to come, i promise.
i need $2,000. i have $6 til wednesday and i just got my lady friend and i need to buy toiletries.
$1100 is for a website that will be beautiful and functional and i need it. but do i need it?
i question every purchase...justified and not justified. did i need that gum i bought on saturday? how about that juice? i could've had water. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
i am trying to build something so much bigger than myself. half the time i feel so alone. my friends, i feel, will either a) not know what to say or b) tell me to give up.either response is not the right one.
God is faithful.. my faith in Him is really what's keeping me from jumping off the building.
i.just.don't.know.
i'm asking God to open doors for me but i don't even know where to knock sometimes.i need a miracle.
i try to distract myself with men. i flirt with them. sometimes they flirt back. most often the ones i want don't want me. sometimes, the ones i kinda do get away because i didn't pursue them. sometimes they rub themselves while staring at me on nyc buses (that happened on sunday...i cant even go into it.) the bottom line is. i have no distractions. its not meant for me to...i guess....but i still want it. i officially hit 10 months no sex on nov 19th. it feels longer. i feel like if i open my legs wide, my hip bones will crack and i'll walk funny. how am i going to explain that?
sometimes, i feel so lost. i feel so sad. so angry. so confused. so lonely.
no one gets it. no one sees it.
most often, i won't allow them to.
i don't speak of it outside of this blog. i feel embarassed.
i was always the one who had it together. i was always the one with extra. all the time.
i want to scream. i want to cry. but it doesnt come out.
and then i try not to focus on the emotion because i don't want to go there.
there to the dark places i know i can go.
places where i can rationalize jumping off of buildings.
i'm fine.
i just need a break.
i swam too far to go back to the shore now.
funny stories to come, i promise.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I'm Alive
I've decided to work at a breakneck pace. Working from 8am to 2am most days. Sunday, the day of rest is the only day I won't work (as hard.) In 5 months, my unemployment will end technically if I don't file for an extension. In 5 months, my business needs to be able to sustain my lifestyle. I need to take everything I have to make that happen.
This week has been interesting.
Wednesday, I did Adina Howard's face. I got to meet Ice Tn his wife, Coco and Tyson Beckford. The stylist who hired me ended up paying me $10. He owes me more but claims he didn't have it. He would give it to me the next day and hasn't bee picking up my phone calls. I have half a mind to show up at his house.
Anywhosies, Tyson Beckford. Oh em gee. He's effing gorgeous! I was never wild about him but in person, I was just staring at him like...oh yea baby! He's all tall and manly and beautiful with tiny eyes and full lips. Yum!
Coco sounds like me. Ice sounds like he just needs a reason to whoop some taill.
He said, "You take care, aiight." I was like...."Please don't hurt me.." In my head...lol
I've added 2 new products to my line. Exciting. Will drop them this week.
Twin said I give "tough love" and I'm not sure what that means...
Ummm...all I want to share right now...hope all is well!
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This week has been interesting.
Wednesday, I did Adina Howard's face. I got to meet Ice Tn his wife, Coco and Tyson Beckford. The stylist who hired me ended up paying me $10. He owes me more but claims he didn't have it. He would give it to me the next day and hasn't bee picking up my phone calls. I have half a mind to show up at his house.
Anywhosies, Tyson Beckford. Oh em gee. He's effing gorgeous! I was never wild about him but in person, I was just staring at him like...oh yea baby! He's all tall and manly and beautiful with tiny eyes and full lips. Yum!
Coco sounds like me. Ice sounds like he just needs a reason to whoop some taill.
He said, "You take care, aiight." I was like...."Please don't hurt me.." In my head...lol
I've added 2 new products to my line. Exciting. Will drop them this week.
Twin said I give "tough love" and I'm not sure what that means...
Ummm...all I want to share right now...hope all is well!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Friday, November 13, 2009
Go to Sleep!
I'm feeling good and energized at 3am! Excited abt new business ventures. I met some cool peeps...lots on my mind. So much so, I've been trying to sleep for the past 3hrs. Every time I close my eyes, the thoughts don't cease...
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Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Holding On...
Soooooo...boy I met on Sunday....let's call him Sean. I see right through him. I see what he's about. Buuuuut, he's the only one paying me any attention right now. So do I play the game for a little attention or do I leave it alone?
