Updates

(This is a looong one)

My birthday was on Friday (Feb 4th) and it was kind of mediocre this year. Plans changed REPEATEDLY. People acted out. Like...I bust my ass to make my friends' birthdays run smoothly. If it inconveniences me..so be it. I grit and bear it because who cares what anyone else thinks on your birthdat? Soooo...whyyyyy are you complaining to me about how inconvenient it is for you to come to my house for a free dinner? Why are you complaining to me that my birthday is inconvenient to you because your hair is not done? I was not a happy camper. I tried to make the most of it and put on a happy face. In the end, I saw age 25. I got lots of cyber and BBM love so...what more can I ask for?

I bought myself a puppy. His name is Rocky. I got him from www.puppies234.com. He is a full breed shih tzu. He was on sale for $120. $120! He was delivered from Ohio to NYC for $105. I had to buy his vitamins for $12. Food, crate, training pads, toys, etc. It all came up to about $320. That's like highway robbery for a full breed dog! I know people who've paid $500 just for the dog alone. There's nothing wrong with him. He's just a little older - knocking on 3 months today. The old geezer. Lol. I do NOT see how people get dogs any younger! It is WORK and I have no clue what I'm doing. People on the internet give conflicting advice.

Thank God for Trish! :)
She's been answering all my questions! Thank you!

Potty training is driving me to drink...no literally! I had some Ciroc Red Berry and cranberry juice today because after he eats, I know that within 5-10 mins, he has to go. So, I put him on the wee wee pad. He walks off. I put him back. He sits down and looks at me. After a while, I let him walk off. 5 minutes later, I find some random puddle! :-O Its like he purposefully does not want to poo or pee on the wee wee pad. He holds it until he can go somewhere more free. Today, he crapped on my carpet while looking at me! I've been good about catching him in the act and dragging him to the pad but he's so small, half the time, I catch him when he's done. Half of the internet says, put his nose in it and say "No pee pee." and then take him to the pad and say "yes pee pee"...the other half says that doesn't work. I've been putting his face next to it and saying that and after he eats, put him on the pad. Its not working. Its so frustrating! I think he senses the tension. After he has an accident, he lays down for a while before he starts playing again and then ultimately, he pees or poops somewhere other than the pad again. This lil 3 pound dog has been the bane of my existence for the past few days...aggghhhh!!! Lol. I wanted a dog for 6 years. You get what you ask for sometimes....

Anywhosies.....
Other than that...I'm fighting my old friend, depression. I think it was brought on by my birthday and how I didn't really feel special from the people who matter. Just mixed feelings overall. An overwhelming feeling of hopelessness at me not finishing school, not having a job, not having a boyfriend, not having anything really to show for myself. How sad is it that I used my savings - the little bit of money I saved to buy a dog. Other birthday prep was a new wig (lol), a mani-pedi, makeup wipes and an eye pencil. Pennies, right? I was still broke. So broke, I had to overdraft my account to make sure my phone stays on. Then, my sister skypes me on Monday...and she reiterates everything I just said...no education, no blah blah blah. She blames my mom. I just get so tired. I know the only way to push ahead is to actually push. I apply for tons of jobs everyday and only those stupid scams email me back. If one more scammer emails me telling me they want to do a background/credit check, I'm going OFF!

I'm back on the Special K diet. Last time I was on it, I lost like 6 pounds the 1st week. And then bday festivities made me gain it back. I started hittin the bottle (Pepsi) badly. I'm on Special K because it reminds me to eat. If not, I'll just eat 1x a day. It also helps me to make my 1 meal that's not cereal count.

My knee-jerk reaction is to implode. I feel like turning off my text, phone and BBM. I can't do that. Its like...no one can help me but God. So, talking about it to people outside of him is like...pointless except for the fact it sometimes makes me feel better. I just wish that they would listen. Giving me solutions I've already thought of just pisses me off more. Sometimes, you just need people to listen and say its gonna be okay in a way that halfway convinces you.

I'm not a complainer in real life (I swear). Most people who know me know that I'm a steel trap about my problems. I'm trying to change. I'm trying to let other people help me. I'm trying to open up. Its hard and usually, it doesn't yield great results. They would also say that I'm ridiculously positive about every situation all the time. (Don't trust people like that...they're probably a dormant volcano.)

If that wasn't enough, my mind keeps flashing back to The Nigerian. His bday was 6 days before mine. Feelings of failure, of regret, of defeat surround that situation. Wishing he wasn't a douche. Wishing his actions met up with his words BIG TIME. Afroman's little sister requested me on FB. I let the request sit in my box for a minute and then deleted her. I'm still FB friends with his older sis but she and I connected a lot more. I deleted everyone from his family but her. Such a weird request.

I found out JC switched phones and wasn't ignoring me. We v-chatted. I realized how much I do like him. He's creative, funny, smart, real and he's a cutie. Buuuuut, he lives in a diff state and he's said he doesn't do long-distance relationships. He's also said he's not really looking for something serious right now either. So, he's said everything I need to know. My focus should definitely not be on men. I prayed.."God, if he's not the man for me, take away these feelings." Then, I 2nd guessed myself and am not sure if God is gonna answer that prayer. Its so difficult to like someone and know you don't have a chance, not know if they like you back or if it will work. We all have our little fantasies...*sigh*

I told a friend who just got a job after 2 yrs of unemployment that a man will come into his life when he's not looking. I believe the same is true for me. When I have it all together...Mr. Wonderful will waltz
in like he was there all along.

But..OH! The getting it together part! Ay ay ay! Pray for me ya'll!
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