Thursday, June 28, 2007

Do you?

Do you ever get sick of reading someone's blog and all their neuroses
and what makes them tick?
Do you ever just wish to click on their online journal and see that life
for them is a crystal stair?
Do you ever just wish Murphy's Law would stop kicking my ass and I would
find some nice boy and a better job and an air conditioner and life
would be those things of fairy tales?
I do.
I wish I could stop anal-yzing my life and be consumed with happy
thoughts. But the words won't let me. The thoughts whir in my head like
tidal waves of emotions that knock me off my surfboard. The torrents of
words cloud my brain and force my fingers to type things that my tongue
won't dare to speak to anyone. Sometimes, not even to myself and I look
up and life is there -staring me blankly in the face.

Almost is there. Looming and slightly frightening. I
must choose to pull back my arm and swing with all my might or retreat.

Sometimes I do both. The passive agressive that I am.
Sometimes I do nothing. I sit there in the middle of my bedroom floor
and hide from the demons circling like vultures above me. Refusing to
die but not really willing myself to live. Residing in the gray matter.

And in those moments..I wish like hell that you could click here and
read about rainbows and butterflies. About unicorns and fairies.

I wish like hell that I could write about that. And that, life were
easier to stomach sometimes.

It's just a bitter pill.

We all have to either swallow or upchuck.

So, the point of this, is that I'm trying. I'm striving to be better,
but it gets hopeless sometimes. And I get lazy. I get sad. I get
downtroden and sometimes finding a new wind is harder than it looks.

But, I keep on writing for the same reason I keep on reading other
people's blogs...all for that post that is all about the butterfly
kisses. For that post where they have come up. Even for that day.

Thank you for reading.

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