Its the Period Talking

I wrote a long post explaining the events of tonight and then I scrapped it. Because like Mos Def says, "I don't want take no time to write this down. I want to tell you how I feel right now."

I think I just had an adult temper tantrum. on the inside of course.
I had a brilliant night out with Wynsters full of good convo, culture, wine and stinky cheese. After the event, I was supposed to go to the movies with BFF and Editor. That didn't happen because BFF canceled last minute. She knew from earlier that the movie we were going to see was going to start at 9:30, yet, she calls to tell me she's afraid she may fall asleep in the theatre because she's tired. During a 9:30 movie. Everyone's like...cut her some slack because she's pregnant. (Sidenote: I left my wallet at home and I know Editor is kind of tight right now so I didn't feel comfortable asking for her to pay for me.)

Anyways, with BFF this always happens. Even before the pregnancy. When I got home and started walking the dog, I realized that I am always accomodating of people. It is a knee-jerk reaction. If we're taking a stroll down the street, you want to go left. I want to go right. I say, let's go left because it doesn't bother me.

Then, I realized some other things:

1. I haven't really spoken to certain friends this week unless it was business-related. The reason being is that people dump all their shit on me. I'm genuinely concerned and it becomes heavy for me. I really didn't want to be the suppository for people's problems and so...I didn't speak to J, SLA, Editor or BFF. I just couldn't deal. SLA hit me up like..."OMG! Nina, what did I do to you? How come you're not speaking to me?" I told her I needed time to myself and deal with some things...I also said, "Why can't I turn off my phone for a while and just be? Sometimes, I want to throw my phone out the window." She didn't start the conversation like..."how are you? you've been quiet..." It was automatically...me me me me me me me. She was like...oh, I'm sorry I took it personally. You should deal with whatever you're going through. I told her I was. What she meant was, you should talk to me about whatever you're going through. Its not that I don't trust her...its that she brings things up again...I told her the whole Nigerian situation as I was going through it and she brings it up randomly...asking about it. I don't like that.

Keeping that in mind...

2. I'm still salty about my birthday. I turned 25. A "supposed" milestone and certain people really really didn't even try. I got no cards, no gifts...I didn't do what I wanted to do...it was just a bad day. I told everyone I wanted to go out after dinner. After dinner, BFF says..sorry, that's not going to happen and goes to sleep on my mom's couch. I'm trying to get over it..I just don't know how. It ges back to me ALWAYS accomodating people. I always put other people before me. I don't feel like anyone ever puts me before themselves. Never. Not even on my birthday.

With BFF, I felt kind of bad that I hadn't spoken to her all week. Other friends that know her situation asked me about her and I said..I guess she's fine. They're like..You guess? In my mind, I'm like...wtf? I'm not her keeper.

So, you don't speak to your best friend for a week. You spend 30 minutes talking about yourself and then you have to go. You don't ask how I'm doing. You don't ask how my dog's doing. You just ramble on and on about your situation.

And that's the bullshit!
Gi had her baby on Monday. All of a sudden, she wants me around.
SLA makes my absence about her.

Is that friendship?

Tomorrow, I have dance and book club with SLA. I'm dreading it because I know she's going to be up in my face about not talking to her all week and I really want to say what's on my mind to say but it won't be nice. No matter what, I always end up taking care of everybody else but myself.

Back to the analogy..I don't mind going left but when I say..no, let's go right. I always have to go right alone.

I love going out to dance. I get to wear my heels, put on something sexy and forget that a world beyond the dance floor exists. The past 2 years, I've gone out with Wynsters dancing many times. Outside of her, Editor twice and BFF not once. NOT ONE TIME. Every time, at the last minute, its some bullshit. If you are my friend and you know that I love doing something, why won't you attempt to accompany me in doing it? I've gone out alone so many times. It used to be okay and then I just realized I kept having this anxious feeling. Girls are out with their cliques.Dudes are with their boys. A girl out alone seems like she's out to hook up (which I'm definitely not) and then...I feel out of place. I end up dancing alone or feeling desperate to infiltrate some girl crew...its too much.

I'm blaming it on my period because I'm super emtional right now. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion. I just don't know. What say you?

Whoosh

Half the time, I walk around feeling as though I am about to burst with all the things I hold on the inside.

What would happen if I told everyone exactly what I was thinking and how I am feeling? I'm told I'm blunt so it would come out very...sharp.

That would be interesting.
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Yikes!

Rocky is still not house-broken. Its such a nuisance. I'm doing the best I can. I can't take him anywhere with me indoors. I took him to Twin's house...he peed while I wasn't looking. Same thing at my mom's. I watch him like a hawk but then I take my eyes off of him for 2 seconds and blam! Its so disgusting. Then (!!) today, he kept rubbing his but against my carpet. I look and there is feces stuck on the hair back there. I had to wash his butt. Like scrub and scrub. The smell! That is love and patience because right after he peed on the floor while looking at me. Smh. This dog is driving me nutso.