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Monday, November 9, 2009
House of Cards 2
So, we set out to the village. On the ride there, I kept making eyes at this guy who sat across from us. IDK. He was so intriguing to me. He had on this red, black and green headwrap over his locs. He had spike chains on and these big combat boots. He also had on leather gloves and a khaki colored trenchcoat. It was like he was an afro-goth. Twin and I got off the train. As we got up to get off, he got up too. He was like 6"3. Twin 6". I felt like a dwarf standing between the two. I thought he was going to get off with us. He didn't. I told Twin that if he had, I'd be worried. We got off at West 4th St...the known gay spot. He said. If he did you should've been worried anyway because he was crazy. He said I need to get laid or something because my raging hormones are effing with my judgment.
All we did all night was walk around. We walked from the West Village to the East Village to SoHo. We walked for like 2.5 hours. I enjoyed it although my feet were killing me. We wanted to go to Gonzales and Gonzales..which kind of like one step up from Chipotle. We got turned away at the door for wearing sneakers. Twin was upset. I laughed it off.
As we were riding home, we saw the two most gorgeous black dudes on the train. One had on a button down shirt. No jacket. Dude, it was like 40 degrees outside. He had a swaggerific walk where it didn't even matter.
This guy came on the train and sang. It was apparent that something was off. I gave him a dollar. After I did, he said "Keep Jesus first, haha" with the most creepy laugh. It was weird. Twin was like.."That man was on drugs." in the TV after school special voice. I just cracked up.
I had such a good time and only spent $3 the whole night. Sa-weeeeeeeet!
Saturday night, I went to Brooklyn Museum First Saturdays with Wynsters the Tigress. We went early and watched Purple Rain. OH EM GEE. Purple Rain was hor-ri-ble. We laughed throughout....it was so bad it was good. That's the only way I can describe it. I will say that it gave me a whole new respect for Prince and the live music experience. I want to go to a concert.
We danced as I ran into a whole bunch of random people that I know from different places. I felt all popular. I ran into. the hey sexy guy from this post. He upgraded to "Hello Gorgeous." I said, "Hey..how are you?" He said..."I'm good. I don't want to hold you up. Your friend is waiting. I'll find you later." So, we proceeded to the dance floor. He passed by me but didn't say anything. I didn't see him after that. What is his deal???? I'm all intrigued because I'm like...why flatter me but then don't take my number. I guess there's always next month. Right?
I saw a guy standing by himself in the corner. Wynsters pushed me to talk to him and I did. We made small talk before my nervousness kicked in and we ran away after I got his number. We danced as I starved Wynsters before we left. It was a good night.
Sunday, I woke up with just enough time to bird bath and ummm....put on the same clothes I wore Saturday night. Nothing scandalous, I sa-wear! I had a dress picked out but it was a turtleneck sweater dress and it was 70 degrees outside. I had a choice: figure something out and be late or wear what I had on the previous night and be on time.
I felt like a hooker the whole time. I wore liquid leggings and knee high flat boots to church. It'll be funny next week..I'm sure. I'm glad I went. I felt all renewed and such. I took the bus home. A few stops after mine this dude gets on the bus. He is f-i-n-e in that pretty boyish way. Light-skinned, hat, light brown eyes...yadda yadda. He's asking for change for the fare. I have it. I try to always bring change becasue I'm schizo and forget my metrocard sometimes. He has a $5 bill and needs singles + change for the bus. I say, I don't have singles but he can just have the fare. He doesn't want to take my money. Although its just $2.25. I don't think anything of it.
I get off the bus, he chases me down to ask for my number. Sweet.
I text him mine because my phone died. He calls me later.
Snippet of the conversation:
Me: How old are you?
Him: 25, you?
Me: 23.
Him: Oh, you're a baby.
Me: How am I a baby?
Him: You just are. Do you still live with your parents?
Me: No, I live alone.
(hmmmm...)
Him: What sign are you?
Me: Aquarius
Him: Oh, that means you are a bad girl.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Yes...it means you're naughty.
Me: *laughs* OK, if you say so. What's your sign?
Him: Pisces.
Me: Oh GOD!
Him: I hope that's in a good way.
Me: Pisceans are cold blooded. They get what they want and they leave you.
Him: No, baby, I'm a lover.
Me: Ok, I'll take your word for it.
Him: I can show you better than I can tell you.
(I bet.)
Me: So what are you looking for?
