Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I Can't Stand the Rain

I don't have many fears.

Fear of failure
Fear of heights (maybe not a fear but an acute awareness of the height I'm reaching and its inevitability that people fall/crash/die on ferris wheels)
Fear of homelessness.

The last one is a true blue fear that one day my friends and family would forsake me and I will be forced to panhandle.

That is why I took pity on RR.

its so funny that all of my friends are extremely family oriented and I am not. Bff wants me to go to Mexico with her and all her family members. She's excited! Can't wait! If I were her, I wouldn't be. If it were my family. I've always been ostracized. My stepmom's family never really embraced me because they felt like they didn't have to and my dad's family never embraced me because they felt like I was too close to my mom's fam.

My sister, the eldest, with the kidney cysts doesn't call or write me. The only way we communicate is through fb and every time, I've been the one to initiate it. Seeing as I have to cough up with $156 extra in international charges on my phone bill, I'm in no hurry to call. ESPECIALLY when she told me she had free international calling on her phone after 7. Yeah, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

And my grandmother. She lives down the block from me. She never picks up when I call or calls me back. The only reason she's ever done so is to ask me for something. My mom says I should show up at her house. What granddaughter has to maker her grandmother love her?

So, yes, the fear of homelessness was instilled in me when my brother was having behavioral problems at 16. He couldn't live my grandma and he couldn't live with us, thus, he was shipped all over to various relatives that dint want him either. And no matter what, your friends are not your family...(He later turned to the military)

I know God has my back and I don't have to worry but...just having a sad day.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile


Kenya Says said...

Chin up Mama! My Dad's side of the fam feels like that toward me too...by the way I mentioned you in a blog award...love your blog!

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Trish said...

We all get those down in the dumps days. You seem to be a very resourceful woman, all about her business so I have confidence that you'd be fine in almost any situation. Hope you cheer up Nina.