Random Shit

Fear
I have a fear of failure that I think cripples me at most times. I don't want to confront someone out of fear they'll beat my ass. I have a fear of having a 1 night stand out of fear, I'll get herpes or syphillis or some nasty shit that no one wants...eek! DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!

Jail
I couldn't imagine being locked up for the rest of my life. I think of all the beautiful (a lil crazy, innocent, guilty) black and latino men in jail and the thought of it scares me. How can you lock someone up with the intention of rehabilitating..if you put an animal (not saying we are animals - except in the clincal sense of the word) in a cage and control every aspect of his life...when he gets out he's like a bull in a china closet so to speak. I just shuddered thinking about my ex who came out of jail ready to fuck anything...ewwwwwwwwwww!

Men!
Why do you stare? Say something, keep your eyes to yourself or better yet..don't say shit at all.. I've been blessed since a very young age with t n a...a little too much..and since then I've been ogled and I really don't appreciate it. Makes me feel all dirty inside...or maybe that's another one of my hang-ups I gotta get over.
Also...do not douse yourself in cologne..makes my nosehairs sting...yes..I said it!

Subsubject: PHIL
What's funny is..the more I look at this boy..the more I like him..I think...He actually got up and starting singing "Candy Rain" and dancing...it was so cute. He was shaking his lil booty and everything..just to break up the monotony of the day..It was so cute, which makes me feel like I'm an idiot for not getting involved..but he's told me EXPLICITLY he just wants the panties...But I want him to squeeze me and kiss me>>>is that so bad? Why deos he smell so good?
this is the shit that gets girls knocked up!!! in the middle of kissing he's taking shit off and ur like o wait..we're having sex..oh well..not saying..just saying...(if he's any good at what he does)

Work
Why do I always feel like everyday is hump day...like each day at work gets harder and harder....hmmmm...
I realize that this is not what I am supposed to be doing and it is not my purpose in life and this is a means to an end. One of the most legit means to an end..but gosh darnit!!! I just want to fucking scream!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I HATE THIS SHIT (in Chris Rock's voice - remember that comedy sketch he had...forgot the name of it...) I HATE THIS SHIT!!!!
I'm so dizzy because I answer the phone everyday with the same phrase a million times a day..yet I forget to say it at least 5/10 times a day...hmmmmmmmmmmm
Why does it seem like my phone is always the one that always ringing..hmmmmmmmmmm
Officially over Phil...so sad so sad..we could've made beautiful music together. Sadly, I think he's over me as well. I like to think of myself as so beautiful that no one could possibly get over me..that I'm some kind of heartbreaker but I don't that would be very accurate at all..hahahaha
The boy can dress though..
On 2nd thought, that look he gave me just now...he does still like me...hahaha
I think the problem is is that he doesn't treat me like I'm precious. Which at the end of the day, I do! I do want to feel special..that's not so bad, right?
Ever fantasize about beating the shit out of your co-worker...The one person at work I fucking hate is my Secret Santa..how fucking ironic...I HATE THIS SHIT!

Tired of complaining ass black folks...
Tired of whining ass white people...
Tired of crazy Asians...lol
Tired of bargaining ass Pacific-Islander people..
Just plain ti'd (lol)

arrggh!! Monday!

Am so excited to start writing today..get all those thoughts out of my head...Feeling very inside my own skin today..feeling very the world is against me or is it the other way around? I don't even know anymore...

Yesterday, my day off was Bee-yoo-tee-full!
Just laid around the house all day. Half-cleaned. Was sitting in silence just lost in my thoughts...wonderful!
It truly felt like a day off. Was all by my funky self and it was great. Got my bills together and listed everything and figured out a budget and everything. Was feeling very grown..Even watched a lil tv. Smiled!

The bill aspect was scary --- feeling as if I have a lot of money I owe with only a few cents in my pockets...so I'm working like hell. I wonder if breaking into the porn industry is hard for big black women..lol...But it is a necessary evil...trying to be grown..trying to be grown!!!!

Went to sleep woke up and now I'm funky again...I think I got enough hours of sleep but its this job I think. I'm not happy at all. I feel like I'm stuck once more in another situation where people watch you to see if you're cracking at the seams...the unhappiness just pours out of people here or is that everywhere?????

This morning..the moms was in my space. She tries to be my friend..not gonna happen. I think its just years and years of taking shit off of her that I feel like I don't have to deal with her. You can pour sugar on shit and call it oatmeal. I never felt like I could trust her with my own feelings..my own mother....hmmmmm...

Back at work..missing the silence. Wondering why more people aren't like me...So vocal! I've never been one to love to hear myself talk. Never been one to want fill space with empty words...Guess it's time to wake up..but damn! That's what irks me about people...always wanting to tell them to shut the FUCK UP!
I was always that way..my house growing up was very silent unless it was us screaming at each other...I get irritated when people talk to me unannounced...my hang-ups aren't everyone's hang-ups o maybe I should get over myself....who knows!!!

So..yea...another 12-hr day here at the job..Might expect another post from me today..gotta get my thoughts together.

nappturality

hey!

so...i read this woman's blog abt being natural and how free and happy she is..was feeling so happy and just wanted a piece of that...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

it actually brought a lil sniffle to my eyes....

i love my naps, but i'm estranged from them right now. i dunno..i chopped it off...and now i'm waiting for it to grow out..hate this phase...

waiting to be reunited with my nappy happy self....muah!

hahahahah fuck u!

oh yea...remember the invite situation...

