Been Gone for a Minute....

I guess you guys deserve a post.

I've been meaning to write. I have stuff to write about, but I haven't quite felt like putting stuff on "paper."

I got a raise at my job but not in the respect department. My boss still freaks me out because I can't read him and maybe he can't read me either. So, we look at each other like...what?

He is smarter than I thought and he hipped me to some game. This chick is envious of my position and tries to upstage me. She tries to upstage him, too. I don't know. I think she thought that when Aladdin left, she would be queen.

Ummm...slow your row...I feel like slapping her. She's whiny and annoying. I liken her to a chihuaha.

I'm content with my lil $2 raise. I'm going to see if I can go salaried in 3 months. Of course, to a higher raise.

I've convinced myself I want to be single. But....ummmm...yes

My ballroom house is having a ball in October. I'm on the board and am working hard on that. I'm excited, but lately, I've been wanting to be alone.

Best friend is crazy.
Here's the drama:
Her elementary school sweetheart, MJ left and broke her heart when we entered high school. For the past 10 years I've known her, all she could talk about is MJ. How cute he is and how well he wouldve turned out.

Well, they reconnected via myspace.

Long story short, he's totally different from the MJ she thought she knew. He's ghetto. He has a kid. He's just different. He came to NY (he relocated to MD). They ended up having sex and then he said he loved her. It was all poetic and shit as he got on his bus to go home. Then, he never called her. 3 weeks went by and she got a couple of texts. But...nothing. She devised a plan to let her cousin, KD call him and act like she met him. She sent him sexy pictures. MJ talked KD into letting him come to NY to "smash." This was all in the matter of 1 conversation.

I told BFF that it showed what he was about - sex.

She said she was going to get over it. She didn't. (Side note: KD is about to get her ass whopped by me. She was still corresponding to MJ after that)

Last night, BFF decides to text MJ. He actually responds to her. She wanted to "talk.". He was too busy. She text messages to him that she's sprung off the penis (in an essence) and the calls me at midnight feeling like mold that he didn't respond. I wasn't trying to make her feel bad but I couldn't help but say that she was being an idiot and then after how he treated her, how could she even think of sleeping with him again.

She said she's extremely horny.

*shakes head*

I felt bad about telling her what I did but here's how I rationalized it - the problem is bigger than what he did to her. Its bigger than her own hormones. Its about self respect.

So, I'll take her out for a drink tonight to put a bandaid on what I said but...

I would say it again if I could relive the moment again.

I mean, these days...I'm sugar free.
I am giving it to all my friends as of late. I'm telling them the real deal and if they can not handle it...oh well.

What I've noticed is, all of my friends are doing the same.

So...it is what it is....

I have more but, until then...later...

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

For Limited Time Only

** Post Removed**

101 Things About Me

Yes, I guess I'm biting Jirzy who's biting, Chris, who bit Monie, who bit Diva.

1. I detest leggings as pants.

2. I think I haven't succeeded as much because at times I'm gripped with fear.

3. Sometimes, I think I'm racist because I get sick of the systematic oppression of blacks, women, and wish I could slap a white person every now and then.

4. I wish I had a family who cared

5. I sometimes think if I applied myself, I could kill people.

6. But...that's a scary thought.

7. 16 year old boys still trying to holla is equal parts amusing and annoying.

8. I think my actions show I want to be single while my mouth says I want a boyfriend.

9. I like hot Asians who wear fedoras and have tattoos.

10. I never feel like I'm in the right place at the right time.

11. I feel like I'm pissing away my youth.

12. I want to go on vacation to Miami or Ft. Lauderdale by myself but am slightly afraid of being kidnapped, raped, and never seen or heard of again.

13. I need that vacation like ASAP.

14. My eating habits have changed drastically and I feel the difference. I feel faint almost everyday because I don't eat.

15. I think its stress.

16. When I was younger, I wished for an eating disorder so I could lose weight and be beautiful.

16. I wish I could be more vulnerable with my friends.

17. I hate my job.

18. I want to freelance.

19. I'm not saving money.

20. I'm not as responsible as I thought I was.

21. I can push people away easily.

22. But, its not as easy as others think. I really do obsess over it.

23. I'm late for work everyday.

24. I hate when people walk slowly down stairs.

25. I've been craving ice cream almost everyday.

26. I'm incredibly lonely.

27. I took my pic down because I'm not bold enough to say what's on my mind and have you guys know who I am.

28. 101 things are hard to write on a Blackberry Curve.