Him: Whatever you're looking for. Do you have a bf?
Me: No, do you?
Him: Do I have a bf?
Me: Yes *laughs*
Him: That's not even a question. Hell no, I don't have no bf.
Me: Sorry, you gotta ask these days. Do you have a gf?
Him: I have a friend.
Me: A friend?
Him: Yea, she and I do what we do but I'm not trying to go deeper than that with her. What are you looking for?
(hmmmm....bs meter goes off the charts!)
Me: I'm looking to date.
(I don't remember his response)
What I'm thinking is the signs are all there.
1. Whenever a guy asks you (even in a casual way) who you live with.
2. When he mentions or even alludes to sex
3. When he calls you a bad girl or naughty in some type of way to either make you challenge or confirm it....
all in the first convo...
its a fwb situation he's looking for.
I am so totally NOT with it.
Yes, my hormones are on 10 right now but I can't deal. I don't want to sleep with someone unless a)I know its the real thing..if you know what I mean and b) I won't feel like a big hoe bag the next day. What am I going to get out of it, really? I'll feel like my soul's going to hell and he would've gotten off.
Today, I was thinking about the other dude. I sent him a text.
"Hi N...it's Nina. We met on Saturday. I hope your day is going well. I will speak to you soon. :)"
No response.
I talked to Twin, asking if I should call him. Twin said no.
I did anyway. He didn't pick up. I feel like an idiot for not listening to Twin. We shall see. I'm going to remain hopeful.
INNNNNNNNNNNNN the meantime. I saw Blair on Friday. He looked annoyed when I spoke to him. I want to hump on something so bad. Something meaning someone who is in my top 3 lovers list. Top 3 are: 1) Aussie (not gonna happen) 2) Blair and 3)Dame.
1) Aussie...he was good at everything. He even sucked on my toes! BUT..he's an asshole who cheats.
2) Blair....I'm sure that I'm the last girl on his list of people to eff. I don't like the situation in the least.
3) Dame...I haven't spoken to him in maybe a year and a half. I miss him because he loved my body. Even my belly. He would umm...go downtown until I made him stop. He's older. As in 40+ so his stamina is not what it used to be and he can't go all night. Not like I want someone to. But, if I do..I need someone who is going to be up for it. However, he is attentive. I did things with him, I've never done before and probably wouldn't do with anyone else unless they put a ring on it. Not crazy things..just stuff like letting him tie me up..hehe
Funny how these were the last 3 people I slept with in chronological order from soonest to oldest. The next person I sex has to do what they do and better. I just really want some goooood sex. The kind that makes you grab on to the sheets begging them to stop but not really wanting to. The kind that after, you can't move because all of your energy has been expended. The kind where you feel flushed all over. You know...I want sex like how I want my politicians reliable and dirty. hahahaha
Maybe I've said too much.
Sorry for the long post.
Besos!
All we did all night was walk around. We walked from the West Village to the East Village to SoHo. We walked for like 2.5 hours. I enjoyed it although my feet were killing me. We wanted to go to Gonzales and Gonzales..which kind of like one step up from Chipotle. We got turned away at the door for wearing sneakers. Twin was upset. I laughed it off.
As we were riding home, we saw the two most gorgeous black dudes on the train. One had on a button down shirt. No jacket. Dude, it was like 40 degrees outside. He had a swaggerific walk where it didn't even matter.
This guy came on the train and sang. It was apparent that something was off. I gave him a dollar. After I did, he said "Keep Jesus first, haha" with the most creepy laugh. It was weird. Twin was like.."That man was on drugs." in the TV after school special voice. I just cracked up.
I had such a good time and only spent $3 the whole night. Sa-weeeeeeeet!
Saturday night, I went to Brooklyn Museum First Saturdays with Wynsters the Tigress. We went early and watched Purple Rain. OH EM GEE. Purple Rain was hor-ri-ble. We laughed throughout....it was so bad it was good. That's the only way I can describe it. I will say that it gave me a whole new respect for Prince and the live music experience. I want to go to a concert.
We danced as I ran into a whole bunch of random people that I know from different places. I felt all popular. I ran into. the hey sexy guy from this post. He upgraded to "Hello Gorgeous." I said, "Hey..how are you?" He said..."I'm good. I don't want to hold you up. Your friend is waiting. I'll find you later." So, we proceeded to the dance floor. He passed by me but didn't say anything. I didn't see him after that. What is his deal???? I'm all intrigued because I'm like...why flatter me but then don't take my number. I guess there's always next month. Right?
