Wednesday, January 7, 2015

up late

I should really go to therapy but blogger is free so here i am.

happy new year!

i've taken a vow to change my entire life this year and boy, is it difficult.
in that it's fucking scary.
and the anxiety keeps me up at night
and the running of scenarios of what ifs is almost frickin paralyzing
but they say...

doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.

i'm sick of people who take their jobs too seriously.
it blows mine.
i'm a makeup artist.
i'm not a doctor or a lawyer or a firefighter.

i talk about eyebrows and mascara all day long. ......
there's this chick at work. i want to slap her clean across the face.
leave all 5 fingers in a red mark right across her left cheek.
she's a manager.
laziest bitch i know.
and she acts all important.
y'know what irks me....don't pretend to have my back. when you clearly don't.
don't pretend to know me or to be cool with me and then when you get the chance you want to pull rank.
i'm at the point where i'm like...bitch, don't even speak to me.
yeah, good morning to you to mo-fuckah.

and that's a bad place to be at.
because i have a terrible temper.
the type of temper that would slap you in front of all of macys and be escorted out by security doing the diddy bop and a smile and not care.
but, you know i'm a damn adult and you can't put your hands on another person without real consequences.

and y'know,
white women....
she'd probably sue me for trauma  and say i gave her whiplash and shit.

but in 3 months! 3 months!
i'm planning on moving to seattle.
yes...from nyc to seattle.
across the country.

i figured.
miami is humid as hell.
i'm too fat for all that humidity.

no, is a great city but seattle is more me.
more culture
more of a REAL city

so, i'm planning on moving within the first 2 weeks of april.
and i'm doing it with no support.
and that's a major issue in my life, i'm finding.
i cried in front of a customer today.
it was a mother daughter and the daughter moved to nyc from san francisco and the mom was like....i couldn't let my daughter move without me being here to help her.
i just kind of lost it because i don't think my mom has even considered helping me move in any way, shape or form.
she spends every chance she gets trying to convince me that i will not be happy anywhere else but nyc and what if you don't find a job and what about your stuff?

and it kills me.
that every single thing i set out to do....i gotta do it on my own dime.
on my own back.
on my own strength

i understand why people believe in God.
i kind of miss it.

don't get me wrong.
i believe there is a higher power.
i haven't given it a name.

but i miss christianity.
i just don't know if i could get back to the place where i actively believe anymore
and that makes me sad.
because that place i held for Jesus in my heart was pure and untainted once upon a time
but that's another story.

life breaks your heart sometimes
and you have mend it back together.

so, i'm job hunting
and apartment hunting
and excited that for what i'd pay for a room in brooklyn,
i could get a whole apartment WITH a washer/dryer unit inside AND a fitness center AND a doorman and all this other stuff....WHAT WHAT?????

send all your strength my way
because i'm internalizing the stress and my eczema is flaring up
last time, it took me 2 years to get rid of it.
i don't have that kind of time.

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