I wrote a long post explaining the events of tonight and then I scrapped it. Because like Mos Def says, "I don't want take no time to write this down. I want to tell you how I feel right now."
I think I just had an adult temper tantrum. on the inside of course.
I had a brilliant night out with Wynsters full of good convo, culture, wine and stinky cheese. After the event, I was supposed to go to the movies with BFF and Editor. That didn't happen because BFF canceled last minute. She knew from earlier that the movie we were going to see was going to start at 9:30, yet, she calls to tell me she's afraid she may fall asleep in the theatre because she's tired. During a 9:30 movie. Everyone's like...cut her some slack because she's pregnant. (Sidenote: I left my wallet at home and I know Editor is kind of tight right now so I didn't feel comfortable asking for her to pay for me.)
Anyways, with BFF this always happens. Even before the pregnancy. When I got home and started walking the dog, I realized that I am always accomodating of people. It is a knee-jerk reaction. If we're taking a stroll down the street, you want to go left. I want to go right. I say, let's go left because it doesn't bother me.
Then, I realized some other things:
1. I haven't really spoken to certain friends this week unless it was business-related. The reason being is that people dump all their shit on me. I'm genuinely concerned and it becomes heavy for me. I really didn't want to be the suppository for people's problems and so...I didn't speak to J, SLA, Editor or BFF. I just couldn't deal. SLA hit me up like..."OMG! Nina, what did I do to you? How come you're not speaking to me?" I told her I needed time to myself and deal with some things...I also said, "Why can't I turn off my phone for a while and just be? Sometimes, I want to throw my phone out the window." She didn't start the conversation like..."how are you? you've been quiet..." It was automatically...me me me me me me me. She was like...oh, I'm sorry I took it personally. You should deal with whatever you're going through. I told her I was. What she meant was, you should talk to me about whatever you're going through. Its not that I don't trust her...its that she brings things up again...I told her the whole Nigerian situation as I was going through it and she brings it up randomly...asking about it. I don't like that.
Keeping that in mind...
2. I'm still salty about my birthday. I turned 25. A "supposed" milestone and certain people really really didn't even try. I got no cards, no gifts...I didn't do what I wanted to do...it was just a bad day. I told everyone I wanted to go out after dinner. After dinner, BFF says..sorry, that's not going to happen and goes to sleep on my mom's couch. I'm trying to get over it..I just don't know how. It ges back to me ALWAYS accomodating people. I always put other people before me. I don't feel like anyone ever puts me before themselves. Never. Not even on my birthday.
With BFF, I felt kind of bad that I hadn't spoken to her all week. Other friends that know her situation asked me about her and I said..I guess she's fine. They're like..You guess? In my mind, I'm like...wtf? I'm not her keeper.
So, you don't speak to your best friend for a week. You spend 30 minutes talking about yourself and then you have to go. You don't ask how I'm doing. You don't ask how my dog's doing. You just ramble on and on about your situation.
And that's the bullshit!
Gi had her baby on Monday. All of a sudden, she wants me around.
SLA makes my absence about her.
Is that friendship?
Tomorrow, I have dance and book club with SLA. I'm dreading it because I know she's going to be up in my face about not talking to her all week and I really want to say what's on my mind to say but it won't be nice. No matter what, I always end up taking care of everybody else but myself.
Back to the analogy..I don't mind going left but when I say..no, let's go right. I always have to go right alone.
I love going out to dance. I get to wear my heels, put on something sexy and forget that a world beyond the dance floor exists. The past 2 years, I've gone out with Wynsters dancing many times. Outside of her, Editor twice and BFF not once. NOT ONE TIME. Every time, at the last minute, its some bullshit. If you are my friend and you know that I love doing something, why won't you attempt to accompany me in doing it? I've gone out alone so many times. It used to be okay and then I just realized I kept having this anxious feeling. Girls are out with their cliques.Dudes are with their boys. A girl out alone seems like she's out to hook up (which I'm definitely not) and then...I feel out of place. I end up dancing alone or feeling desperate to infiltrate some girl crew...its too much.
I'm blaming it on my period because I'm super emtional right now. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion. I just don't know. What say you?