NO ONE SHOWED UP!

that's what you get when u put bad karma in the air.

BITCH!

it's not that i feel like calling people evil names is fun..its just that i was fucked with and i think its funny that they were compromised in return.
cuz i brings the fun to any occassion..

hahahaha

lemme stop..i'm having a party in feb..don't want to get bad karma biting me in the butt...

wtf?

y do i keep going for the same type of guy? LOSERS!
if u live at home with ya momma and u have nothin in ur pocket but a stick of gum..i fuckin love u.
wtf?
what's wrong with me?
so, i'm sitting at work staring at phil all day salivating at the mouth and i realize he's just a friend...YUP
we've crossed over into that place and i'm so sick of it...

danger signs:
1. he works with me..
2. he lives with his aunt and his uncle
3. he's 25 and has admitted he has trust, commitment, and a whole slew of issues....
4. he's admitted that he only wants the panties and he still hasn't called since the 1st time we spoke

yet and still i look at him with stars in my eyes...

not to mention anthony hamilton..hehehe..that's what i'll call him.

he just got a job..we have so much history me and a.h.
i loved him in high school...stalked him until we graduated when he finally decided that he loved me back. but...then fucked a white girl and dated her for the year after that..GREEEEEEEEEEEAT
then he comes back in my life and says he wants to build something

he hurt me so bad when he pulled that disappearing act shit and i want to take him back but a part of me is like DANGER DANGER!
but the other part is wondering...

but i don't want to be a dumb bitch...that is my fear..to be the dumb bitch in the room is very very depressing.

i hate that phrase..but i love him..but i feel it in my bones...

gotta let him goo goo gooooooo!

(but i love him) hahahahaha

i went off on a.h. because he was another one - no job, living at home...
saying let's move away together....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but i said all of that to say...

don't i deserve better???
don't i deserve a man who loves me in all my voluptuousness...smart-assedness...quit wit..all that i have to offer...

but damn...y am i getting all these losers? is that what i think i secretly deserve???

lemme stop b4 the tears start..

(here i go posting this in the blog world...away away...

A little survey....

I say...
I am not: as tough as I think I am.
I hurt: when people don't appreciate me
.I think: ungodly thoughts about some of my house brothers...hehe
I hate: niggas and flies..I do despise..
I cry: only when no one can see.I
care: deeply for the state of the world.
I feel alone: sometimes even in a room of people.
I listen: to what ur not saying...
I hide: behind a cute smile, a bucket of hair and nice paint
.I drive: these 1986 Chevro-legs.
I sing: songs even if I don’t know the words
I dance: to reduce stress
I write: less and less now that I'm out of college.
I breathe: easy knowing one day it’s got to get easier.
I miss: not having any responsibilities
I say: what I mean...trust!
I feel: defeated at times
I succeed: in not allowing others to continuously affect me.
I fail: to see the full picture sometimes.
I dream: about the future.
I sleep: less than the recommended 8 hrs...
I wonder: about what certain think of me...and how did we start referring to ourselves as numbers instead of people with names..this is # 24689821
I want: to be happy
I worry: about the impact of my decisions in the long-run
I give: too much of myself.
I fight: with myself
I wait: for life to begin.
I stay: inside of myself
I am: my own creation

take your time, young grasshopper

so..i've been thinking a lot..cause that's all we have to do in this customer service industry...
i've realized i may not have a lot of friends...i have sooo many associates. 200 people in my addr book..but i don't call but 3 people when i'm feeling blue or want to go out...and i'm wondering y..
i feel like i'm waiting for my life to begin..waiting waiting waiting...

i really don't know..

This is what I want

to be comfortable....
to be in love..
to be financially stable
to be appreciated
to be in my own apartment (hehe)

are all these things just unattainable..like an intangible God that we were all told to believe in as children?
Just some thoughts that are bubbling over in my brain...

Weekend? What Weekend?

So, its Sunday and back on the grind...hmmmmmmmmmm
Decided not to got Philly at the last min. Philly gets people into trouble and I'm glad I didn't..had a dream I was going to beat the shit out of this dude..which I still want to..

Feeling so violent lately.

Weekend was boring as usual..

Nothing much to report..back at the job I HATE!
Later...

What is my purpose?

Sitting here at work, wondering what is my purpose?
I hate this job...I like the people I work with but the actual job sucks...I just don't like talking to people.
I work in customer service. I feel like I should be doing something better with my time....but I work and I work damn hard for my money. I work hard for these folks and I feel unappreciated.

So, what is a girl to do?

Waiting for the weekend..plans are up in the air.
May go to Philly...may take myself out to the movies...
HMMMMMM...who knows....
Stay tuned...


On another note....
I am seriously crushing on my coworker...lets call him Phil...
Phil is soo soo sexy..I just want to jump him everytime I see him.
His face is ok...his body is everything.

EVIL

I am in an absolutely evil fuckin mood...how the fuck can we be apart of the same organization..u fuckin love me and u overlook me in ur dinner invite. U knew that I would find out u had a dinner....and u chose not to invite me...fucking BRICK!!!!!

---------------------
Ok, that rant was because I'm apart of the same group of "friends" and I found out from one that the other didn't invite me to his soiree...Which I shouldn't be offended about ----but I am because I feel like its fucked up...

BUT THATS OK...FUCK U! I DONT NEED UR INVITE!!