Garsh!

I have a teensy tiny crush on one of the Praise & Worship Leaders at church.

Why do I like musicians, so?!

He's beautiful. Nice teeth, he dresses nicely. He's really masculine. He's got that sanctified s-curl thing going with his hair...you know how the dudes in church always have that...lol.

Anyways, I had to close my eyes during the service so I could focus on God and not on him singing. Him and his perfect teeth.

All I know about him is his name might be T. And he sings. I want to get to know more but church-romances = heartache ready to happen and spiritual disarray. If it doesn't work out, one of us will have to be at 9am service and the other at 11. But, what if...

Let me stop..he could be married for all I know... :(
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Word! Is this Dating, These Days?

Gi told me about 2 dates she went on this weekend with the same dude. She met him on Bl.ackPl.anet. They went out to eat the first night. He seemed cool. The next night they went out to eat again by accident. They were supposed to do a movie but it was crowded. It was then that he told her that he's about sex and that if a girl makes him wait too long, he gets bored. His ex slept with him the first night and they were together 3 yrs. So, he basically expected Gi to sleep with him after a few phone conversations but that being her 2nd time meeting him in PERSON. He wanted an "impromptu" relationship.

Oh yea, and he promised her she would be the only one he would sleep with (I guess so they could raw dog...) *insert rolling of the eyes*

Are you effing kidding me?!

Gi, being the sassy lady she is...properly informed him that he would be getting no nookie from her and that she would no longer be entertaining his company. Ya know, just to save him from boredom.
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Celibacy Blues

Is more than a Jill Scott song. Ever since I started pondering it, I've been dreaming of all my exes. Last night, I dreamt of this dude Ze. We're basically the same height but he's mad strong and he liked me waaaay more than I liked him. He is a Crip (he joined when he was 11 and now he's 25. He's considered an OG and the last I talked to him, some 3 yrs ago...he said he didn't really rock with dudes like that but he still wears the colors). I dated him in high school after he pursued me with flowers he drew and poems and thangs...lol. The most thugged out dude did the sweetest things for me. How funny is that?

I had to stop messing with him because there were a LOT of Bloods in my school. One dude called me his b!tch one day. Let's just say Ze didn't like that and there was choking up against a wall involved and bloody lips and thangs. And...umm, yea. If you know me, you know I'm a little bunny rabbit. He got suspended for 15 days behind it.

He was so gentle and tender with me. Crazy.

Plus, I remember an incident where this chick grabbed his crotch. Let's just say, I wasn't such a cutesy bunny then. Our relationship was too high profile for me...hahaha.

Anywho, I had a dream, we were in a train straight out of the early 90's. Some dudes tried to punk him and we were in a dangerous situation that led to both of us being shot. I was so scared in the dream. We were running and ducking behind trains. Ever been chased by a maniac who WILL kill. Even one that your mind has created is scary.

I think so fondly of him because he was really the first dude that ever really pursued me. He made me FEEL something around him. He always called me precious and fragile. He always let me know that he wanted me. And he was smart - in the top 10% of our class and was in an extracurricular medical science program. (Yes, I don't mess with the dumb dumbs...lol..Maybe he should've ignored me for 3 yrs like Afroman. Then, I would've been smitten. Smh)

With him, I was always shiny, and that's a feeling a girl just can't ever forget.

P.S. I think these stories are validating me as a Brooklyn chick. People never believe me when I say I'm from BK. Don't let the smile fool ya!
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Weekend Recap

So...Friday night, I felt terrible. I fell asleep almost as soon as I got home only to be awakened by my neighbor. I'd left my keys in my door.

Saturday, I tried to clean up my apartment only to retire to bed after 20 minutes, feeling weak in the body. At about 3, I decided to get my nails done. Let me paint a picture for you: no make-up, circles under my eyes, black sweat pants, orange oversized T-shirt, white hoodie, white knit cap, red leather jacket, Converse-esque sneakers. Yes folks, I was styling and profiling...lol.

Anyways, this old guy was like can I listen to the other earbud(I was listening to music on my phone). I tried ignoring him but then he insisted. I said no. He went on and on about how we have a black president and we need to be better to each other. I was like dude, you're like 50 years old! Why are you even TRYING to mess with me? He kept going on and on and on. I got upset and was like...shut up! Didn't look back to see if he heard me or not. He stopped talking though, lol.

On the next block, this old Indian guy with rotting teeth and silver gray hair stopped and asked me for directions. I told him 3 times! I don't think he understood English very well. Finally, he gets it and then he's like what's your name, sweetie. Ugh! I just walked away.

After I got my nails done, I went to the corner store to pick up some Dayquil and OJ. I decided to play lotto scratch offs. As I ask the guy, he's like, "How old are you?"

"23."

"You got identification?"

"No."

"Does the owner know you?"

"No."

"I can't sell to you."

"How old do I look?"

"14/15"

"Wow."

I told Afroman. He said I should make a documentary about it. I declined. I was pissed off about it, though and then creeped out about it.

Went back home and was in and out of sleep once again. BFF called me at around 7. She had to take her friend to Harlem and then had to go to the Bronx for her uncle's birthday party. I still had on the same outfit from earlier. I told her I would ride with her but would sit in the car since I really shouldn't be around people.

We dropped her friend off in Harlem easily. She phoned her uncle to get the address and directions since we don't know the Bronx like that. We had to take the 135th St bridge to the Bruckner to Pelham Bay (which, if you know NYC, it is FAR from Kansas City aka Brooklyn as we know it). BFF was like Jesus be the 135th St Bridge and like 2 seconds later we were on it. As we were riding, BFF was like, God please help me find the Bruckner. Voila! A sign said it.
Her uncle was not picking up the phone and all we knew was that the party was on Westchester Avenue.

