seasons + fuckboys

I feel as thought I'm embarking on a new season in my life. As though, it is almost there..its so close that  can touch it and all I have to do is be  positive and boom...it will be here.

I'm excited about my new season.

I embrace it.

I'm ready for it.


Meanwhile on Faacebook, I posted
Once you realize you bring dinner and dessert to the table, you will stop inviting people to dine with you who only bring a knife and fork.

I have to remember this lesson with the dude I talked about in my last post. But, as I sat and I analyzed my last relationships...something I said to an ex came to mind. 

"I'm sick of doing all of the heavy lifting." 

But, not sick enough because with Afroman, Aussie, Claude, Panama Guy....and really pretty much every dude since high school, I've been doing the leg work.The spending on dates and doing things they need and even if its not monetary, its giving up the goods too early, getting comfortable too early, cooking for them too early...being in the type of relationship I want to be in too early. 

And really...the result is the same. 
Those fuckboys were not worth my gotdamn time. Each taking a part of me that I can't get back.
I always wanted to have this optimism about love and life. I thought being hard on men meant that my heart was hard and I was bitter but that's not true.

It makes me smart.
I'm a precious jewel. To find a rough diamond, you have to go deep into the Earth and mine for her. How am I any different??

This man is so damn stupid but I'm worse.I'm a fool. 
I was not fulfilled emotionally, mentally or sexually. I didn't feel supported...actively supported in any of my endeavors. None. Not in a way that didn't benefit him. Yet, I was still willing to be there for him in every aspect of his life. Why? Because for some reason, I still liked him. Why? *crickets*

Or maybe its because he represented an idea in my head of who I as supposed to be with.
We make up this idea of a person...of who we think they are...who we want them to be and suddenly this illusion takes on a life of its own and completely replaces the reality of the situation. No more.

I did makeup for a wedding today and the main thought that I took from it was...I want someone to win my heart. I don't want to give someone my heart. I want them to prove to me that they are fricking worth it, they want it and they will do what it takes to show me that I can trust the with it. 

Until then...I'll be single. 

I think I finally get it!