I was pissed yesterday because I realized that I finally had a surplus in my account. I was going to get some jeans, go see a movie...do some fun stuff but then, I paid my phone bill twice (accidentally.) That pretty much ate up my surplus. I was broke. I told BFF and she kind of just made a weird noise like "eh" and changed the topic. To what? To her. I'm sick of baby talk! I'm sick of no-good Punjabi talk! Its like talking to a hamster stuck on the wheel while watching him run in circles. You're wasting your breath because the hamster is never going to get off the wheel but he loves complaining about it because it makes him feel less embarrassed that he started running on the wheel anyway.

I wasn't even asking her for money. If I were, it shouldn't be a problem because every time I've borrowed (which I can count on 1 hand in our 11 year friendship), I've given it all back and sometimes, then some...exactly when I said I would, which has not been more than 1-2 weeks.

Sometimes, I just need to TALK! That's why I blog, I guess.

SLA hit me up today. I didn't speak to her. I've never met another woman that needed that much validation in my life! Every single move she makes...she needs to check with someone that its ok. Her poor husband! Its so exhausting! She makes everything so complicated. I tell her sometimes...just do it! Just do whatever you want to do. Its always a song and dance. Case and point..she hit me up. Nina, I want to wear purple tights with an all black dress tomorrow. Me: sounds cute. Go for it. SLA: But...idk. Me: What?? SLA: I just don't know... *sigh*

I guess its kinda official. Gi and I are really not friends. I sent her a picture of Rocky and told her he was my new pup. She just sent me a text saying "cute dog." That was it. ::kanyeshrug:: I realize that you can't invest in everyone as your friend. Time. Energy. At the end of the day, sometimes, its just not worth it.

I am so drained. I am so tired.

Some things with me have GOT to change! I can't live like this anymore.

I dreamt last night that I was riding some type of animal across an open field. We were going fast. I think it was a cougar or cheetah. The sky was so blue. The trees were so green. I kept taking deep breaths. It was exhilarating. Then, we crossed a large body of water. It could've been a swamp but it was clean, not murky and I didn't feel the danger of snakes and other reptiles around. Maybe a river with lots of trees and high grass around. Then, I remember seeing a male and female lions on the shore and started hiding from them. I woke up. The main feeling I felt was freedom, excitement and being care-free. I wish I could bottle those feelings up and sip them every once in a while.

:)
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Puppy Love + VDay was a Drag

That's my pup pup Rocky.
We're bonding more...I think I've spoiled him a bit and I need to break him out of it. I've given him too much attention - out of boredom, the newness of having a dog and just plain being home all day. Today, he barked at me because I was looking for jobs on the computer and wasn't paying attention to him. I waited til he was done and then threw him his toy...so, he knows...barking gets you nowhere. After much prayer and many frantic internet searches/frustrated BBM's to Trish, he's finally walking on the leash. It takes him 10 mins to get used to walking and then he's good. He's still deathly afraid of people and vehicles...he just stands there paralyzed. Hopefully, that'll change soon.

I've spent by default too much time with him...since I only go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays (both for 2 hrs at the most)... I'm not gone from him for more than 4 hrs a day...2-3 days a week. That's nuts! He really is going to have separation anxiety when I get a job. *sigh*

Valentine's Day...I decided when I woke up, I didn't want to spend it alone but that I was also too proud to call some random guy for a date. So, I asked BFF to go out. She said yes. The entire day goes by and she hasn't responded to any of my calls. She calls me at 8, saying her phone died and she still wanted to go out. So, we decide to go to Maracas. On the drive over, she gets a call from a college friend asking about her pregnancy and Punjabi. Out of nowhere, BFF goes OFF because Punjabi rushed off to "take of something," on Valentine's Day. She assumed that something was his live-in girlfriend. Also, she's pissed because he has yet to break up with said gf or tell anyone about her/the baby and she's dying to tell her parents. This situation gives me a headache.

Anyways, we get to Maracas and the food was DELICIOUS. I had baked chicken stuffed with cheese, rice and peppers. It was a 3-course meal for $35 (including tip.). The entertainment for the night was several pop songs performed by drag queens. There was Santura,the white girl singing Madonna, Morgan, the black girl who sang something from Dreamgirls and a spanish girl (forgot her name) who sang Only Girl in the World...it was quite awesome with lots of laughs along the way. BFF and I ate until we were full. I had a $3 margarita and we both got some stuff off our chests. Hers - the baby situation. Mine - how disheartening this job market is! How I apply and apply and I'm only getting scams responding. That's another post in itself!
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Updates

(This is a looong one)

My birthday was on Friday (Feb 4th) and it was kind of mediocre this year. Plans changed REPEATEDLY. People acted out. Like...I bust my ass to make my friends' birthdays run smoothly. If it inconveniences me..so be it. I grit and bear it because who cares what anyone else thinks on your birthdat? Soooo...whyyyyy are you complaining to me about how inconvenient it is for you to come to my house for a free dinner? Why are you complaining to me that my birthday is inconvenient to you because your hair is not done? I was not a happy camper. I tried to make the most of it and put on a happy face. In the end, I saw age 25. I got lots of cyber and BBM love so...what more can I ask for?

