How Ye Doin?

I'm sad.
I don't really feel as if my life has any meaning.
I'm lonely and trying to get close to people makes me feel lonelier.
I'm not sure what my purpose in life is and most of my time is spent wandering around.
I hate my job.
I don't like this city I live in and I feel lost.
All the time...I feel so lost but I look good so...everyone thinks I have it together.
Mostly, I need to be held.
I need someone to love on me for a good long time and tell me it will all be alright.

In the meantime, I'm just surviving.

Darling Clementine

And so....we ordered food and walked to his apartment as the night was warm and inviting. We laid on his bed (no other furniture) as he looked for something to watch. He turned to me with a "look" in his eye and kissed me deeply.
"Is this the part where you jump me?"
"Yes ma'am," he said as he unbuttoned my pants. He slid down myself underwear and said, "Yess!" I laughed and then gasped as he spoke to my other lips for as long as I wanted him to. I pushed his head and body up and kissed him. 
 
I pushed myself on top of him and returned the favor. I found his sweet spot and he grabbed me and pushed me down on the bed and went down on me again. I stopped him early and said rather sexily...."I want penetration."
He laughed placing 2 fingers inside me.
"Damn! You're tight and wet," he said.
"Yup and I don't want fingers."
"Oh, you want this dick?"
I licked my lips.
We'd had the condom conversation a while back so it wasn't awkward.
When he entered me....oh my gosh! I suspect sex feels good for men since they're always in pursuit of it but I can't really understand how it feels for them.  For me, it is like a deep tickle or tingle. I also get off on squeezing it and getting my man off. We had sex twice. The second time, it was so good ....so passionate, I found myself squeezing him tighter and tighter and not letting go. I apologized because it wasn't fair....LOL. I practice kegels at work when I'm bored...ha! He came so hard. He didn't really hear my apology.
So....his roommate's sister has a daycare in their place and he didn't want me to do the walk of shame in front of toddlers. But his roommate said it should be OK. He had to work at 7:30 am which meant we had to leave at 6:45 the latest.
At 2am, we were still up watching The Walking Dead. (Don't ask) I wanted to sleep but he couldn't. I'm a light sleeper. I can't sleep unless its total silence and darkness.
Around 3, he knocked out and so did I. When his alarm clock woke us up at 6:30 and he begged for more sleep, I laughed.  Tired or not, when I'm up....I'm up.
And so, he fell back in a deep sleep while I looked out the morning window listening to the sounds of the street.
At 7am, we rushed out the house.
I stared at him in the elevator - his small slanted eyes...slightly smaller than mine....his full lips that feel like pillows when he kisses me. His broad shoulders and the way he walks....they turn me on. He's so proud and strong yet gentle. 
I thought about those eyes again and I said to myself...."Man, if we have kids, between the two of us, they may not be able to see."- of course, in a non-tragic way. I giggled a little. He opened his eyes.
"How is it that you look so fresh? Did you secretly get 8 hours of sleep?"
"I'm pretending."
As we walked, he talked about his day and why he had to be up so early. He's a computer engineer and they're expecting a shipment of parts that they have to work on.
Me: Why couldn't you sleep last night? I'm offended. I was doing my best to put you to bed.
Him: No, you killed me. I don't know how I'm going to get through the day. I fell asleep for a second but I had to stay up because my roommate didn't have his keys.  I slept all day and so my body definitely wanted to sleep but my mind was just up. You did a good job. *pats me on the back*
Me: Smh. Lol.
I wanted to hold his hand.
In that moment, I said..."Shit. I like him. I want to be his girlfriend and I don't want to fuck this up."
He swiped his MetroCard to put me on the train and held out his arms to hug and kiss me.
"Have a great day Nina."
"You too DK."
I smiled as the train came....I had a long day ahead.

Buh-Bye Pt 2 (Finally!)

He answers it. (!!!)
He agrees to let his cousins come over. (!!!!!)
They do and bring food. He then proceeds to have a loud ass conversation with them about random dumb shit.
I feel uneasy about it.
I leave.

I proceed to curse him out via text.
He doesn't know why I'm upset.

Firstly, we just had wack ass sex and then you smoke a joint, fall asleep in another room and then let your cousins come over. I'm supposed to feel secure in a house by myself with 4 dudes, 3 of whom I couldn't pick out of a lineup. Right.

I tell him I don't want to see him anymore.

The next day, he texted me 'Good Morning.' I replied with the same.

I went to brunch with my friend JG and I tell him the whole story. He's like why the fuck did you text him some pleasantries. You should cursed him out again. He's probably thinkin you're not serious.
So, I emailed him why I don't want to see him anymore.

The first of which was that he somehow tricked some woman into marrying him although he doesn't eat pussy and that is a deal-breaker for me. Then, his erectile dysfunction. And lastly...the wack shit of having a spontaneous party after that wack ass sex.

I told him....
"If we are supposed to have a strictly sexual relationship and the sex is far from satisfying, what's the point?"

After this whole diatribe from me ..this fool says..."You don't have the right to tell me who can come to my house and when. We never had a relationship. We had a friendship."

A friendship is not a type of relationship.

Which proves he's a fucking idiot and he never shoul have gotten the panties.

Ugh!

stress-induced

i can't even formulate words in a sentence to make myself sound intelligent.

i'm stressed out.
and angry.
frustrated.
tired.

and i don't know why but i'm unhappy.

and i think its my job.

Buh-Bye

!!!!!!!!!!NSFW!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesdsay, Trini text me some really freaky stuff as he was getting off of work and I was going in.
That opened the door for me to have a difficult conversation with him that I'd been wanting to all along.

