Maybe THIS is Why I'm Single? Lol

So...the FedEx guy and I see each other a lot since he makes his deliveries and I pick up the company's mail at the same time....anyways, I speak out of being polite. He's cute but he's older.

Wednesday, he asks me what my name is and I told him. I didn't think anything of it.

So, yesterday, we get in the elevator together.

Him: Hi. How are you?

Me: Good. U?

Him: Not as good as you. *gives me a look*

Me: Hmm..*straight face*

Him: This weekend is supposed to be beautiful.

Me: Yup

Him: Are you doing anything this weekend?

Me: I don't know

Him: Where do you live?

Me: Excuse me?

Him: Where do you live?

Me: I heard you. Brooklyn

Him: O, where in Brooklyn?

Me: *side eye* Why do you ask?

Him: I'm going to bang on your door. Would you let me in? *smiles*

Me: *serious face* No.

Him: Why not? I thought I would be welcome.

Me: What gave you that impression?

Him: I don't know. I just thought so.

Me: Oh.

Him: Well, you have a good weekend. *exits*

Me: You too. *fake smile*

I do NOT want to entertain ANYTHING. Not even flirting. He makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why...I think maybe, its because he walks around like you're supposed to fall at his feet. I don't know what it is but I'm not a fan. And....saying hello in the elevator everyday does not equal to flirting or any invitations at all. Negro...you get a big *womp womp*

I really want to be one of those no-nonsense chicks that dudes don't approach unless its on some serious tip. Not sure if I accomplished that...we'll see on Monday, I guess.
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Learn Ya Lesson, Stupid!

Clearly, I don't listen!

I believe God gives us the tools we need and its just up to us to use them. Friday night, the message was about transforming your mind. The pastor said, "Think. Don't make rash decisions."

What did I do Sunday afternoon? I ran into a friend from high school. He's a rapper and was having a show. Would I buy a ticket? $10. Sure. He didn't have change. Can I buy two? Sure.

1. I didn't ask what day it was on. 2. I only had $20 in my pocket. I had my ATM card.

When I got home, I realized that the show was on Wednesday at 9pm!

*sigh*

$20 meant that I was broke yesterday and today.

I knew that I had $19 to last me from yesterday til today. Piece of cake? Right. No...

Lunch was $8. Dinner was $8.

I didn't even like it. I ate 2 bites and was done (Subway sandwich). This morning, I thought I had more money than I thought because when I went to buy breakfast with my ATM card, it said no ma'am. Luckily, I had a couple of dollars in my pocket.

My account had $2.39 (!!!)

I had $4 in my pocket.

Let's just say, I slept during my lunch break.

So.....I get to job#2 and asked Gi for a couple of dollars.

She only had $3 on her and she didn't want to go by the ATM and come back and I couldn't leave my desk. By this time, I had $2 left.

So, on my way home, I passed by a sub-par pizza parlor who we all think is racist. (I.e, they don't greet black people and they act like they don't hear you when you order but if you're spanish - they are- or white, they perk up when you walk in the door.) They have a special $5.50 for 2 slices and a small drink. The pizza parlor down the block has way better pizza and no ummm...hearing issues. They are slightly more expensive.....$1 more for the special. So, I start scraping around in my pocket for that extra $1. I thought I had it but I didn't have it...I told myself I would be fine with 1 slice and a drink. It came up to $4.25. I remember when a slice of pizza was $1.00, now its $2.75!

*sigh*

Pay day is tomorrow! Thank God!

I've learned my lessons and will make better decisions with my money!
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I Can't Stand the Rain

I don't have many fears.

Fear of failure
Fear of heights (maybe not a fear but an acute awareness of the height I'm reaching and its inevitability that people fall/crash/die on ferris wheels)
Fear of homelessness.

The last one is a true blue fear that one day my friends and family would forsake me and I will be forced to panhandle.

That is why I took pity on RR.

its so funny that all of my friends are extremely family oriented and I am not. Bff wants me to go to Mexico with her and all her family members. She's excited! Can't wait! If I were her, I wouldn't be. If it were my family. I've always been ostracized. My stepmom's family never really embraced me because they felt like they didn't have to and my dad's family never embraced me because they felt like I was too close to my mom's fam.

