Life Truths

A positive relationship is a give and take. If you're the one always giving or always taking, you're making the relationship negative.

I learned this in church yesterday.

Maybe my problem with my friends is that I don't lean on them enough emotionally. It kind of makes sense that my blog friends empathize with me more because I tell you guys the nuances of my day.

I've had a huge 'W' on my chest my whole life, always being WonderWoman for everyone around me. Always being there. A rock. My own mother told me after I was like 9, she doesn't remember me crying more than a handful of times. She laughed because I was such an emotional child. She mused that I cried enough between the ages of 3-4 alone for the rest of my life.

BFF kind of said the same thing. In 10 years of friendship, she's never actually seen me cry.

So, yea that's something I have to work on. Not saying I'm going to turn on the waterworks but when people ask me how I am, I have to stop answering with 'fine' or 'good' if I'm not.

In lighter news, I've decided to introduce some design into my apartment. I bought some purple curtains for my living room. After I put them up, I decided I wanted sky blue ones. So typical of me...I want to have blue green and pink pillows. A couple of vases. A wall of mirrors. Simple accents that will introduce color. I want to update carpet which is the biggest thing I'm excited. Hopefully, I will be done by the end of the summer to have a small party.

I met a dude on plenty of fish and we were talking through email/aim all weekend. He's cool. He's my age...at least until August. Its so weird me dating guys who are not at least 7-10 years older than me. I'm always like..eww, you're young. Hahaha...anyway..no big announcement but he's nice. I told him I'm going to be celibate until marriage and his reaction was normal - shock, awe. Lol. But, he said he respects it, so we'll see.

I've named my book and finished a story which Young Woman will edit for me. Yay! 2 of 10 stories finished. I want to publish it by January. (That's the date I tell people, I really want to be done by the Fall...crazy, I know! But I'm like...let's get this show on the road!)

Afroman is visiting on the 15th. Yay! I miss him. We're going to church that weekend. He's going to see the changes to the apartment. He's been around since I was living in my mom.

My friend from college, Marsha, who was living in Australia for the past year is going to visit me Memorial Day Weekend. She kept me from beating down my racist roommate freshman year! Ooh wee...haven't seen her since then. 6 years.

Ummmm...ummmm...ummmm...
I'm late for work because I sat down while getting ready and was looking in space. I have a huge run in my stocking. A big hole right on my knee. Its raining and I'm wearing boots but I almost slipped on the train. This guy was like "Safe!" I was like...thanks and laughed. He was like a pretty girl who can make fun of herself, will you marry me? Hahaha. NYC. Smh.

Ok, that's it! Lol. Sorry for the long post!
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Lost Something I've Had for a Long Time + Doing a Naomi

My 3rd molar or wisdom tooth.

The doctor gave me 4 huge needles in my cheek and gums. They tested to make sure I couldn't feel anything. The surgeon came and tested again. She did her incision and pulled the tooth with pliers. I literally heard it as she pulled it out. The doctor did my sutures. It was kinda hard for him to sew it because its in the back of my mouth and its dark back there. Plus half way through, I felt like something was lodged in the back of my throat and I started coughing like a maniac. I had string hanging out of my mouth and stuff...

Guess its slightly comical now.

I have gauze in my mouth and my children's Motrin in my purse for when it starts to get hairy.

All in all, this tooth has cost me $304 + 3 days of work.

On another note, I think I'm going to fall back in several areas of my life.

I've really been feeling like my friends don't care very much. I feel like I've gotten more love and concern from blog friends like young woman than lifelong friends like bff.

Let me take a moment to say, THANK YOU, YOUNG WOMAN!

Not saying that I need constant attention but popping up to ask how I'm doing is much appreciated. Especially since things have been rough on me lately.

In the organization I'm apart of, I've been doing a lot. People who don't do anything have been coming down on me talking smack about the work I'm doing. That's like you watching someone cut the grass in the hot sun while you're sipping lemonade and you tell them..oh you forgot the weeds.