"I'm not feeling satisfied sexually with you. I know it might just be the whole bleeding thing but I just have to know."

"What's the problem?"

"I want you to go down on me."

"I don't do that."

"You don't eat pussy?"

"I have before. It's just not my thing...but I love being sucked off. It's my favorite thing in the world."

"So you should understand why I would want you to go down on me."

"Yes but I hate it."

"Sucking dick isn't that fun for me."

"Yes, but do you hate it?"

"No, but it isn't my favorite thing to do but I do it because it pleases you. Maybe you should do it to please me."

"Mmmm...I'm thinking about you sucking me off right now."

*sigh*

>>>>>>>>

Friday night, I was feeling really "bothered." So, I text Trini to see what he was doing. He was hosting a poker party for his friends in hopes to make a little extra money.

I told him how I was feeling and he was like....tell me what you would want me to do to you.
The first thing I said was go down on me and then I proceeded with exact positions and such.

He says, "Oh, I'll definitely give you the D." - and glazed over the other stuff that I said.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Saturday night, Trini and I agreed to meet up. I would spend the night and he would take me home in the morning on his way to work. I came over in sweats, no makeup and no hair. It was may-jor. He actually liked it. He said I looked very different but essentially, I'm beautiful with or without it. We watched Poetic Justice on BET. In the middle of it, he muted the movie and turned on some music and was like "Dance for me."

So I did my lil strip tease. We passionately kissed. He started biting my neck and sucking on my breasts and going further down so in my head, I'm like YES!!! He takes off my panties. YES! And he puts on a condom and starts penetration.

It was more like a Yes than a YES.

All of a sudden, he stops and is like..."suck me off."

He's flaccid.

Oy.

We try again. Different position. He stops.

At first, I thought I was bleeding. Nope. Flaccid.

He blames the condom. Its too tight. He gets another.

We're good. We're good. He stops.

In my mind...I'm like WTF!!!!

"Your pussy is so tight and this condom is tight too. I feel like my dick is choking."

He gets up. He's talking to himself. Nothing is working.

"What do you want me to do?"  He means, the alternative is to go without the condom and I'm not with that.  So he just got off with a handjob.

I was pissed.

Literally in the past 5 years, I've had sex maybe a handful of times. I thought this was going to be my way back in. The situation was set up perfectly. He was emotionally unavailable and I was emotionally detached. Even if he didn't have all his baggage, it wouldn't work out between us so there was no way I could fathom in my mind a relationship past something sexual but he was not performing his main function.

At least we could cuddle.

"I'm going to finish watching Poetic Justice."

"Really? I just want to go to bed"

"Ok, I'll be there in a few minutes."

About 10 minutes pass. His phone rings.

Ninjas

We met online after he sent me this beautifully written message about how he would love to make my acquaintance. Emails were exchanged. Then numbers and then I found myself at Therapy Wine Bar in Brooklyn last night after a full day of knowing this person...waiting for him. My mind was a mixture of things: is he crazy, will he show, would he be as awesome in person as he was online????

He walked in and was a vision of everything I want in a man. 6ft3, football player build, long black locs down his back and handsome as ever. He spoke in a British accent that threw me off slightly but because he spoke slowly, it didn't really matter so much. We could understand each other well.

Plus..he was chivalrous. As I went to open my own door, he said:
"I don't know what these Brooklyn lads are up to but you will never reach to open your own door in my presence."

That was super sexy!

Drinks turned to dinner and we were flirting with each other pretty heavily. I like to flirt and smile and blush and he seemed to like making me flirt, smile and blush. Halfway through dinner, he said, "Do you have to work tomorrow?" I replied in the negative. "Then I can keep you up half the night then."  "I don't think so."

The conversation grew. He broke out in Japanese and told me a story of how he met a girl in the airport who only spoke Japanese but could write in English and he promised her that he would learn the language in a month...which he did. He also casually mentioned that he has a PhD in BioChemistry and is doing his residency at  a Brooklyn hospital.

Yea, he was amazeballs.

"I want to come home with you tonight."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

He let the issue drop as we left the bar.

"Do you know of a 24-hr pharmacy?"

I navigated us to one that was about 20 minutes in the opposite direction of my house.

"So, when I take you home, will I be invited up?"

"No, you will not."

"Am I not your type?"

"Actually, you are to the T."

"So, what's the problem?"
"I don't know you."
He went in on this long speech about how life is short and if you know someone fits all the requirements you have...then why bother making them wait to engulf them in your life. Your home is the most personal place  you can invite someone and that's how you let them know that you are serious about making something work with them.

"That is your opinion." I changed the subject. "How many brothers and sisters do you have?"

"8."

"And you are..."

"The second youngest."

"Ahh....you're spoiled then."
"You could say that. I'm used to getting what I want. If I don't then I know that situation is not for me."

"That's most unfortunate. You miss out on so many good things if you wait them out."

"Well, my philosophy hasn't steered me wrong yet."

We drove on in silence until we got to my house. Attempts at conversation were awkward.

"Penny for your thoughts, pretty lady."

"I feel like if I don't let you up to my apartment, there will be no date number 2...which is a pity because I actually like you."

He chuckled. "You're crazy."

We pulled up to my house.

"I hope I haven't offended you. My cousin invited some girls to my house. He says one is for me. I don't really want to go home."
"I'm sorry. I can't let you in."

I kissed him on the cheek and walked myself to my door. I didn't turn back to see if he was there when I went inside.

Woke up this morning to find that my test results had come in online. "All results normal. No signs of infection." I thought about dude from last night. I want to keep it that way.