29. I play Scrabble at work.

30. I don't fight as hard for myself as I do for everyone else.

31. Sometimes I live like a hermit, no family, no friends, no calls, no outside runs (and i like it just fine)

32. OMG! Why was I ate 62 and I hit a wrong button and I'm back here!

33. I have the tendency to over think things.

34. I'm tired all of the time

35. I love flowers

36. No man has ever brought me them

37. I miss all of my exes

38. I may need a support group...

39. I might need glasses soon

40. I say I don't but I hold grudges

41. I think I might be racist against white people

42. so damn entitled!

43. and the rush for seats on the train.

44. do I have to bring up slavery?

45. I consider Jews to be white

46. I think compared to the residuals, the Holocaust wasn't as bad as slavery.

47. *waits for flood of angry mail*

48. I said it -- and what?

49. I fantasize about punching people in the throat at work

50. I love Haagen Dazs Mango Sorbet

51. It tastes like the summer should.

52. I take up a lot of space

53. in my friends' lives

54. Does that make me needy?

55. Sometimes I wonder why they put up with me

56. I'm moody

57. and sometimes, I like to talk over people

58. I'm impatient

59. and that has ruined a friendship or 2

60. Part of me doesn't care

61. Part of me thinks I'm going to end up homeless

62. Friendless

63. Panty-less

64. which is horrible

65. Well...

66. Given the right circumstances, maybe not

67. I'm horny

68. and thirsty

69. and I want Coldstone

70. but I'm lactose-intolerant

71. and I only let losers into my life

72. I'm highly unmotivated at work

73. But I look so darn cute

74. And that's what really matters

75. and the thing I'm really thinking about is my make-up

76. I need to re-apply

77. I need sex

78. I'm not so big on length as much as girth

79. I'm staring out my window, looking at the big burly dispatcher and thinking about his girth...

80. He's got rage issues

81. That's kinda hot.

82. In the manhandle me and I will like it sort of way

83. I like to get spanked

84. Was that TMI?

85. Oh well, I'm grown

86. And I like it.

87. If you're good at it

88. *sigh*

89. Dying on the inside

90. Trying to not look at every man like a piece of meat

91. Don't they like that though?

92. I want to get my nipples pierced

93. I love my skin

94. I love my eyes

95. I am becoming more and more "stern"

96. I like it

97.It might be apart of my non-patience having self

98.I need a Miami-vice drink

99. Do you guys feel closer to me now?

100. I hope so...

101. Hmmm...

Adventures of Twin and Nina

It was my 6th full day at work and I was still dragging my ass. I wanted to lay in my bed, eat Cadbury caramel, and sleep.

He called.

Can you please help me? I have to make 5 choir robes by tomorrow.

How could I say no?

We ate Italian sausage on potato bread, talked about him kicking his neice out of his house (another post entirely) and got to work.

He sewed, I ironed.

We talked about Jill Scott vs. Erykah Badu. Musiq Soulchild vs. Bilal. Dianna Ross. Drag names. Coming out songs. Ball gowns. Having children.

3 1/2 hours later, we were done.

I fell asleep involuntarily, but kept waking up every hour on the hour. Twin is about 6ft tall, 300 pounds.

He would routinely roll over - on my head. on my chest, or just on me.

I woke up to him throwing pillows on me.

What gives, I said.

"You sleep like a lower-case h. I kept waking up with your knee in my side."

"I kept waking up with your body on my head."

We laughed.

"Never again," he said.


I know there will be a next time. There's always a next time.

G.reat Expe.ctations

If something turns out badly and it was the obvious outcome, most would ask: Well, what did you expect?

I'm asking myself that now.

As I crawled up the ladder at this job, every baby step of the way, I've been terrorised in different ways.

I finally thought that my boss and I had an understanding and I could just do my job and just breathe.

The moment I exhaled, I got the wind knocked out of me.

Former Bossan we'll call her Pinkett said, "I want to tell you something and I don't want you to get upset."

I conceded. I was having a good day.

"(Sweetest intern ever who I helped train) JU overheard (your boss)DK, (the worst micro manager)RG and CEO of the company AM talking and DK was blaming his inadequacies on you. AM was heard yelling at DK to fire you.

My jaw was on the floor. My eyes were bulging out of their sockets and its not only because I've stayed late every day for a month (except 2 days), not only did I work 6 days straight for the first 3 weeks, not only have I trained 2 people while I've been in this position, implemented policies and have covered ass well, I am totally blind-sighted.

What did I expect?

Decency and integrity.
Oh, and my work speaking for itself.

But now, I'm tired.

