Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Happy Birthday to Me

I wonder what the number 11 means.

I got in on 3 scratch offs that I didnt win on.
I gave it to a dollar cab which costs $2 and I gave him a $10 bill and $1, in which he didn't correct me.

I spent my entire birthday in tears. Save for the 2 hours I spent with mom and 3 hours I spent with Best I Ever Had.

To get everyone up to speed. Claude broke up with me via text a week ago
After I went all out for his birthday
And bought him a Christmas gift.

In which I received a limp dick as thank you.
And promise of "something big" as a gift.

He couldn't even pick up the phone.
Or take me out to dinner.

He said. "I've been shitty to you. I know it sounds pathetic but can we be friends?"

I didn't respond.

No one did anything special for me.
Well, my sister sent me $100 gift card for Amazon. That was nice.

But....I don't exactly feel loved.
I don't feel like I'm remotely in a place I want to be.
I'm technically jobless (more on that later).
I have no man.
No kids.
My apartment still sucks enough where I don't invite people over.

Even last year, when I was in Paris, the stranger I was staying with bought me champagne and cheese and caviar.

This year, I had IHOP and that's it. Basically.
Oh and great sex which basically after, I still wanted to go to his bathroom and cry.

2 of my friends didn't even call or message me. That's awesome.

I kept fantasizing about walking in front of a bus.
I keep fantasizing about walking in front of a train for the past 2 weeks.
I don't know what keeps me fighting.

Deep down, I still have hope some
where inside of me.
Things will get  better. It won't always be like this, I keep telling myself.

I don't know how much of this I believe.


Monique said...

Nina nina nina! What is going on with you girl?

Miss♥K said...


and I dont like all this bad talk about walking in front of buses youre supposed to get on them girl not try to shake their bumper and say hello- but I feel you- ive been there- you already know that from some of my prev posts. what helped me? well time + therapy + anti depressant pills + i moved from kansas to Dallas + i dumped my boyfriend -

hang in there love- things will get better I promise ((hugs))

Miss♥K said...

oh and happy belated- sorry your bday didnt go better-

do we get a detailed post on the great sex? you know me and my dirty mind- my blog is made of dirt *_*