I saw a guy standing by himself in the corner. Wynsters pushed me to talk to him and I did. We made small talk before my nervousness kicked in and we ran away after I got his number. We danced as I starved Wynsters before we left. It was a good night.
Sunday, I woke up with just enough time to bird bath and ummm....put on the same clothes I wore Saturday night. Nothing scandalous, I sa-wear! I had a dress picked out but it was a turtleneck sweater dress and it was 70 degrees outside. I had a choice: figure something out and be late or wear what I had on the previous night and be on time.
I felt like a hooker the whole time. I wore liquid leggings and knee high flat boots to church. It'll be funny next week..I'm sure. I'm glad I went. I felt all renewed and such. I took the bus home. A few stops after mine this dude gets on the bus. He is f-i-n-e in that pretty boyish way. Light-skinned, hat, light brown eyes...yadda yadda. He's asking for change for the fare. I have it. I try to always bring change becasue I'm schizo and forget my metrocard sometimes. He has a $5 bill and needs singles + change for the bus. I say, I don't have singles but he can just have the fare. He doesn't want to take my money. Although its just $2.25. I don't think anything of it.
I get off the bus, he chases me down to ask for my number. Sweet.
I text him mine because my phone died. He calls me later.
Snippet of the conversation:
Me: How old are you?
Him: 25, you?
Me: 23.
Him: Oh, you're a baby.
Me: How am I a baby?
Him: You just are. Do you still live with your parents?
Me: No, I live alone.
(hmmmm...)
Him: What sign are you?
Me: Aquarius
Him: Oh, that means you are a bad girl.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Yes...it means you're naughty.
Me: *laughs* OK, if you say so. What's your sign?
Him: Pisces.
Me: Oh GOD!
Him: I hope that's in a good way.
Me: Pisceans are cold blooded. They get what they want and they leave you.
Him: No, baby, I'm a lover.
Me: Ok, I'll take your word for it.
Him: I can show you better than I can tell you.
(I bet.)
Me: So what are you looking for?
Him: Whatever you're looking for. Do you have a bf?
Me: No, do you?
Him: Do I have a bf?
Me: Yes *laughs*
Him: That's not even a question. Hell no, I don't have no bf.
Me: Sorry, you gotta ask these days. Do you have a gf?
Him: I have a friend.
Me: A friend?
Him: Yea, she and I do what we do but I'm not trying to go deeper than that with her. What are you looking for?
(hmmmm....bs meter goes off the charts!)
Me: I'm looking to date.
(I don't remember his response)
What I'm thinking is the signs are all there.
1. Whenever a guy asks you (even in a casual way) who you live with.
2. When he mentions or even alludes to sex
3. When he calls you a bad girl or naughty in some type of way to either make you challenge or confirm it....
all in the first convo...
its a fwb situation he's looking for.
I am so totally NOT with it.
Yes, my hormones are on 10 right now but I can't deal. I don't want to sleep with someone unless a)I know its the real thing..if you know what I mean and b) I won't feel like a big hoe bag the next day. What am I going to get out of it, really? I'll feel like my soul's going to hell and he would've gotten off.
Today, I was thinking about the other dude. I sent him a text.
"Hi N...it's Nina. We met on Saturday. I hope your day is going well. I will speak to you soon. :)"
No response.
I talked to Twin, asking if I should call him. Twin said no.
I did anyway. He didn't pick up. I feel like an idiot for not listening to Twin. We shall see. I'm going to remain hopeful.
INNNNNNNNNNNNN the meantime. I saw Blair on Friday. He looked annoyed when I spoke to him. I want to hump on something so bad. Something meaning someone who is in my top 3 lovers list. Top 3 are: 1) Aussie (not gonna happen) 2) Blair and 3)Dame.
1) Aussie...he was good at everything. He even sucked on my toes! BUT..he's an asshole who cheats.
2) Blair....I'm sure that I'm the last girl on his list of people to eff. I don't like the situation in the least.