I'm tired and I feel alone. I feel like throwing my phone out the window because every time someone calls/texts me its abt them and I'm there for them but when I call/text them and its about me...its crickets.

Everything that gets used up must be filled. I'm used up emotionally and no one is filling me back up. I'm spent mentally and nothing is filling me back up and so..I'm done for the moment.

After a season of sowing, there is a season of harvest. I believe this may be my season where suffering is sowing some things in me: character, patience, and some things I don't even know. Hopefully, it will bring a harvest of things I can't yet imagine.

I'm encouraged but this is not fun for me.

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Warning: This Post is Not for the Faint of Heart/Stomach

"Have I entered a season of suffering?" I twittered on Tuesday night as the clock struck 2am and my finger was being x-rayed. I smashed it in my mother's door as I was locking it. I've smashed my finger in doors before (sadly) and I never ended in the ER. This time, my nails are wrapped in acrylic. I'm a nail biter when under stress which is like, umm..all the time. Because my nail was wrapped in acrylic, when the heavy door smashed the nail, it cracked in about 5 pieces and was bleeding A LOT. I cried for about 15 minutes before I could contain myself enough to even think of what to do. I woke my poor mother up and I was such a mess. I literally had streaks of mascara/liquid liner rolling down my cheeks. My eyes were red. She was like...we need to go the ER. So, we get there and when I was able to see the doctor, he was like, I don't know what to do. HUNH?

He'd never seen it before. I had two options, leave the broken acrylic on and hope my finger doesn't fall off or take off the acrylic thus my nail and hope it grows back. HUNH?

I opted for the latter since infection is highly probable.

The doctor who was either high or really tired or both gave me a needle on both sides of my finger right where the knuckle is, a needle where he stuck it in the side of my finger and pushed the end across my finger and another on the bottom. Dude, omg...the last one..since the skin is so thick on the palm of your hand, the needle was huge and the injection sites still hurt. He said I took it better than most men. Yay!

He then took surgical scissors and peeled off the acrylic off of my nail. He was able to salvage a lot of it. He did warn me that it may turn black (a scab) and then the scab will fall off, replaced with a new nail. It will take about a month. He prescribed me (children's) liquid motrin for the pain.

I got home at 3:30am and actually went to work. I got 3 hours of sleep and was so out of it. Plus, I couldn't type, write, or move the fingers next to it. Since it's my middle finger that's smashed...that meant I could only move my pinky and thumb. USELESS unless of course I'm gonna do all my work on my blackberry. Um, yea.

I got sent home at 11. I went to job#2 and told them. Got home by 12:15. Was asleep by 12:16. I kept waking up to various texts. One was from a friend saying it was a mutual friend's bday. Dinner 7:30. I got up at 6:30 and got ready. My left-handed make-up job was pretty sweet. Lol.

We went to Red Lobster. I hadn't been since 2005. it was delish.

Friends had mad jokes on me but they were funny. They said my left-handed make-up was 10x better than my left-handed eating and that's because I practice make-up more than eating which is probably true. Everyone's a critic. (Lol)

Got home at midnight.

Woke up doubtful of whether I should work today. I sent Jake a text. He was like, girl please..

:-0

Lol...so now I'm on the train. How in the world am I gonna make it next week with working only 16hours (22 if I stay a full day today)? Lord Help!

That's why I asked if I were going through a season of suffering. Its just one thing after the next.

Smh

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Being a Harlot

I was laughing at myself this morning. Last summer, I BOLDLY wore skirts that came mid-thigh with no problem. Today, I'm wearing a lovely dress that's grazing my knee and I'm freaking out. Smh

Is it God? Hmmmm....

I'm really thinking about cutting all of my hair off. ~Random thought~

So....I really wish my friends would make better decisions.

BFF and I went to church yesterday. We were supposed to go to the 9am service because she wanted the rest of her day. Why was I calling her like crazy and she wasn't picking up. Finally, I get her at 8:30 (!!), she was still asleep. I was pissed but didn't say anything.

