life and death

my grandma died this morning at 3:58 am.
she was the last of my blood relatives on my mother's side.
i am angry and sad and aside from getting all her funeral arrangements together during the day, i spent all night watching movies and sending dirty texts to dk.

i want to run.
i want to have sex.
i want to forget my world exists for a little while.

i can't run. it's dark out.
i can't have sex. i have my period.
i can't forget.

i feel the outpouring of love all around me like a force field or like i am in a bubble and it is surrounding me but not touching me because i still feel very alone.
i'm sitting alone in my room with my laptop and cell phone.

i would love it if dk would just put his arms around me and kiss me on my neck and tell me it's going to be ok.
but he wants me to wear sexy lingerie and fuck him like a whore.

i don't know what i was thinking. i really shouldn't be alone right now.

but no one told me that early enough for me to go to anyone's house to spend the night.
so, i'm alone in the dark wondering what my next move will be.