3) Dame...I haven't spoken to him in maybe a year and a half. I miss him because he loved my body. Even my belly. He would umm...go downtown until I made him stop. He's older. As in 40+ so his stamina is not what it used to be and he can't go all night. Not like I want someone to. But, if I do..I need someone who is going to be up for it. However, he is attentive. I did things with him, I've never done before and probably wouldn't do with anyone else unless they put a ring on it. Not crazy things..just stuff like letting him tie me up..hehe
Funny how these were the last 3 people I slept with in chronological order from soonest to oldest. The next person I sex has to do what they do and better. I just really want some goooood sex. The kind that makes you grab on to the sheets begging them to stop but not really wanting to. The kind that after, you can't move because all of your energy has been expended. The kind where you feel flushed all over. You know...I want sex like how I want my politicians reliable and dirty. hahahaha
Maybe I've said too much.
Sorry for the long post.
Besos!
House of Cards
Do you guys still love me?
I've been posting and haven't been reading a lot...will change today!
I've been posting and haven't been reading a lot...will change today!
Its after 12, technically Monday....so yea...lol
Weekend Re-Cap!
Friday night, Twin called me. He'd had a drama-filled week! He should have a blog, lol. Let's just say it involved a sister putting a gun to her bf's head, a manager screwing him out of a hefty raise and his team turning on him. He needed a release. He wanted to go out and how could I not oblige? Only, it was cold and we had no real direction.
We set out towards the village. Twin said he felt like being gay. Lol.
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009
New Levels
I always pine for the unattainable ones....
There's something crazy in me that goes..."I must have HIM"
There's something crazy in me that goes..."I must have HIM"
Brother Wise is not cute or tall or big and burly the way I like them. He's deeply flawed, borderline mental. He's a thinker, an artist. He's charming in that way where its totally off-beat and disarming. He's honest in a way that's self-depricating but not in a fake way but he shows me the ugliest parts of himself. Yet, I don't turn away.
He's celibate too.
Our conversations usually surround his child, work, God, politics, black history...you know...the usual afro-puff topics, lol.
The last convo we had was yesterday.
It was intense...
It started off as normal and then my lil curious self asked him...
"How do you handle your celibacy?"
His answer shocked the hell out of me.
He goes to strip clubs.
The man who cuts his hair whenever he feels as though he's transgressed against God goes to strip clubs to release his sexual frustration at being celibate.
He said sometimes, it helps to transfer or release that sexual energy there and he's less likely to take a stripper home than a girl from the club.
Whoa.
Then, somehow...idk how...we started talking about anal and how the most taboo sexual acts are now the norm. He said he was too chicken to suggest it. I laughed. Pretty much every sexual partner I've had in the past 4 years (with the exception of Afroman) has wanted to try it. I'm saving that for my husband...
We talked for a long time (through FB chat...it seems to only work when I talk to him.) I told him...each time we talk our relationship deepens.
He agreed.
He calls me a funny animal name I won't discuss here. I told him I'm not that, I'm an evil vixen. He was like "why vixen?" I said because that's who I am in my head.
He was like..I'm not just that in my head...rather, I'm sexy, beautiful, seductive with a smile that is bright and pouty lips...
I was like stop right there! I don't think we should go down this road.
He said I started it. Two words created the yellow bricks and he was halfway down the block already.
I played it cool but in my head I was booking a round-trip ticket to Connecticut. Thank God for a state between us.
I've been thinking about him ever since. He's so intense. He's also deeply afraid. Going down any road with him will lead to a dead end. He won't sleep with me. Not without major MAJOR moral conflict. And really..I don't want to put him through that. He makes me smile and feel like the most beautiful woman ever. He makes me think I could love him unconditionally. If only he would let me. He's so afraid. I couldn't go there with him. He would end up hurting me irreparably simply by allowing himself to walk away.
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Sunday, November 1, 2009
Hoodini
JT and I were supposed to go on a date today.
Yesterday, we were texting back and forth trying to figure out a time. I said any time after 1:30. He didn't respond. I called later, he didn't pick up.
I was like let me fall back and see if he would call me or text.
He didn't.
I sent a text:
"I'm disappointed that we didn't get to chill today for whatever reason. I hope everything is okay. I'm sorry for bothering you..."
I'll probably never hear from him again and that is okay.
Today was a good day nonetheless. My cheeks are hurting from laughing all day. My belly is full from good food.
Talking to Twin about JT. I was reminded of a dude Gi was dating whose way of breaking up with her was changing his number, job and residence. Crazy right?
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