How Would I Know?

He messaged me on POF a few weeks ago and in the middle of my whole ooh la la with ATL, I replied. His name is ER.He lives in Queens and is a pastor's kid. He plays drums for his church and he is there almost more than half of the week.

I have no clue when I started feeling like this and it is crazy.
But....after our first conversation, I said to myself - "This is the man I'm going to marry."

I keep telling myself to stop thinking it because it is INSANE. Neither of us are in a position to marry the other. He doesn't want a serious relationship but...there it is. I said it and if a few months from now, it doesn't work out....that's fine.

I wonder why I keep thinking it though.
 The only other person I thought that about was Afroman. I thought it because I sunk years into the relationship. I thought it was right but somehow...deep inside, I know.

This is INSANE or is it Faith?

Anway, we had our first date today. We met at a coffee shop in my hood. I biked there. He clowned me for being on a bike. I sipped an iced chai latte which he called a liquid muffin. It was so delish. We walked around the neighborhood and talked about a whole bunch of stuff.

We started talking about vices. He said that sex was one of his and he keeps falling off the wagon. (I had sex with DK on Thursday - a whole 'nother story) and somehow he got on the conversation about his wife and future kids.

I told him....I'm going to be your wife. He didn't bat an eye. He just said, "Ok." He began talking about names for his future children. Because his name begins with an E, we talked about Ethan, Eve, Ephraim, etc. We both concur that we hate Esther, Estelle and Eric as names. I really like Eve Michelle or Eva  pronounced Ava.

I said, "Since I've appointed myself as your future wife, I will agree that the kids should have E names just because the only cool names that start with the first letter of my name suck...of course, besides my name...and they can't all be named Nina.

I LIKE this guy. I guess that goes without saying.
He's a big guy. He's 6"2 and over 250 lbs. He's funny. He's really big but he's a big softie and I love it. He's super easy-going but I know that I can't walk over him. I dig that.
Anyways...we'll see where this goes. This could be really big or this could blow up in my face.

I want him.

And if  I feel as though he will be my husband, why am I still flirting, sexing and going on dates wit other dudes? Am I playing myself? *kanye shrug*

Either way, I feel like this:

Instant Love

I'm not sure how to begin this post or how to really verbalize what's going on in my life....not because of anything bad but rather because there is so much to say.

A week ago, a Twitter friend tweeted a poll on if he should keep his beard or cut it off. I DM'ed him asking him if that wasn't a question for his honey. He then informed me that he was single. From there, phone numbers were exchanged and texts and phone calls.

I like this man. Even though there are certain points of interest that make me cautious.

1. He graduated high school in 1988. I was born in 1986.

2. He lives in Atlanta.

3. He has the same first name as The Nigerian.

But, ever the analytical person...I've been comparing him to Trini and DK and he's awesome in comparison. Anyway...I'm not going to jump off the deep end with this one. He's coming to NYC in June. If he comes, I've invited myself to see "A Streetcar Named Desire" with him and we'll see where it goes.

 

His moniker.....I'm not that original, so ATL because that's where he's from. Lol

 

Anyways...I was talking on Twitter again with this dope dude and he was saying how women don't understand when a dude they're talking to has a hectic schedule but yet is still trying to make time for them.

I said...women are expected to make concessions and understand when men aren't held to the same standard.

 

He countered with, "Many 20somethings are out there expecting instant love."

 

He floored me with that one. What if that is my problem?

Am I expecting to fall in love in 5 minutes? This generation wants everything right away...

But then I thought about it and I don't want instant love...I just want love without the games.

I have no clue when I became so serious. Sometimes, it scares me how seriously I take things but we only get one chance at life....shouldn't it be?

Eschatology

I feel like I'm growing up.
Slowly but surely, I'm becoming more a functioning adult.

What does that mean?

I'm acknowledging what I want:
-DK went out of town from Wednesday til Sunday. Tuesday night, I text him after all day of not hearing frm him.

Me: Do you ever think about me?
DK: Of course :*
Me: I'd like to hear from you more.

He then, proceeded to not contact me until today. I called him about 3 times during thatg period (5 days) and none of my calls were returned.
I thought about what I want and what I need.

I need attention.
Trini might have sucked in bed but man...if I EVER needed to talk...he was there. He was always on point with the good morning texts or the cutesy little pictures or the random messages in the middle of the day to say he was thinking about me. I'm no hypocrite. I suck at communication. I'm trying to get better but if I love you,. If I like you. You will FEEL that shit.

I am freaking BUSY but I called him. It might have been late in the evening, but so what...I asked him if he was in the conference for 5 days straight and thus, unable to call me back or contact me at all and he gave me some lame ass excuse about being caught up in reports and meetings and yadda yadda.

Bull. Shit.

Well, I think its partial bullshit.
I do think he was caught up. I do think he doesn't value communication. I do think he has shown me this before.

I don't think I can handle it.

I don't know how much more clearer I can make myself with him but we're going to have a face to face conversation about what I need. I'm not going to tell you my whole freakin life via text. If you want to build something with me...call me. Take me out, let's talk. If he or any other man interested in me can't do that...kick rocks bud.

I'm taking care of my finances:
I don't know how I was ever anyone's accountant!
I don't open my mail. I pay whatever I think my bill is...whenever I feel like paying my bills.
I stopped checking my credit score when I realized how depressing that shit is.
Whilst cleaning two days ago, I decided to open my mail.
I then realized, I forgot to pay my gas bill (since I don't use my stove - another story entirely) and I haven't paid the bill in months and they were about to shut my ish off. My student loan has defaulted and they want to garnish my wages. When I had my business, the federal government thought I hired people and so I owe taxes on wages I never paid anyone. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. The list really goes on and on. I owe back taxes from when I was on unemployment and the government didn't take out state taxes (common) and they have a tax lien on my credit report.

I'm not gonna lie.
I had a freaking PANIC ATTACK!

Then I calmed down. I wrote everything I owe down. It hurt. I'm working on a plan to pay everything off as much as I can while living comfortably.

In the past, I'd swear off eating to pay my bills and be on track for a week or two then realize, I like to eat. Then, I'd screw my bills and go shopping and be in more debt and tank my credit even further.

NO MORE. I need to be more responsible.

I'm securing a better future
By trying to figure out what that future is and working towards it.
I do want to be a business owner. I also have a dream of being an English teacher.
Owning a business that failed the first time, I would want to get a degree in that. Being an English teacher, I need a degree in English and certification.

What to do? What to do?

If  I stay on track with my bills, I can enroll in school in November with no problem. I need to figure out the best path and what options I'm going to take and also, where I will be living....(a whole 'nother 'nother story)

In short, I'm trying to get my act together.
It's not easy but I'm happy with my progress. We all have to start somewhere.