The Exhausted Blogger

A lot has been going on but I haven't had the time or the mental acuity to write about them where it will actually make sense...

Let me take a stab at it, though.

BFF turns 23 today. YAY!

I spent too much money on her and spent the night at her house. I couldnt sleep. I tossed and turned til 5am. Dozed off until her roommate came in her room at 8am. Dozed off until her mom woke me up at 8:40am to tell me I had to forfeit my extra hour of possible sleep to leave with her.

Apparently, her roomie is an asshole. She goes into her room, takes her shit, doesnt return it and leaves strange people in the house all day while no one is home. This is after her brother stole lots of money and jewelry and various other items.

This is my best friend of 10 years.

I was pissed. Not only because she woke me up at 8:40 to be out the house by 9am, but because I want to punch the shit out of her roomie. But, I'm cordial. When people live with you and have unlimited access to your shit, you keep it cute. As soon as she moves out...oh yea, beating that ass. BFF is a lot more passive aggressive than I am.

Barack Obama's speech was amazing last night. I had goosebumps.

I want to curl up in a little ball and sleep....Baby Jesus help me!!!

Oh, and I'm not wearing panties because I thought I had some at BFF's house....but I don't. So, there....
Til later, folks...

Blog Fam, Ya'll Gonna Have to Bail Me Out of Jail!

I swear I am going to assault someone.

I'm seriously contemplating changing careers because something's got to give. I woke up this morning and it took a pep talk to get out of bed. Baby, I am stressed! So, completely stressed and angry at life...at people...at things beyond my control. I know not to these things because they are not me...but I just can't help myself. It's not just my work. I spend at least 50 hours a week there, so it is a significant part of it. It's my finances, love life - Dames, the Kappa Guys, the Blairs of the world, my living situation, my body...my all.

What I will tell my children is the most difficult part of life is figuring out what you want out of it.

I keep going back to that.

I want to be free.
I remember when I was younger. Before the bottom fell out, that was all I wanted to be - light as a feather.

Now...that's all I want to be.

I am so exhausted. In the middle of my workday, I want to burst out into tears.
I have never been so stressed. I'm drowning in work and as much as I ask for help, I keep getting denied. What do I do?

One of the black men that works here told the Jewish owner, it was time for his review. He literally works 7 days a week and wanted his pay to reflect that. The owner said his pay was like that because of the choices he made when he was a teenager.

True but cold.

My pay is like this because of the choices I am making now.

Realistically, I can leave and go to a lower paying position...where?
The economy is shit.
I didn't graduate college.
Where am I going to go where I am not support staff?

I am beyond frustrated.


***********

On a lighter note,

I lost the pageant. BUT, I beat the person I wanted to beat. All is ok. I will see one of my old nemesis(es ?) next month at the next pageant...Let the games begin.

I haven't competed in a while which was probably the cause of my nervousness and self-doubt before. I'm over it and ready for some competition.

I am in control.

I was looking pretty hot to trot, too. Why did I think someone stole my entire outfit? Shoes, Crown, Dress, Sash...the whole kit and caboodle?

A sista was breaking...for days...

Until, I saw a friend last night and he was like, "Oh, I have it. I didnt want someone to take it."

Lawd....I was so grateful...I didn't even side-eye him for not telling me sooner.

Sang It!

"I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears....oh my! But I'm scared of loving you. Am I the only one who thinks its an impossible task? Why do we love love when love seems to hate us? ...Why does it feel like those who give in, end up losing a friend. Just 'cause I love you and I know you love me...it doesn't mean we're meant to be. Fly across the ocean. Sing for the queen. But the most terrifying thing is you and me!"

"Lions and Tigers and Bears" - Jasmine Sullivan

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Tumultuous Tuesdays

I had a house meeting last night. I left my notes for the meeting minutes home.

I left my make-up bag home.

I got a huge project dumped in my lap. I worked on it all day en el desk petite. Where I have to figure out a way to have a phone, a keyboard and a monitor all at the same time.

I leave my iPod on my desk.

Lord, please don't have this be a model for the rest of the week.

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Manic Mondays

Today:

1. I've been downsized to a desk that is half the size I had before.

2. I'm BROKE. Ugh!

3. I have this dude living in my house who doesn't contribute AT ALL. Like, doesn't even replace the toilet tissue, soap, juice. My annoyance level is just through the roof.

Its the end of the summer and I've done nothing. I'm really really over it.

There are those moments in my life when I just want a do-over. I feel as if I've fucked up. Today was one of those days...

"Tomorrow may never come. For you, Umi life is not promised. I aint no perfect man, I'm trying to do the best that I can."

I'm trying to keep positive.

Saturday, I have another pageant and I'm nervous. I haven't competed since June. That time, I lost. I hate losing because I can't accept that someone looked better than me, competed better than me. It just doesn't compute. I can never accept someone was just better.

I've been thinking about my dreams. I want to go to London. I want to move to a different city. I want to be published by 25. I really need to make these things happen.

"Tomorrow may never appear. You better hold these very moments so close to you. For you, Umi, life is not promised..."



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...But I tell People

The new trend amongst the young people is sheer rudeness. Amongst the infuriating trend of listening to songs on their cell phones...I saw a group of girls together..2 out of 4 had iPods in their ears. And!!! They were talking loudly to each other.

Then, I saw 2 dudes together. One had an iPod and the other had the cell phone tunes... I mean really!

If I need to listen to an iPod when we hang...eff it...we don't need to hang.

*shakes head*

Funny thought:

Our company outsources to Yugoslavia. I have to work along side of them. One of the guys asked me how I am. I like him, so I said, '22 but I tell people I'm 26." He laughed but me being in my position, he understood.

I remember a few years ago, a friend got beautiful in huge indecipherable tribal script written across her waist. When I first asked her, she told me what it meant but told me she told people it was her son's name.

So....
Tell me...

What are some truths and the "adjustments" you make when explaining it to other folks.
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No Time for Fake Ones

Hobo: You look like you got some good stuff girl.
Me: *polite smile*
Hobo: You the love 'em and leave 'em type, right?
Me: *walks away*

This exchange happened a few days before I graduated high school. I thought about it as I took off my make-up after work.

I am the love 'em and leave 'em type.

If someone shows me who they are, I try my damn'est (sic) to believe them. At this stage of my life, I'm not into chasing anyone. I'll do my part so you know I'm interested, but I am not calling you off the hook, I'm not texting you to GPS your location. Nada.

Why? I don't have the time.

I'm not playing games. I was never one for them and I am not impressed.

After Blair pulled that stunt (he hit me up for us to "spend time" and I rushed home, showered and he never picked up the phone and didn't call me back the next day to tell me what happened), he had the nerve to call me Tuesday night...TWICE. I wish I could say I ignored the call but I was asleep.

I text(ed) Dame on Tuesday, asking him how often he wants sex. (I was curious).
He said "Very often. I miss you a little. Call me tomorrow."

And so I did. Twice. No answer. I called him tonight. Twice. No answer.

And with that, I'm done. I have done my part. He can't miss me too much. I don't miss him, yet.

And thus, he can call. He can text. He can send carrier pigeons. I'll be here.

In the event, he doesn't...oh well.
What this blog has taught me is, they all come back - eventually.

(Call me smug, its apart of my allure.)


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