Niggas and Flies

I do despise. The more I hang around niggas, the more I hate flies.

I'm still feeling some type of way about last night. I shouldn't. I know, but some things just get under your skin. I can't help but feel like shit about myself. It was a feeling that was a long time coming. For the 3 days before Thanksgiving, all I ate for dinner was chips n dip with oreos and Pepsi.

I know.

Disgusting.

I was looking forward to spending some time with my mom on Thanksgiving because I just knew that things would be great. I knew that we would shoot the shit and laugh and talk and watch movies together and everything would be great.

I was disappointed.

Again.

I don't know what part of me clings to the fact that I need human contact or that I would be fulfilled by a relationship with a woman who only seeks my friendship when it is convenient for her.

It was all supposed to be better tonight. Afroman was supposed to come over. He was supposed to play Scrabble with me, then kiss me, hug me, caress me, fuck me, make love to me.

We'd been planning this since before he left upstate. He knew since last week. Tonight would be my night. I text him last night. Said I'd be home by 8:30. Gi and I decided to get an after-work drink. 8:30 turned to 9:30.

I text Afroman at 7:30. No response.
I called him at 8:25. Ditto.
I called him at 9:30. Same.

He text me at 10:30, saying he went to a basketball game with his family.

I'm flabbergasted.
There are no other words to describe how I feel.
I'm flabbergasted.

American Gangster + New Boy + Sleeping in Beds

You would think that after the wisdom tooth fiasco, I would be pooped at work. I was not.

Nope!
I breezed through the day. Kinda. I didn't allow myself to stress.
When I stress, I grind my teeth. I bite down suddenly and that's not good. So.....I did my work. I was off in space, I laughed, joked, threatened.

7pm came and I wasn't plotting murders or hiding places for bodies. A
good day in my book. I got in some one on one time with McDreamy. He is the sexy nighttime manager. He laid things out on the line. He doesn't mince words as I told him of my fickle attitude towards moving from one department to the next. He said.....maybe this would be an oppurtunity for you to get something else on your resume so when you do decide to leave you have something stellar.

He's right!No one is claiming loyalties to that place and I'm glad I don't have to pretend.But, the Nina in me couldn't let me let go.I have until Monday to decide. I might decide to go to the left...to the left.....

I spoke to Afroman. Right before the tooth drama,last night, we were doing our nighttime flirting.
I mentioned my apartment was hot, which it is, and I was going to sleep topless...which I intended to.
He said he was going to bed commando.
I had a moment of clarity.

[Let us not forget that he is living with his ex]

I asked if he sleeps by himself in his old bed.
He said....'ummmm....lol....not exactly"

*horns come out. steam out the ears*
I had to stop talking to him.
So, today while I was at work, he called. He said he sleeps on a futon, but mostly, he sleeps in the bed with HER.
so not cool
I didn't ask why. I didn't say anything crazy. I just said ok and moved on to the next topic. Because, ya know, it doesn't require an explanation. At least he didn't insult my intelligence by saying they dont fuck. Afroman has never slept in my bed without us having sex. So, where I stand is clear. He's sleeping with her then he's going to come home for Thanksgiving and is planning on sleeping with me.

I'm so turned off by him right now. The boy in me says "Don't I get to cut him a break for his honesty." The woman in me says, "Eww! He's tainted now...."

I haven't had sex since the beginning of August. What to do?
Jenny ...
E...
Neemie! Help a sista out....Much obliged.

So, that's that..moving right along....

Gi, LP, and I went to the movies to see American Gangster.It was a good movie. Almost worth the $11 Gi paid for for my ticket. THANKS! hehe
It was also a long movie. I got up to sore knees like dang. I'm 5ft and if my legs are hurting, they need to make some type of adjustments.

Denzel was delicious in the movie. He's sexy, smooth, and a gentleman.

From another point of view, it showed how the white man can't stand it when a black man is doing something for himself. Instead of showing Lucas' point of view of how he pulled himself up from the slums of North Carolina, it showed Russel Crowe taking him down.