If I stay late, it is to milk the clock. I want my due. I am going to wait this storm and hopefully, I will get fired and a few of my nay sayers - I hope they take the job and know my struggle.

I will sit pretty and stress-free and collect unemployment and do what I am supposed to - write and make-up people's faces.

I already knew they didn't respect women's voices. I knew they didn't like blacks moving up, so really what did I expect.

As the Mind Flexes

Yes, Chris, I stole the title of your blog for the title of this post because your blog title is the dopeness.

This is going to be my verbal vomitting.Here's a montage of mini-posts I've written but haven't sent.

So, here we go.

Silence is Golden

I think life would be a lot simpler, if people learned to shut the eff up. I work a lot with complaints, people wanting to get things from me, yada yada ya..Half of the time, I do not need convincing. If you ask me, I will give it to you if I can. If you ask correctly the first time or if I'm feeling kind that time.I'm stoic that way. If the answer was 'no' on question 1. On question #201, the answer will still be 'no.' That's me. I don't do sweet talk. If I don't see a way I can benefit, unless I'm feeling kind, it will be 'no.'

****

It's a Thin Line

Why is it that the men who I want to be in my face, I am invisible to and the men from whom I want to be far away are always smiling and profiling. I always feel like I should go hard and approach someone. When I do, they end up being gay, crazy, non-commital, or offer me coke. Yes, offer me coke.

It was a brisk night. LP and I were having Popeye's, when he automatically caught my attention. He was tall, brown-skinned, wearing a seersucker suit with a v-neck white tee, and a tan fedora. It was cute and quirky.

I walked past him to walk out the door, when he said, "Wow, you're really beautiful."

I'm a sucker for compliments and interestingly dressed men.

"Do you want to go with me and my friend to a party?"

"No thanks, I have to work early in the morning."

"Are you scared?"

"Of course not," I laughed and continue to walk out the door.

"If you ever want to, let me know."

LP and I walked outside and started talking, all the while the thoughts were swirling around me.

I kept thinking, "Maybe I should."

So, as he walked out, he said something I didn't hear.

I said, "Hey! Where's this party at again?"

He said, "Well, I'm really late. Me and my buddy Leo are musicians and we're playing tonight. If you want to come, first, we're going to my house to do a few lines."

I said, "Lines as in coke?"

He said, "Yes," I'm guessing he mistook my surprise for excitement.

"You coming," he asked, placing his arm around my waist.

"Watch your hands." He stopped smiling. I felt like I slapped him.

"Well, I'm going to Pinkberry to get a smoothie."

"It was nice to meet you, Don"

I shook my head as I headed to the train station. I knew what he wanted. I knew what he represented, and frankly, I'm not that type of girl.

**

Support + What Do You Think, Baby?

There is not enough time in the day for anything anymore. As soon as I walk in the door and look up, it's 5pm. Man...I just don't know.

I bought new bras on Saturday. I feel lifted and sexy.


Snapshot from a conversation on Saturday night:
So, Nina, we all already know you're bi-sexual, so why don't you tell us about it."

My mouth dropped to the floor.

"What do you mean Hershey?"

"Just what I said. Don't be shy. Dish."

We all sat along the table eating a pot luck dinner, laughing and joking when someone said we should play dirty hearts - an all out kiss and tell fest.

That question started it all. Hershey always thought there was something special about me. He always thought I had some type of deviance to me. He was searching for something.

"I've never slept with a woman, before."

"I don't believe you."

"Wow."


Amazing what people think about you.

Music for your Life...

MEME Rules:
1. Put Your iPod/ music player on shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
At Your Best - Aaliyah

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The Greatest – Cat Power (how funny is that)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
I Want You – Common (feat Will.I.Am) (creepy)


HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Make Me Over – Christina Aguilera (this is actually true)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Heaven Sent – Keyshia Cole


WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
G.O.D. Gaining One’s Definition – Common ft Cee-Lo


WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Sunday After You - Kenna

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Chop Suey – System of a Down (lol)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Spanish Lesson – Madonna

WHAT IS 2+2?
My December – Linkin Park


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Be Good to Me – Ashley Tisdale (I know…I know..but, it’s a cute song)


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Rhapsody in Blue– Duke Ellington


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Giving it All Away – Ashlee Simpson

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Some Say – Sum 41


WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Follow – Brandi Carlile (lol)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
You Gotta Be – Des’ree


WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Home is Where the Hatred is – Gil Scott Heron (Definitely not)


WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Smile Like You Mean It – The Killers


WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Breathe – Jill Scott


WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Say It Again – Natasha Bedingfield

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
A lovely Day – Gil Scott Heron

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Didn’t Cha Know – Erykah Badu


I’m eclectic…ooooohhh! I likey.

