Monday, November 23, 2009

army of me

i never though that creating this business would take this much prayer, this much discipline..this much strength, this much....of what i don't have.

i need $2,000. i have $6 til wednesday and i just got my lady friend and i need to buy toiletries.

$1100 is for a website that will be beautiful and functional and i need it. but do i need it?

i question every purchase...justified and not justified. did i need that gum i bought on saturday? how about that juice? i could've had water. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.

i am trying to build something so much bigger than myself. half the time i feel so alone. my friends, i feel, will either a) not know what to say or b) tell me to give up.either response is not the right one.

God is faithful.. my faith in Him is really what's keeping me from jumping off the building.


i'm asking God to open doors for me but i don't even know where to knock sometimes.i need a miracle.

i try to distract myself with men. i flirt with them. sometimes they flirt back. most often the ones i want don't want me. sometimes, the ones i kinda do get away because i didn't pursue them. sometimes they rub themselves while staring at me on nyc buses (that happened on sunday...i cant even go into it.) the bottom line is. i have no distractions. its not meant for me to...i guess....but i still want it. i officially hit 10 months no sex on nov 19th. it feels longer. i feel like if i open my legs wide, my hip bones will crack and i'll walk funny. how am i going to explain that?

sometimes, i feel so lost. i feel so sad. so angry. so confused. so lonely.

no one gets it. no one sees it.

most often, i won't allow them to.
i don't speak of it outside of this blog. i feel embarassed.

i was always the one who had it together. i was always the one with extra. all the time.
i want to scream. i want to cry. but it doesnt come out.

and then i try not to focus on the emotion because i don't want to go there.
there to the dark places i know i can go.
places where i can rationalize jumping off of buildings.

i'm fine.
i just need a break.

i swam too far to go back to the shore now.

funny stories to come, i promise.


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neemie said...

1100 for a website? sheesh. there's a lot of competition for website design out there, perhaps you could find a better price.

hang in there. it's always rough at first, it will get better soon.

Trish said...

I think your abstinence committment is why doors have been opening and will continue to open. I can't believe its been 10months! Time is flying!

wynsters the tigress said...

i think doors have been opening for you because you work hard and are super focused!

also, $1100?? you need to contact web designers who are just starting out (think design schools, etc.) who need practice and sometimes do websites for super cheap. look for someone who can give you a cool look that you can sustain yourself.