But, I guess that's the black woman cynicsm in me.

After the movie, I still felt pretty darn good about myself. Me and my purple and green eyeshadow and my high heeled boots trotted on down to the train station, where the train came precisely 2 minutes after I stopped walking. *which is great because while the boots make me feel great on the inside. In all reality, it made my toes hurt.* I sat down and immediately made eye contact with the dude next to me. He was tall (maybe) hehe...was casual cool. Something about him was so easy.We made eye contact. I smiled. He raised his eyebrows. I smiled wider.

I pulled out my phone to (give him a signal) see what time it was.
He said..."How come my number's not in there"
I said..."It could be..." (so badass right?)

He's 30. 2 kids (2 and 12). works at a law firm and a print shop. (but he'll make time for me --- his words)Gi said leave the older ones alone..lol

I left still trotting and with a smile.

This was a gold star day.

(deserving of a long post)

Whip Out the Mascara

There's a pageant coming up. I'm really excited. I haven't participated in a while. The theme of this one is Dreamgirls...which means big hair, long lashes, gowns, razzle dazzle. I love the razzle dazzle. I'm in a new house. A house is the name of which you're representing, kind of like a model that's signed to an agency. That model's representing IMG or Elite or whatever. My last house wasn't a good fit for me and I think this one is good. We'll see.

We're in phase one. Thinking of dress ideas, hair, makeup, and possibly a production.There's a lot that goes into it...which is why sometimes at the last minute, I just say...fuck it.

We'll see........< Afroman and I spoke via aim last night. Thank goodness for sidekicks.
He's a bill collector. I think that's so funny. He's sarcastic as hell, but he never argues or raises his voices, which is a good temperment for that job. I told him if he sees my name to cross it off....walk on by....he said he would definitely be calling. We talked about other mind stimulating things, like Nas gearing up to debate Bill O'reilly, Bill Mahr saying to the Muslim Mos Def that Islam is the root behind terrorism, and me trying to guilt trip him into moving back downstate.
I love Afroman because no matter what we do romantically, we can roll over and have an adult conversation. He's pretty much the only man in my life that doesn't care about lip gloss and hair. Plus, he knew me way before I started competing in pageants, so he expects me to be about more than that.

I'm sleepy as usual and staring at an 8-hr day ahead of me.

Good luck. Godspeed.

Tumbling down...

In the middle of my illness,on Friday, I thought I'd give my fingers a little exercise and text Afroman. Oh, I'm visiting Alfred for the weekend. Great. When are you leaving? 1:45pm. It was 12:30. "Thanks for telling me," I thought...and then I felt guilty. because I felt as though he didn't owe me an explanation. But..we are lovers? We are friends? Aren't there some ties? Later on-ThurSDAY- still in the thick of my sickness....I still hadn't really spoken to Afroman. I kinda left it alone because when him and upstate are involved, its a lot.

He's in Buffalo.

With her.

He has a job.

He's staying a while.


All so fuckin perfect and tragic, and strangely foreseen...hmm....(i was going to linksome old entries about AM but when I reread some of the things I wrote, I just felt sad...so...)

But, wow...we're back here again.

Don't do this to me! [Damn you heart!]

I find my heart fluttering everytime I think of him. He sends me into a
flurry of thoughts and feelings. I wish the last post wasn't true.

The heart wants what it wants. [sigh]

I can feel the heartbreak already.

love

I love Afroman.

Sometimes that love doesn't make sense. At times, it is inconvenient. Sometimes, it hides under the other emotions that I build up to the point where I can almost convince myself its not there. But, mostly...it is just love.

All encompassing love.

And that, ladies and gents, is how I know....

I am fucked.

