Eschatology

I feel like I'm growing up.
Slowly but surely, I'm becoming more a functioning adult.

What does that mean?

I'm acknowledging what I want:
-DK went out of town from Wednesday til Sunday. Tuesday night, I text him after all day of not hearing frm him.

Me: Do you ever think about me?
DK: Of course :*
Me: I'd like to hear from you more.

He then, proceeded to not contact me until today. I called him about 3 times during thatg period (5 days) and none of my calls were returned.
I thought about what I want and what I need.

I need attention.
Trini might have sucked in bed but man...if I EVER needed to talk...he was there. He was always on point with the good morning texts or the cutesy little pictures or the random messages in the middle of the day to say he was thinking about me. I'm no hypocrite. I suck at communication. I'm trying to get better but if I love you,. If I like you. You will FEEL that shit.

I am freaking BUSY but I called him. It might have been late in the evening, but so what...I asked him if he was in the conference for 5 days straight and thus, unable to call me back or contact me at all and he gave me some lame ass excuse about being caught up in reports and meetings and yadda yadda.

Bull. Shit.

Well, I think its partial bullshit.
I do think he was caught up. I do think he doesn't value communication. I do think he has shown me this before.

I don't think I can handle it.

I don't know how much more clearer I can make myself with him but we're going to have a face to face conversation about what I need. I'm not going to tell you my whole freakin life via text. If you want to build something with me...call me. Take me out, let's talk. If he or any other man interested in me can't do that...kick rocks bud.

I'm taking care of my finances:
I don't know how I was ever anyone's accountant!
I don't open my mail. I pay whatever I think my bill is...whenever I feel like paying my bills.
I stopped checking my credit score when I realized how depressing that shit is.
Whilst cleaning two days ago, I decided to open my mail.
I then realized, I forgot to pay my gas bill (since I don't use my stove - another story entirely) and I haven't paid the bill in months and they were about to shut my ish off. My student loan has defaulted and they want to garnish my wages. When I had my business, the federal government thought I hired people and so I owe taxes on wages I never paid anyone. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. The list really goes on and on. I owe back taxes from when I was on unemployment and the government didn't take out state taxes (common) and they have a tax lien on my credit report.

I'm not gonna lie.
I had a freaking PANIC ATTACK!

Then I calmed down. I wrote everything I owe down. It hurt. I'm working on a plan to pay everything off as much as I can while living comfortably.

In the past, I'd swear off eating to pay my bills and be on track for a week or two then realize, I like to eat. Then, I'd screw my bills and go shopping and be in more debt and tank my credit even further.

NO MORE. I need to be more responsible.

I'm securing a better future
By trying to figure out what that future is and working towards it.
I do want to be a business owner. I also have a dream of being an English teacher.
Owning a business that failed the first time, I would want to get a degree in that. Being an English teacher, I need a degree in English and certification.

What to do? What to do?

If  I stay on track with my bills, I can enroll in school in November with no problem. I need to figure out the best path and what options I'm going to take and also, where I will be living....(a whole 'nother 'nother story)

In short, I'm trying to get my act together.
It's not easy but I'm happy with my progress. We all have to start somewhere.