another one bites the dust...

i tried to make it  work with claude.

I did.

I have to break things off.

he does nothing for me except buy me meals.  

no sexual satisfaction.
no physical satisfaction
not even the satisfaction of having someone call me on the phone or call me beautiful or anything.

I have a text buddy who takes me out on dates when I insist and lasts 3 minutes in bed.

so, why am I trying to hold on to something that is dead?


i'm so frustrated with life right now. I just don't even know what to do.

i'm not ok.

i've been having some intense insomnia lately.
 more intense than usual, i suppose. like...for the past week, if i don't take tylenol pm or advil pm, i'm going to be up until 6am. easily.

 on the days i dont take the other medicines, i tried to take melatonin. that shit did not work at all. i even took 15mg, more than 5mg dose. at least i was up til 4.

 i was thinking about what could be wrong.
 i think it is anxiety.
 every week, i get my check. i pay bills.
 i am poor.
some weeks it's like groceries or the light bill.

 i feel stuck professionally.
 because i feel like i work super hard but i can't even afford to go to fucking miami for my birthday!
! i can't afford shit.
 and my job is bullshit. not what i do, just the people i work with/for. fuck!

 the thing with claude and i just isnt working for me.
 it is the erectile dysfunction/premature ejaculation but more....
kissing him is gross sometimes. he always wants to lick my tongue with his slimy tongue and it is repulsive.

 he doesn't ask me out.
if i don't say 'hey am i going to see you this week?' we don't see each other
 he never calls me. only texts.
 i haven't seen him since dec. 22nd. his big date...oh, come over and i'll order chinese food.

 on the other hand, he said he might buy me an iphone or a puppy.
 i've been DYING for a puppy.
 but is that enough to stay in this relationship? is it even a relationship?

yes, i've told him..hey, why don't you call me? i always call you.
 yes, i've asked...why don't you ask me out? i always initiate dates.
- i feel like asking, why can't you get it up and keep it up for longer than 3 minutes but that seems mean-
 the answer to the first 2 questions is the same..."well you work crazy hours, so i just take your lead as to when you're available." -__-

 i really dont know what to do.
 part of me is like...this is a rough spot, you'll get through it.
 the other part of me is like...run, bitch, run for your life.
 i need to see: a therapist a dentist a dermatologist in that order

. i just feel like shit and everyday, i have to smile for these fucktards and pretend everything is ok.
 i'm not ok.

i feel like my job is making me hate my own people.
 i feel like i don't really have anyone i can talk to about what is going on. no one has time to really listen and i've gotten so good at painting on a face and lying to everyone that if given the opportunity, it'll take some booze and a few hours for me to tell the truth.

 oh, and i've gained 5lbs of the 20 i lost back and i feel like i'm going to gain all of the weight back because when you don't sleep, you feel really weak.  its not really wise to go to the gym and risk injury.
especially, after working all day.
 and i've been doing some heavy duty emotional eating. i want to be held.comforted.
 something.
 i'm so tired of being strong. ugh. i don't know what's the next chapter in my story.

and its like...nobody really knows the extent of everything i'm going through
and i don't know if its my pride or what but i can't even get the words to really SAY how it is i'm feeling

and so i stay up all night, tossing and turning trying to sleep
but the thoughts just won't stop
until its 6am and im too exhausted to even think.

i'm definitely not ok.

feeling feelings

i've been thinking a lot. being snowed in alone can do that to a person. carlos gives me flutters and makes me want to fall in love with him. i think about breaking up with claude every week. why? i feel like something isnt right and i'm not one to ignore those feelings. what if i'm wrong? my birthday is in exactly 1 month. shit.