Because I'm Awesome

I freaked out on Afroman last night via IM

Me: Prepare to come over Monday night
AM: I can't
Me: Ynot?
AM: i have my reasons
Me: Boo
Me: Whatever
Me: I don't like u anymore
AM: wat the hell
Me: What u don't like that answer?
AM: wat i do
Me: Nothing...u never do anything
AM: :-\
Me: Goodnite

Welll...it is what it is.. I wanted him to come over and spoon..but nooooooooo! He has his reasons.

Phooey.

I just don't like not being the girl you can't drop everything for. I need to be someone's priority.

Choices

This evening, Afroman and I were supposed to hang out. I turned down an invitation to hang out with Twin to keep already made plans to be with Afroman. Let's not even mention the porn movies on my account and my looking at the kissing scenes in movies/tv shows a little extra hard. I really need an escape from the neighbors yelling at their kids and my evil stepmother...an escape into some big arms that love me. kinda.

It started to rain, just as I got off of work. I called him and asked him if he could bring some chicken breast on the way over. He couldn't. He's just as broke as I am.. hmmmm....

So, I made the choice to walk 6 blocks in the rain to buy chicken.I spent 6 of the $10 I have until Friday. (forgot to buy catfood)(greeeat) I brought it home. Cooked.

and waited.

He was supposed to be here by 8.

I called at 8:30. It rang twice and went to voicemail.

10pm. I call again. No answer. I leave a stern message. subtly saying "where the heck r you!!!"

He calls back closer to 11pm. I sent you a text at 7pm. I'm not coming over.
I'm reeling in my head.

I cooked unnecessarily (I have bread, eggs, cheese, salad...good enough for me)
Inever learn my lesson it seems.
But, hey! That was my choice.

Say its anything but love!

my favorite phrase just jumped up and popped into my head. "Never love a pretty man because he stores his love on the highest shelf of his heart, where you can never reach it." -- Author Unknown

Maybe this has nothing to do with anything. But after I remembered I knew that quote, I thought of Afroman. It's not that he is sooo pretty and so handsome that women throw themselves at him. They do. Being the lad that he is, he's oblivious. Why did I think of him? We're not wired the same at all. I pour love on him like syrup over pancakes. He doesn't withold his love. It just comes out differently, I suppose.....Oh! I don't know.

I told myself I don't go back to old boyfriends. They are trouble trouble trouble!
I don't want to be with him, except I do. I want a relationship without the excessive phone calls, constant dates, and all the other stuff that goes with. But, I want to know he will be there.

He is there. But, I want him to be there in a different way maybe. I feel foolish saying this.

I find things in him that are different from anyone I've ever met. I find new reasons in him to surrender my heart. But, I'm terrified to go there aagain. We went there before and it ended not bad or good. It ended and I was devastated and felt powerless. I didn't know what I did wrong.

After all this, I still love him.

Love does a judo chop to the mind! Ah-ya!

Like a Moth to a Flame

Afroman is coming over to have mango and whipped cream. And a slice of me probably.

Hopefully.


*wink*

It all falls down.....

I think I may be falling love with Afroman all over again. The cause is unknown. Maybe he is just an all-around good person. Seeing him with the kitten. Hell, just seeing him! The funny part is...I don't want to date him again. Doing that is going backwards in a way. Don't get me wrong. He is kind, loyal, a great listener, good in the sack, eager to please....BUT but...I don't know. This is me we're talking about here. La FuckUp Supreme. So, in good me fashion....I am taking a step back. A baby step. We all know I'll be calling him for a middle of the night spooning session in no time.

But a girl's gotta at least have the illusion she's putting her foot down.


Even if she's only fooling herself with said illusion.

we made a groove last night

It's a wonder that I'm not dead, my vagina hasn't detached itself and run away, and that I'm still awake. Geez.

I bathed in Afroman's lust, love, whatever it is.

All.

Night.

Long.

He came over around 12. We went to sleep around 3. I had to be at work at 7. You do the math.
***funny comment he made, "So, I wonder what your blog will be about tomorrow, hmmmm."***

Exhausted.

(but...it was fun) *wink*

Let them eat cake!

