photogenic

Sometimes, I worry I'm not really pretty in person and that possibly, I'm just photogenic. But then, I meet someone who is like that and at least I'm fucking PASSABLE AS THE SAME FUCKIN PERSON IN THE PICTURE. I decided to give online dating a whirl. I was talking to someone really cool - smart, funny, established, well-traveled. BRUH! He was so cute in his pics but so NOT cute in person. We met at a coffee shop and he ate a red velvet cupcake with his fingers, licking icing off his fingers and everything. He had red crumbs in his teeth. Here's my rule. The grossest thing to watch someone you don't know eat is ice cream. ESPECIALLY, if you're not sexually attracted to them. It gets all over their mouth and its just nasty. Add icing to that too. Long story short, I fucking ran out of that date as soon as I finished my sandwich and smoothie. My heart is so weathered by dating. I'd much rather be alone that go through this process again and again.

lowest hanging fruit

so, Autumn is here. and that means this is the time where every JOB basically...is hiring to gear up for the holiday season.

i have gone from scraping for hours to having 4 job offers.
1. continue to freelance and be guaranteed 30 hours a week until January.
(we all knows what happens in January. I get dropped like a bad habit.)
2. go back to my old old job before MAC. the people are petty and childish but I could make decent money.
3. possibly work for Kiehls. I'm starting the interview process which I'm 2 interviews away from...
4. possibly work for Nars. I have to go through the extensive interview processs

Part of me hates going back but I may end up back at Macys because...I'm guaranteed 40 hour a week and I'm also guaranteed to start within a week or so. I need the structure. I need the benefits. My plan is to save up all I can to move to Miami 6 months after I start working.

I've been struggling and hustling and I hate it.
However, Nars is the golden apple because it has COLOR!! And respects artistry. But, my time in NYC has to come to an end and soon. I hate it here. So...I have to keep telling myself this.

I just hope that with all these doors FINALLY opening for me that I'm not making a mistake. I guess time will tell. dun dun dun!

better!

I've been trying to climb out of my hole of depression lately.
I haven't told anyone how I've been feeling because seriously, I need professional help.
All last week I was in a dark dark place.
Dark enough to where I started planning my suicide and obituary.

Bad.

And so, I decided to seek professional help.
And the mental health system in NYC is so fucked.
I called around to speak to someone. Everywhere you call, you have to make an appointment.
The place closest to me that is free to low cost, I called to make an appointment. Its just one lady. I left her a message. She called me back days later while I was at work. I called her back an hour later. Let's see when she calls me.
I seriously could be dead right now.

If you guys have been reading this blog for a while, you know I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager. They didn't really know what it was back then. Now, it has a name. I've just come to grips with the fact that yeah...maybe I can't handle this shit on my own.

Hopefully, the lady will call me back before I have another destructive episode.

I always know when I'm on the decline when my space starts looking crazy.
My apartment is so disheveled. Papers and clothes everywhere.
No food really because depressives dont eat.
I was talking to a coworker and I told her that I have to force myself to eat because if I don't, I still wont feel hungry but I will get a raging headache and I'd feel light-headed. She was like....why dont you eat? I told her a story like...oh yea, I just don't feel hungry.


Anyways...I made a promise to myself to fight for my life. I have been doing that with all the strength I have in my body. I've been reminding myself of who would miss me when I'm gone. Who will take care of my dog? Who will find me? Shit like that. Sometimes, doing that makes it possible to live just another day. All last week, it was literally ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Even if you're not depressed, trying to date in NYC will make you want to end it all.
>>>joke<<<<

I've been on OkCupid a lot lately. I went on a date with a guy and he was awesome on paper - loves to travel, stable job, car, no kids, super supportive of me. He was my height when I met him in person. Like..seriously, 5"3. and thin, It was so awkward hugging him. I felt like a gorilla.

I'm trying to be positive about my dating life.
I feel like...if I look at the last few people that I've dated...its getting better.
Since dating Aussie who was not as smart and didn't make as much money as me.
I've dated Claude who is smart, educated, has a house and money but had a small penis and no ambition.
Then I had a sexual relationship with Kevon who was all the things Claude was but had a big penis but couldn't kiss. What 40 year old man can't kiss? YUCK!
Then there was Max who had everything K had except a house but whoa..passion.
Then Wiley who has a car, apt, college education, career but is boring as fuck. Like, made me want to sleep talking to him. (no sex)
The dude I talked about who was short.
And now this dude who seems really cool. His name is K. He's a teacher He's funny and smart and actually calls. We'll see what happens.

I'm still planning on going to Miami in March but I feel like at least my prospects are looking better.This song has been speaking to me when it comes to relationships.

Like...the next time I fall in love, it has to make me feel better.. Yes!!!

seasons + fuckboys

I feel as thought I'm embarking on a new season in my life. As though, it is almost there..its so close that  can touch it and all I have to do is be  positive and boom...it will be here.

I'm excited about my new season.

I embrace it.

I'm ready for it.


Meanwhile on Faacebook, I posted
Once you realize you bring dinner and dessert to the table, you will stop inviting people to dine with you who only bring a knife and fork.