We had jokes like the Bronx is like Brooklyn 1985 - not a place you particularly want to be at 9pm, lost, and female. We found this random pizza parlor open that told us how to get to Westchester Ave. As we were approaching, BFF was like God please help me find this place. We saw this restaurant on the corner and I was like, yo BFF, this is the place. She was like...no, that's too easy. I'm just gonna ride up and down Westchester Ave. I was like...well sure, since your plan is so much better than peeking into the restaurant to see if it is them...*sarcasm*

We spent the next 30 minutes riding up and down Westchester Ave calling random members of her family. No one was picking up their cell phones. This is the over 50 crowd. They don't keep their phones on or next to them. I was like, BFF, I'm sick. Either we go back to that restaurant or we go home.

As I said that, her uncle called her back. It was that restaurant we saw. She was like, I'm so sorry. God directed us this far and he gave me a loud speaker in you and I ignored it. I'm sorry. As we valet parked, she was like...please come in with me. I was like...you're in pearls! I'm in sweats. I look like crap on a stick. No! She gave me puppy dog eyes and I gave in and immediately regretted it. Everyone was looking at me like I was a vagabond. This is the Cosby-type crowd. Her family is a bunch of doctors/lawyers/journalists/dual-degreed black folk and so, I was just like...yo, I'm sick. Feel sorry for me and they did. Lol

As we were in the Bronx, at 11:30pm, I get a text from KappaGuy. What are you doing right now?
NEGRO PLEASE! I didn't even respond.

We were following BFF's parents home. Her dad was switching lanes without signaling, running red lights. BFF was like..yo, let me just trust God to get us home because really..this is ridiculous. Lol. She got home before her parents did.

Yesterday, I went to church. The 11am service. I kept falling asleep. I hate the 11am service because I feel like there are too many people there looking in my face, looking at what I have on..just waiting to report to my mother or just ugh! Too much to deal with. Service was great though. I really believe God wanted me there. I went to brunch with BFF and her parents. I was supposed to go back to church for communion. I told myself I would nap for 20 minutes, I woke up at 5:45. Church started at 5. Went back to sleep. Woke up at 6 this morning. A bunch of missed calls and texts. One of them was Kappa Guy. I'm on your block. I'm on my way home from Fort Greene Park.

Oh well, guess it wasn't meant to be.

Re-Dedication + So Special + Meant to Be?

(Get comfy...this is gonna be a long post)

Thursday night, I was a mix between sad and mad. I was so frustrated because I've been working so hard and not really seeing a return on my work..

So...
I left job#2 about 2 hours early and ordered a Texas-sized drink from BBQ's, ready for light-hearted conversation and a bundle of laughs.

I got God-talk.

I love God but lately, that is all BFF wants to talk about. She's focused. I get it. The world that God made is a lot wider and bigger. I really do believe in everything in moderation. BFF is an extremist. So, I indulge and then change the conversation as much as possible.

Which is what I did.

But then, we started talking about how BFF's friend waited til she was married to have sex. she was with her husband for 5 years before they got married. It was hard but it was best.

I asked about intimacy in regular relationships. She said that God ordained that intimacy to happen in marriage and that that's why break-ups are so hard. Its like going through a divorce. She's so right. Its been 2 years since Afroman and I broke up and it still hurts.

It reminded me of a twitter convo I was having with someone else who was like dudes wanna live with you and expect you to have their backs in every way, borrow money from you when they're low, have sex with them on demand. I was like, that's a wife. She was like, they don't know the difference. Its true. The only difference between a real marriage and what I had with Afroman was a ring, a ceremony, and an official commitment (see post:cheaper to keep her). If marriage is something I ultimately want, why not make 'em wait?

Sounds good? Yea. But I'm just scared that if I make it OFFICIAL, I'm gonna face some bitter temptation and end up breaking it (which BFF did) and suffer for it (which BFF did).

I mean, let's face it...I've made some decisions with my crotch. (See Aussie chapters 1 and 2, Blair, KappaGuy 1st Chapter, Dame,...)

I mentioned that I might be going celibate to Afroman. Ummm. Yes, we talk everyday. He thought it was a good idea but that it might be hard for me (I was sort of a lil aggressive in bed when we were together). I was like, wouldn't you feel special if you married a girl who waited years to have sex because she was waiting specifically for you or is that notion archaic? He said it would be awesome.

You know Nina, you are special.

*insert beating heart*
Thank you.

I mean that.

I know.

What the heck do you say after that?

Thank God for emoticons. I smiled. Lol

Shortly after that KappaGuy cancelled on me. He got caught in the rain.

YW, said something on the lines..if its meant to be...

Afroman said I should go to the museum alone. I did. I almost slipped in the heels I was wearing and so I decided to go home.

Later, KG text me if we could do a midnight movie. Sounded like a set-up for something else. I declined.

It was good that I did. I got home and a cold was setting in. I felt so weak and horrible. Went to bed.
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re-appearance

so...

kappa guy and i made plans for dinner friday night.

i know, don't judge me!

hopefully, we'll just have delicious thai food and good conversation. my apartment is a mess..so he won't even set foot and i plan on paying for myself so there won't be any like..gimme gotcha...

i do look forward to getting pretty and going on a date.

it's been a while and i need the ego stroking.

cheaper to keep her

i was laughing with afroman today...yes! we can laugh and joke and all...

he said. yo, to get rid of you i would have to:

1. change phone numbers
2. get rid of gmail
3. get rid of aim.
4. get rid of yim
5. change twitter urls
6. delete his blog
7. delete facebook
8. delete myspace
9. get a new pin for his blackberry
10. move (!!) - lol
12. and all of his family members will have to do the same.

amazing!

he was like...um yea, there's probably more. i can't remember but i guess i can't get rid of you.

lol