Saturday, June 7, 2008

Sick and Tired

Sick and Tired

I'm searching for something.

I'm frustrated and lonely.

I'm tired.

I'm a horny toad...but that's just because my hormones are having a field day.

I want to feel something. A close connection with a male.

I flirt with a man everyday at work. He's attractive and funny and he rubs my back. He keeps me light.

I glow with the attention he gives me.
Gi and I had cocktails after work and talked about affection. I crave it. It races through my veins like a drug. Blair and Afro would spoon me at night and I would feel small and protected. I remember one night Blair turned with his back to me and I pulled my body close to his and lay my face on the smooth cool skin. I buried my nose and breathed him in. I will never forget that.

Maybe I kept trying to get back to that moment.


I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of being strong.

I want to be weak and vulnerable and crumple up into a ball and just be me.

I think that is who my soulmate would be. Someone who will allow me to cry. And I mean that ugly cry where my face is beet red and the snot is falling and my eyes look like little slits.

I'm tired of guarding myself. I want to be treated like something delicate and special.

*cue Najee, Will Downing and Zhane*

Work this week was a nightmare. Our system crashed and since my Blackberry is incapable of mobile we are.

I think I'm sick of having everything on my shoulders all the time.

I'm sick of not being able to count on anyone half of the time.

I'm sick of bum bitch ass females looking me up and down all the time. I'm tired of no self-esteem having big girls. Yes, I'm cute and big and I wear shit that's short or tight, low in the front and back or a combination of all four. And yes. I'm flyy like shit.

I'm sick of bum bitch ass dudes always in my face. You don't want anything but to bone so trot on and leave me alone.

I'm sick of black grooming establishments. Why must I wait 4 hours to get a ponytail or to wash my hair and style it. My hair is 8 inches Why must I wait 2 hrs for the only gay Vietnamese man I've ever met to do my nails? Furthermore, why do I do this to myself on a bi-weekly basis?

Something's got to give because every night I'm too tired to even masturbate or clean or do a load of laundry. Now...the clean underwear is dwindling and I'm ashamed to show someone my apartment. Let's not even talk about the reprucussions of not masturbating regularly.


Sorry ya'll...I just needed to vent.


Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

dont worry, im always horney

Young woman on a journey said...

lol. i feel you on every bit of this. lol.

Chris said...

as far as the laudry...I feel you; I felt that way this weekend...and if you ever read my blog, you'll know I'm tired of wack peeps too...things will get better; they don't really have a choice.

jirzygurl said...

yo i can so identify with this... all i can say is keep hope alive. not everyone is wack as hell. i promise!