My sister, the eldest, with the kidney cysts doesn't call or write me. The only way we communicate is through fb and every time, I've been the one to initiate it. Seeing as I have to cough up with $156 extra in international charges on my phone bill, I'm in no hurry to call. ESPECIALLY when she told me she had free international calling on her phone after 7. Yeah, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

And my grandmother. She lives down the block from me. She never picks up when I call or calls me back. The only reason she's ever done so is to ask me for something. My mom says I should show up at her house. What granddaughter has to maker her grandmother love her?

So, yes, the fear of homelessness was instilled in me when my brother was having behavioral problems at 16. He couldn't live my grandma and he couldn't live with us, thus, he was shipped all over to various relatives that dint want him either. And no matter what, your friends are not your family...(He later turned to the military)

I know God has my back and I don't have to worry but...just having a sad day.
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arrgh

I am frustrated and tired. Frustrated from being tired. Frustrated from having 2 jobs and getting 4-5 hours of sleep every day but Sunday and having other people with 1 job tell me how tired they are. This job bring out the misery in me.

I went to the gym this morning. Although I had no idea what I was doing and although I should be looking up exercise techniques, I enjoyed it. My period is coming soon..exhaustion + frustration + hormones = rockin good time…

this made me chuckle though (http://devilspanties.keenspot.com/)

For Laura

Yes, this post is for Laura.

Her comment to my celibacy post was:
" k, couple of things: wait until marriage? DUDE, thats like buying a car without test driving (PS it actually doesn't say wait until marriage in the bible... it just tended to be prostitutes who had sex before marriage. BECAUSE, when men realized the role they played in reproduction they developed a patriarchal system bc they don't wanna be involved in raising another man's child... So says Simone de Beauvoir anyway)

Thing number 2: I am Christian, but I've got mad beef with christianity... I mean really, does God care who you have sex with? Who you love etc? I hope not! Love is love. Sex is a part of that, marriage or no. I'm pretty sure God is more chill then most religions give Her credit for! "

Laura, sweetie, have you read the Bible? For if you called yourself a Christian, you are a follower of Jesus Christ who is a MAN. God the FATHER and the Holy Spirit. So, this ubiquitous "Her" is not God.

Secondly, God speaks down on 4 sex sins in the Bible: FORNICATION, Adultery, Homosexuality, and Beastiality.

What is fornication, babes? Having sex outside of marriage.

Instead of believing this Simone person, go to the Source!

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled: but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

Ephesians 5:1-5
Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma. But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as it is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jetting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idoltar, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

And if sex is apart of love, if you "test-drive" the car and it is not good, what? You won't love the person anymore?

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

And if sex doesn't mean anything, why does it change everything?

Last verse (and you should read 1 Corinthians Chapters 5-7)
This verse is from 1Cor 7:8-9
But I say to the unmarried and the widows: it is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

I suggest you don't leave your convictions up to heresay and you search for the answers yourself. Judgment is a sin just as fornication or killing, so I am not judging you, I'm defending my beliefs just as you presented yours. I hope you find peace and truth.

Nina *_*

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bipolar

wednesday
my mother yelled at me because she doesn't think i dress well.

saturday
she takes me shopping. spends $500 on me.

monday.
she yells at me because i took a to-go plate when she fixed food on saturay night.

my life...

Demons & Spirits

The title is kind of misleading. If we believe that we are all spiritual beings, then we all have a choice to contain demons or angels within us. Demons being ugly or bad spirits. Angels being good and godly.

Last week has been a learning experience. I'm learning about who I am and gaining direction in my life.

I almost apologized for the last couple of posts being about God. I never liked people who were ALL about God. I don't think I'm becoming about that but this is the most important thing going on in my life.

Looking at one's self is the most hurtful thing one can do if it is in the spirit of truth. Truthfully speaking, that last post was all wrong. Lust. I have the spirit of lust all in me and I need to get it out.

I keep saying, "God, if you just give me a partner. I've been single too long. I need male attention, I'll be happy. I'll be complete." And we all know that since I'm a mess, adding another person to the mess will complicate things more. Maybe there's a reason why I'm still single.

Its an added distraction to where my eyes should be looking.

I keep asking why do I still curse sometimes? Why do I still have anger issues? Why do I still want to masturbate?

Yesterday at church, the pastor answered my questions...just because you have God doesn't mean he erases everything. The first step has been made: accepting God in my heart. Its up to me to give it all to Him. Its up to me to give Him my mind.

Its not easy. Jesus said, "Come to me all you who labor and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30.
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