I was reading the fish's blog about notes she received from her high school boyfriend. It made me remember. Remember notes being passed from me to BigTimeHighSchoolLove. The type of love that kept me for 3 years and broke my heart. It was the love that made me bitter and angry for years, looking in the face of men knowing they were just like him. He wrote me notes.

It made me nostalgic.

It made me realize how painfully young I was and how words like love, lust, infatuation, and sex in my wise old age of 21 years --- those words were like French to me back then. I knew their meanings. I could conjugate them to different tenses..even use them in a sentence, but their true interpretation...I could not fathom.

And now, they're becoming more like Spanish. I know their meaning more.

I can speak it more fluently. And...I want it. I want to be romanced.
Open my door. Pull out my chair. Tell me I'm beautiful and special and
dammit...you l-o-v-e me. More importantly, make me feel it.

Spiraling back into Afroman's arms, rather.....having him spiral back into my bed feels good. Feels damn good in the respect that he knows my body. He knows my mind. He knows my craziness and yet he doesn't run away.

Does he make me feel loved? Sometimes.

Its not that "can'tbreathewithoutyouGetallgiddywithyounexttome.myheartwasostwithoutyou" love.

He's pleasing my body right now.
He's *dare I say* convenient. And so am I. *dare I say easy*

I want a man who will ease my load a little bit. Someone who will have my back. Someone who doesn't have me do the heavy-lifting in the relationship.

Like that song...
Been around the world
And I can't find my baby

For now, I guess I'm content with this convenient arrangement we have.
I'm having my cake...I need some ice cream too.

I don't miss u anymore

I don't miss you anymore.
The words came to her like a steady stream of emotion.
She was calm. At peace with what was coming to her, it almost scared
her.
I don't miss youn anymore.
It was as if she had gotten her wings for the 1st time and she was
flying solo. She weas terrified, but gleefully saying...look ma, no
hands.
She was finally ready to cut loose all those things that weighed her
down. She was flying high on those wings of emotional independence.

Lately...I've been working my wings. I've been steadying myself on the
clouds, trying my damndest not to look down or back...keeping my head
forward, I have no choice but to look back at least once, so I can
remember where not to go...where I took that wrong turn last time.

Life is so fucking scary.

Fa sho!

I am missing my family. Those brothers and sisters that have so easily
detached themselves from me.
Do they think of me? Ever?
Do they feel as if a piece of them is missing. I am Madagascar to their
Africa. Don't they know they are everything?

I feel like Stella. Abandoned by my mother because of some defect. Some
flaw that no one can detect. They see this outwardly beautiful being. So
cute. So cudly. But then...I slip away in the middle of the night.

I've never felt so alone. I've never felt so tired. Of everything. But I
don't think I would trade my independence for living back at home
w/stepmom.

Afroman says he didn't mean to make me feel bad by not showing up, or
calling, or I.M'ing me yesterday. He didn't have $$ for the train ride
to my place. It chiseled away at my loneliness for him. It made me
realize he has no place in his life for anyone. It kills me that it
coulsnt work, but how could it? He couldn't afford him. Yet, I feel some
strange allegiance to his mother. Like, I should've tried harder. Like I
threw away her son. But, I didn't. I loved that man so hard.
Interesting, that I should call him a man. He's a boy trying to be a
man. In the same instance that I'm a girl, figuring out how to be a
woman. The memory of us still tugs at my heartstrings. The warm ones
like me laying on his lap, him playing with my hair. And when I think of
these, I wish that we could be that moment - that snapshot of our
relationship. That perfect place where it was comfortable and cozy.

And now, I feel as if coming from that moment...looking into that window
of time, and seeing myself now, I feel as if love has turned me into the
cold. I feel as though I'm reaching that hypothermia and my limbs are
falling off and nothing will be the same again.

Can someone defrost my heart?

so....