I bought myself a puppy. His name is Rocky. I got him from www.puppies234.com. He is a full breed shih tzu. He was on sale for $120. $120! He was delivered from Ohio to NYC for $105. I had to buy his vitamins for $12. Food, crate, training pads, toys, etc. It all came up to about $320. That's like highway robbery for a full breed dog! I know people who've paid $500 just for the dog alone. There's nothing wrong with him. He's just a little older - knocking on 3 months today. The old geezer. Lol. I do NOT see how people get dogs any younger! It is WORK and I have no clue what I'm doing. People on the internet give conflicting advice.

Thank God for Trish! :)
She's been answering all my questions! Thank you!

Potty training is driving me to drink...no literally! I had some Ciroc Red Berry and cranberry juice today because after he eats, I know that within 5-10 mins, he has to go. So, I put him on the wee wee pad. He walks off. I put him back. He sits down and looks at me. After a while, I let him walk off. 5 minutes later, I find some random puddle! :-O Its like he purposefully does not want to poo or pee on the wee wee pad. He holds it until he can go somewhere more free. Today, he crapped on my carpet while looking at me! I've been good about catching him in the act and dragging him to the pad but he's so small, half the time, I catch him when he's done. Half of the internet says, put his nose in it and say "No pee pee." and then take him to the pad and say "yes pee pee"...the other half says that doesn't work. I've been putting his face next to it and saying that and after he eats, put him on the pad. Its not working. Its so frustrating! I think he senses the tension. After he has an accident, he lays down for a while before he starts playing again and then ultimately, he pees or poops somewhere other than the pad again. This lil 3 pound dog has been the bane of my existence for the past few days...aggghhhh!!! Lol. I wanted a dog for 6 years. You get what you ask for sometimes....

Anywhosies.....
Other than that...I'm fighting my old friend, depression. I think it was brought on by my birthday and how I didn't really feel special from the people who matter. Just mixed feelings overall. An overwhelming feeling of hopelessness at me not finishing school, not having a job, not having a boyfriend, not having anything really to show for myself. How sad is it that I used my savings - the little bit of money I saved to buy a dog. Other birthday prep was a new wig (lol), a mani-pedi, makeup wipes and an eye pencil. Pennies, right? I was still broke. So broke, I had to overdraft my account to make sure my phone stays on. Then, my sister skypes me on Monday...and she reiterates everything I just said...no education, no blah blah blah. She blames my mom. I just get so tired. I know the only way to push ahead is to actually push. I apply for tons of jobs everyday and only those stupid scams email me back. If one more scammer emails me telling me they want to do a background/credit check, I'm going OFF!

I'm back on the Special K diet. Last time I was on it, I lost like 6 pounds the 1st week. And then bday festivities made me gain it back. I started hittin the bottle (Pepsi) badly. I'm on Special K because it reminds me to eat. If not, I'll just eat 1x a day. It also helps me to make my 1 meal that's not cereal count.

My knee-jerk reaction is to implode. I feel like turning off my text, phone and BBM. I can't do that. Its like...no one can help me but God. So, talking about it to people outside of him is like...pointless except for the fact it sometimes makes me feel better. I just wish that they would listen. Giving me solutions I've already thought of just pisses me off more. Sometimes, you just need people to listen and say its gonna be okay in a way that halfway convinces you.

I'm not a complainer in real life (I swear). Most people who know me know that I'm a steel trap about my problems. I'm trying to change. I'm trying to let other people help me. I'm trying to open up. Its hard and usually, it doesn't yield great results. They would also say that I'm ridiculously positive about every situation all the time. (Don't trust people like that...they're probably a dormant volcano.)

If that wasn't enough, my mind keeps flashing back to The Nigerian. His bday was 6 days before mine. Feelings of failure, of regret, of defeat surround that situation. Wishing he wasn't a douche. Wishing his actions met up with his words BIG TIME. Afroman's little sister requested me on FB. I let the request sit in my box for a minute and then deleted her. I'm still FB friends with his older sis but she and I connected a lot more. I deleted everyone from his family but her. Such a weird request.

I found out JC switched phones and wasn't ignoring me. We v-chatted. I realized how much I do like him. He's creative, funny, smart, real and he's a cutie. Buuuuut, he lives in a diff state and he's said he doesn't do long-distance relationships. He's also said he's not really looking for something serious right now either. So, he's said everything I need to know. My focus should definitely not be on men. I prayed.."God, if he's not the man for me, take away these feelings." Then, I 2nd guessed myself and am not sure if God is gonna answer that prayer. Its so difficult to like someone and know you don't have a chance, not know if they like you back or if it will work. We all have our little fantasies...*sigh*

I told a friend who just got a job after 2 yrs of unemployment that a man will come into his life when he's not looking. I believe the same is true for me. When I have it all together...Mr. Wonderful will waltz
in like he was there all along.

But..OH! The getting it together part! Ay ay ay! Pray for me ya'll!
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