Whom shall I tag? All my blog friends have done this so far…hmmmm

Longing...

I just want someone to love me. This is the secret I hold near and dear to my heart. This is the thought that I whisper to the darkness.

Love.

Me.

Love.
Me.

Love. Me.

Love.Me.

Me.

In spite all of my flaws. Be the person I can count on. Help me face the fears and the insecurity.

Love.

Hold my hand for no reason. Listen to me rant and rave. Raise sand for no reason and vent. Kiss me in times of doubt and be patient with me. Spoon me in the nighttime. Share your thoughts. Play Scrabble. Go to museums. Show me new things and keep me on my toes.

Me.

I'm tired of never being 1st choice or never feeling like #1.

My life is in shambles.

This job...this job...this job!!

They hate to see Black people on the come up. To see a Black woman is like -barf-

I'm so tired. I'm so stressed. I'm frustrated.

I just don't know.

I'm trying to tell myself to be strong. Have a positive attitude. Forget the tsunami of shit flowing my way, but my arms are tired of swimming.

Something's got to give.

Sick and Tired

Sick and Tired

I'm searching for something.

I'm frustrated and lonely.

I'm tired.

I'm a horny toad...but that's just because my hormones are having a field day.

I want to feel something. A close connection with a male.

I flirt with a man everyday at work. He's attractive and funny and he rubs my back. He keeps me light.

I glow with the attention he gives me.
Gi and I had cocktails after work and talked about affection. I crave it. It races through my veins like a drug. Blair and Afro would spoon me at night and I would feel small and protected. I remember one night Blair turned with his back to me and I pulled my body close to his and lay my face on the smooth cool skin. I buried my nose and breathed him in. I will never forget that.

Maybe I kept trying to get back to that moment.

*sigh*

I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of being strong.

I want to be weak and vulnerable and crumple up into a ball and just be me.

I think that is who my soulmate would be. Someone who will allow me to cry. And I mean that ugly cry where my face is beet red and the snot is falling and my eyes look like little slits.

I'm tired of guarding myself. I want to be treated like something delicate and special.

*cue Najee, Will Downing and Zhane*

Work this week was a nightmare. Our system crashed and since my Blackberry is incapable of mobile blogging...here we are.

I think I'm sick of having everything on my shoulders all the time.

I'm sick of not being able to count on anyone half of the time.

I'm sick of bum bitch ass females looking me up and down all the time. I'm tired of no self-esteem having big girls. Yes, I'm cute and big and I wear shit that's short or tight, low in the front and back or a combination of all four. And yes. I'm flyy like shit.

I'm sick of bum bitch ass dudes always in my face. You don't want anything but to bone so trot on and leave me alone.

I'm sick of black grooming establishments. Why must I wait 4 hours to get a ponytail or to wash my hair and style it. My hair is 8 inches long....wtf? Why must I wait 2 hrs for the only gay Vietnamese man I've ever met to do my nails? Furthermore, why do I do this to myself on a bi-weekly basis?

Something's got to give because every night I'm too tired to even masturbate or clean or do a load of laundry. Now...the clean underwear is dwindling and I'm ashamed to show someone my apartment. Let's not even talk about the reprucussions of not masturbating regularly.

*exhale*

Sorry ya'll...I just needed to vent.

What I did on my weekend vacation

Well, it wasn't really a vacation or a weekend. I worked for 6 hours on Saturday. Well, technically, I worked for 4 hours and played Scrabble for 2. I'm addicted to Scrabble online. You all should sign up...its scrabulous.com and if you leave your e-mail address in my comments, I'll send you my username and we'll play.

Anywho...I went and got another tattoo. And it is huge and beautiful. I've received a lot of questions on it and before I show it to you..let me put your mind at ease. The shit hurt like someone was branding me...like I was under Buffalo Bill's sewing machine....and it felt like that for 4 hours after. I couldn't pick up things and it still hurts to stretch. SO..there


The whole thing. It stretches to the beginning of my bra clasp. It means




Beautiful


Strong


Blessed


in Sanskrit.

Which adds to my existing tatt

Gye Nyame which means God is Supreme. It is a Ghanaian symbol.

And....the pics were taken when the tattoos were fresh so the white substance on my neck is tape glue.

Anywhoo....I am still broke because of it, but I'm happy and I fall more in love with it every time I see it. It looks much better in person.