I have "great friends." Last night, BestFriend was supposed to come over for some dinner, dessert, and girl talk at 7. She never showed. I called and called. And got a call from her at 9pm. Saying...."Oh! I went to a Block Association meeting and they've had us here and yada yada yada..." I should be out at 10pm. I said, "Oh ok. Call me when you're on your way." 11pm comes and she's still not here. She calls and says that her meeting lasted way too long. It just ended. She doesn't have a way to get over here because her mother/father are sleeping. She doesn't want to take the car without asking them. I am livid. I tell her that she can call me tomorrow. (which is today) and as of 3:15pm, still no call. But, I'm not in the business of making people be my friend and want to spend time with me.

All I wanted to do last night was spoon with Afroman. All I wanted to do was lay in his arms and be warm and safe and loved.
He said he couldn't afford to come over. (he has no job and thus no train fare)
So...with that said...no spooning...:0(

Spooning would've definitely led to forking.

But, it's probably best that he didn't come over because at 2am, my tooth started hurting like nobody's business. I had a similiar incident last week which had me in the Emergency Room...which led to me being in the dentist's office the next day..which led to me getting 2 prescriptions. One for pain, the other an antibiotic. Which lead me to not getting it filled because I didn't have the money. No insurance = Suffering. For real. I asked the "wonderful" stepmother if I'm still covered under her. She nonchalantly says yes. And I'm like WTF!!!!!! You know I'm in pain but you don't fucking say, "oh yea... you can get treated..here's the card." So the insurance covered the ER visit, but not the dental clinic, which charges $48 a visit. ***sigh***

Twin#1 owes me $40. Which I've been entitled to receive since Monday. Being that it is Wednesday and I still haven't received it...I'm trying to act like a chilled out bill collector....all I want is my prescriptions!! I'm in so so so much pain. I can't even tell you!

Right now, I feel so alone. In my beautiful brand new apartment. (that's still not completely furnished...but has an airmattress, a couch, a dsl modem,a shower, and cable)<---so I'm happy. But living like this makes me feel so alone. Inviting people over doesn't help...so I'm not sure what to do.

Til laterz...

Eventful Day

Today, I moved into my palace. :)
Everything went okay except for the distinct feelng that I've lost 5
pounds with the constant up and down.
Locked myself out the aparment. Had to pay a neighborhood kid to climb
through my window.
Drama.Drama.Drama.
Am sleepy yet vigilant enough to stay up for re-runs of the Closer.
Yay! For days off and for freedom.

Not completely free yet but am making great strides.

No word from Afroman. Suits me well doesn't it? That he's upstate with
HER. Am affected but not admitting it. Ugh!

Reminds me of Amy Winehouse "You go back to her and I'll go back to
black." Need something to ease stress other than masturbation.
Hmmmmm.....

Would you mind mind-fucking me?

I want some good conversation. I miss having those with the opposite
sex. I want to meet a man that stimualtes me from head to toe.
A man that can speak with me for hours on end and can make me feel like
its been minutes.
Feeling kind of lonely. And horny. Masturbated all day and am still
thinking about giving myself a nightcap again.
Even debated about calling ole Afroman over...but thought against that
idea.
Getting back to the post topic.
I hardly see the point in talking to anyone anymore. I feel like there's
nothing that comes out of people's mouths.

wtf?

ok...so i'm all weepy and mad and sad and this dude doesn't even wait a full day to announce to the world that we're through. shit! doess that mean that he couldnt wait to get on with his life? i don't know. i don't want to get into another relationship for a while tho. ****sigh****

So....I guess

on the Happy Meter...we're at a no. But I don't want to leave and I'm
not sure howto stay. At this point I don't know why I'm not and I don't
know how to fix it. All I know is that I am sad and I don't know how to
get happy again. I know I have to do it myself. Fluff myself up. Which
may be easier said than done. So....I still don't know which way to go.

Are u Happy?

He asked me if I was happy and I had no answer. Its been an hour and
still have no answer.

Maybe that is the answer.