Ups n downs...

I think I'm fucking things up with Afroman...its not purposefully, but
maybe it is. I'm not happy with him because he doesn't have a job. His
constant thing is not having money and I'm a little tired of taking care
of him. I don't think he's on it to find another job. I just don't see
the drive. That really bothers me....like in the future will I have to
take care of him too. That's not something I can live with. That concern
is n my right brain. On the left side, my mother is saying shit like why
haven't I met his family. His oldest sister is having a baby shower in
June and he wants me to meet his family then. She has a problem with
it....and so do I, kind of. I've been pining for him since freshman year
of high school and maybe its like...it wasn't worth it. He's
wonderful....kind, smart, funny, but there r things that I am frustrated
with -- like his sarcasm, the fact that his ex still text messages him
and calls him, I have to tell him certain things. I feek like I'm taking
care of him. I didn't sign up for another child or another BGF...but
that's what I got. All I keep thinking is...I don't trust it. I don't
trust that things will get better, but maybe that's my insecurity. I
don't want to be the big girl that gets lied to and played. I don't like
it. I want to hang in there. I want to fight for a happy loving
relationship. He wants to be my future, but how productive will that
future be? Maybe I've read it all wrong and he's busting his ass....but
I don't see it. Maybe because I don't se it, the flight or fight reflex
is kicking in. I'm so confused. I really don't know what to do.
Can't worry bout what another ni**a think...now that's LIBERATION.....

Jobs

Thought I'd post this to remind myself...life is bad but not that bad....
hahahaha


1. Coffin Maker
What they do: Build customized coffins, ranging from simple pine caskets to bejeweled boxes.

2. Potato Chip Inspector
What they do: Oversee potato chips on an assembly line and check for overcooked or clumped chips to discard.

3. Wax Figure Maker
What they do: Mold wax to create figures, often, but not limited to, the human form. Figures are often made in the likeness of people who have achieved historical or celebrity recognition.

4. Foot Model
What they do: Work as a "parts model," modeling their feet for advertisements that feature footwear, lotions and other related-products.

5. Golf Ball Diver
What they do: Search the depths of golf course bodies of water to find lost golf balls to refinish and resell.

6. Doll Doctor
What they do: Repair, repaint and reassemble doll parts to doctor-up dolls that have missing, broken or damaged parts.

7. Egg Inspector
What they do: Examine eggs for cracks and other irregularities before they are graded and stamped for approval.

8. Knife Thrower's Assistant
What they do: Act as human targets for the knife thrower, which can involve mastering feats such as being tied to a spinning wheel while having knives thrown within inches of their bodies, or having objects cut above their heads.

9. Foley Artist
What they do: Use random items and whatever else they can find to create and record the noises used to make the sounds effects in films, such as heavy footsteps, rolling thunder or creaking doors.

10. Solfeggist
What they do: Listen to recorded music and monitor notes in indistinguishable compositions.

11. Snow Researcher
What they do: Collect and analyze ice crystals in snow to study the effects of pollution on area snowfall.

12. Wig Maker
What they do: Create and fit hair pieces such as wigs, beards, mustaches and eyebrows for clients requesting hair for costume or personal needs.

13. Gross Stunt Producer
What they do: Create new ways to gross out contestants on television shows, using insects, animal products and other things considered that could be considered "gross" by society's standards.

14. Mermaid
What they do: Entertain crowds as an underwater performer.

15. Whiskey Ambassador
What they do: Drink and explain the proper ways to serve and savor various whiskeys.

16. Dog Food Tester
What they do: Taste and analyze dog food samples and write reviews on the results.

17. Bonfire Builder
What they do: Gather discarded wood from trash bins, beaches, construction scrap heaps and similar areas to expertly build bonfires.

18. Dice Inspector
What they do: Inspect dice used in casinos for lopsided angles, misspotting and other blemishes that could cause error when the dice are rolled for gambling purposes.

19. Ethnographer
What they do: Research and study single groups of human behavior through fieldwork, observing and questioning participants.

20. Gum Buster
What they do: Remove gum stuck to sidewalks, street benches and other unwanted areas by de-sticking the gum through a steaming process.

How I Feel....

Frustrated at life.
I don't have it all together.I'm realizing that I'm very Type-A. I need to have things set. I don't. I'm hemmoraghing money. like a boat with holes everywhere...

Sux

hmmmm....

what's new? nothing really...same tired person...grumpy...evil...
but i didn't start out to be this way.

yesterday, was a breeze. i woke up. had my music on my mp3 player...jammed to work. was almost late, but the a train saved me! :-) got to work on time..was happy and nice and free!! picked up a couple of scarves, a few lil things, met Afroman who was on time - exactly on the dot 6:30 for our date (YAY!) watched a great movie that i anticipated watching. left...went to barnes and noble. got the octavia butler book i've been a fiend for and

then....

we sat down..and i had an attitude. i don't know why - i just got funky. i think i really didnt want to prolong the date, but i felt like i needed to. then AM called me out on it..got less funky. bgf sent me a text aplologizing for his wrongdoings...AM laughed called it bullshit...

then...

AM: I could get someone to beat him up for you. I know people.
Me: Now, thats ok..I'm good.
AM: Nah, I know people in the streets...you good...
Me: {laughs} I know people too..the streets love me!
AM: The streets can't love you too much if you're getting robbed in them.
Me: {mouth wide open..}

then....

AM: I'm sorry. I had no right to say that. I realized it as it was coming out my mouth. I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back.
Me: {silence} thinking {you can't take it back..} It's ok
AM: you sure?
Me: Yes.

>>>>minutes later<<<<

Me: Let's go. You're depressing me
AM: Sorry. Don't mean to depress you.
Me: Its ok.

>>>>minutes later<<<< at the bus stop.

AM: I feel like there's hostility between us.
Me: Nope {thinking - there's hostility between us because you made that fool ass comment like 10 minutes ago..but you expect everyone to instantly forgive and forget just because you're sorry. i know you're sorry, but i'm still hurt, so there!} There's my bus *kiss* I love you.
AM: I love you but I hate you sometimes
Me: I hate you too...


**********sigh************