I have to remember this lesson with the dude I talked about in my last post. But, as I sat and I analyzed my last relationships...something I said to an ex came to mind. 

"I'm sick of doing all of the heavy lifting." 

But, not sick enough because with Afroman, Aussie, Claude, Panama Guy....and really pretty much every dude since high school, I've been doing the leg work.The spending on dates and doing things they need and even if its not monetary, its giving up the goods too early, getting comfortable too early, cooking for them too early...being in the type of relationship I want to be in too early. 

And really...the result is the same. 
Those fuckboys were not worth my gotdamn time. Each taking a part of me that I can't get back.
I always wanted to have this optimism about love and life. I thought being hard on men meant that my heart was hard and I was bitter but that's not true.

It makes me smart.
I'm a precious jewel. To find a rough diamond, you have to go deep into the Earth and mine for her. How am I any different??

This man is so damn stupid but I'm worse.I'm a fool. 
I was not fulfilled emotionally, mentally or sexually. I didn't feel supported...actively supported in any of my endeavors. None. Not in a way that didn't benefit him. Yet, I was still willing to be there for him in every aspect of his life. Why? Because for some reason, I still liked him. Why? *crickets*

Or maybe its because he represented an idea in my head of who I as supposed to be with.
We make up this idea of a person...of who we think they are...who we want them to be and suddenly this illusion takes on a life of its own and completely replaces the reality of the situation. No more.

I did makeup for a wedding today and the main thought that I took from it was...I want someone to win my heart. I don't want to give someone my heart. I want them to prove to me that they are fricking worth it, they want it and they will do what it takes to show me that I can trust the with it. 

Until then...I'll be single. 

I think I finally get it!

unpatience

I think with most women, when it comes to the guy you like, you have to learn the hard way that he is a cad.
For BFF, that means having 2 kids and still not getting a ring and a whole heap of grief.
For me, its spending over $150 on a dude in 3 days, getting mediocre sex and then radio silence for the week after.

I knew that he has issues revolving around sex and intimacy. It's the classic case of....I'm an artist and I like you but I don't want to be with you until my career blows up and I've been through this a few times.This last time is what it's taken for me to learn my gotdamn lesson!!!

I did what I did out of the kindness of my heart because dude is on hard times.
Thursday night, I offered to buy him a drink because he was having some financial issues and I wanted to see him/cheer him up. Drinks ended up being dinner too. Bill was $70. We ended up making out and it got hot and heavy. I was on my period and couldn't get it the way I wanted to. He mentioned while we were out that his bed was still in storage and he was sleeping on the floor. He's been in his new place for 2 weeks and he wouldn't have the money to get it out for another 2 weeks. I immediately called up BFF and we agreed to rent him a Uhaul. She would drive it and we would get his bed out on Saturday.

Saturday came and the Uhaul place was out of vans. I rang my neighbor's bell and asked her to help (she has vans that she uses to transport kids to school). We went to the storage place. I bought him a lock. The storage place clipped his lock because he was past due on his fees and they wouldn't let him pick up his bed without buying a new lock. Why was a new lock $20? Robbery!

We put his bed in the van which entailed us removing seats and hauling the bed, box spring and frame into the van and into his apartment. I paid my neighbor $40. That night we'd already made plans for him to come over and do the do. He was hungry and broke so, I ordered a pizza. Another $20.

The foreplay was awesome. He's a great kisser and I love how he touches me. However......something was off. He has issues with being too much in his head which ruins the mood. He has performance anxiety which is...sweet. But, its like...damn! If I'm moaning, its good. I'm pretty vocal about what I like and don't like. First round was decent. I wanted more. We played around some more until it was apparent, he didn't have a 2nd round in him. He spent the night. We woke up the next day and tried again. Not even then did he have another go left. I think it was the performance anxiety thing. I was so unsatisfied. The whole encounter left me frustrated to say the least.

Now, the money thing...its not a big deal. Really....I justified it in my head that we're friends. I'd do the same thing for any good friend. The kick in the junk was I realized that I hadn't heard from him all week. I  texted and FB Messaged. Radio silence. I got scared because we'd talked about how we both had dark thoughts before. My rule is to always reach out to someone whenever I get to that place and to check on people I know are prone to depression. I actually called this ninja and left a message that was like..."Please call me. I want to know you're alright." Silence.

And then I went on social media.

There's no wetter blanket than when you're trying to reach someone and they don't respond to you but they're on instagram and facebook and taking pics with people and living their fucking life like they have no fucking worries.

That was a slap in the face for me.

And so, I'm done with the situation.
I have but one rule for dealing with men.
Thou shalt not make a fool of me.
He broke that rule.

So, fuck him.
My work right now is spotty at best. I value my coins because I have some shit I need to do too.
I could work 40 hours this week and 4 hours next week. I helped him because I considered him a friend but maybe he just saw me as something else.
The voice in the back of my head is saying that this whole thing is a big misunderstanding. But, this is how I feel about it right now. So....that's that.

Never a failure. Always a lesson.
Always a lesson.