Thursday, June 21, 2007

I don't miss u anymore

I don't miss you anymore.
The words came to her like a steady stream of emotion.
She was calm. At peace with what was coming to her, it almost scared
I don't miss youn anymore.
It was as if she had gotten her wings for the 1st time and she was
flying solo. She weas terrified, but gleefully saying...look ma, no
She was finally ready to cut loose all those things that weighed her
down. She was flying high on those wings of emotional independence.

Lately...I've been working my wings. I've been steadying myself on the
clouds, trying my damndest not to look down or back...keeping my head
forward, I have no choice but to look back at least once, so I can
remember where not to go...where I took that wrong turn last time.

Life is so fucking scary.

Fa sho!

I am missing my family. Those brothers and sisters that have so easily
detached themselves from me.
Do they think of me? Ever?
Do they feel as if a piece of them is missing. I am Madagascar to their
Africa. Don't they know they are everything?

I feel like Stella. Abandoned by my mother because of some defect. Some
flaw that no one can detect. They see this outwardly beautiful being. So
cute. So cudly. But then...I slip away in the middle of the night.

I've never felt so alone. I've never felt so tired. Of everything. But I
don't think I would trade my independence for living back at home

Afroman says he didn't mean to make me feel bad by not showing up, or
calling, or I.M'ing me yesterday. He didn't have $$ for the train ride
to my place. It chiseled away at my loneliness for him. It made me
realize he has no place in his life for anyone. It kills me that it
coulsnt work, but how could it? He couldn't afford him. Yet, I feel some
strange allegiance to his mother. Like, I should've tried harder. Like I
threw away her son. But, I didn't. I loved that man so hard.
Interesting, that I should call him a man. He's a boy trying to be a
man. In the same instance that I'm a girl, figuring out how to be a
woman. The memory of us still tugs at my heartstrings. The warm ones
like me laying on his lap, him playing with my hair. And when I think of
these, I wish that we could be that moment - that snapshot of our
relationship. That perfect place where it was comfortable and cozy.

And now, I feel as if coming from that moment...looking into that window
of time, and seeing myself now, I feel as if love has turned me into the
cold. I feel as though I'm reaching that hypothermia and my limbs are
falling off and nothing will be the same again.

Can someone defrost my heart?

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