I told her later, she likes sleep too much. She was like..its a hobby. I told her to grow up. I get maybe 25 hours of sleep during the week. I value rest not sleep. You get your rest but you go overboard into sleep and when you wake up, you're still tired. She was like..true but still...

I really hate that about her. Like, if we need to do something and its in the am...we're gonna be late unless I yell at her and make her feel bad first. Then, she's only on time out of defiance.

So, in her defense, she says she took a Benadryl the night before. WHY? Friday night, she took one at like 2am. She wasn't right until like 2pm the next day. And Saturday night, she knew she would have less than 8 hours of sleep. So, why would you take a Benadryl.

So, whatever. We went to church -almost late for 11am- and we go to the grocery store and then back to her house to cook dinner.

We were talking about making better decisions and I was talking about the dude and the phone number and just saying no even when you want to say yes to be nice. It was very light-hearted at least on my part.
She's like...I have a confession.
I slept with PuertoRican Bobby last night. Bobby for short.

Bobby is this dude she's known since junior high. She used to have a wild crush on him. But, he's all grown up. And he's a loser. Sorry, he is...he has 2 kids. 2 diff baby mamas. Works part-time!! He smokes and sells weed. Generally, does nothing to get himself out of his situation. She's been resisting his advances for a while.

She told our other friend who is deeper in the church a situation that mirrored it but not using spending money as the issue. Her friend was like..its just like if you have a problem with sex. you don't invite someone over to your house.. i was *dead* lol

I was like, BFF, please tell me how you want me to react because you already know my reaction. It as stupid and it only fed your flesh. You have no future with him. I just want you to make better choices. You told the boy you're not ready for this type of relationship. You told the boy you don't want to be with him. You told th eboy you dont want him and then you have sex with him.

I HATE job#2. I really want to quit but..IDK. I guess I will have to trust in God to make a way.

I am really over the other blog. It feels like work.

I'm sick of a lot of things and I just want to run away and hide.

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Mind-Numbing Pain + Pain as a Muse+ Catching Football-Sized Hints + Being a Harlot + Where's My $$ Man

I haven't really posted because most of my posts would be like...Kill me please.

Last week, my wisdom tooth was killing me so much. Omg!

It started on Monday with swelling. Tuesday, I was sounding like a 5 year old. Wednesday, I couldn't open my mouth to speak hardly. Thursday, I was at the dentist, desperate for the to just pull the thing. But no! They gave me antibiotics. The tooth didn't fully erupt and so there's a hole in it with bacteria, causing the pain so severe, I swear, I felt it in my entire body.

Since I can't swallow pills, I would put an Excedrin on the hole, drink hot water to dissolve it quickly. Then I would put Anbesol in the hole and then dissolve another Excedrin on top of it again. I did this every 2 hours.

When I told the doctor that, she looked at me equal parts disgusted and horrified.

They gave me liquid penicillin and Children's Motrin since that's the only liquid pain killers they have. Lovely.

The oral surgeon wasn't able to pull (like I was told) so...I have to wait til Friday to go.
Friday, Friday, Friday has been my mantra seeing as I can't even smile for too long since the act of brushing up against my gum is painful and speaking is just - ugh! I'm known for my enunciation. This lisp is depressing.

The pain keeping me up at night has helped me, believe it or not. I force myself to think of something else. Usually, that something else has turned into a story idea. So, yay!

Remember train dude in the last post? Well, as soon as that post was up, he called. Lol

And kept calling...

He called like 5 times in a day. I was flabbergasted. Like, after 2 days of calling, if you don't call me back, I'm over it. Noooooooooo!

After a little over a week of the nonsense, I text(ed) him yesterday.
Me:Please stop calling me. I'm sorry but I don't think we're compatible. Thank you.

-i thought I was doing well since I usually tell dudes to die..-

Him: So intresting that you just judged a book by it's cover. We have not been to a date yet. When I saw you,something said to me you are a lady,now should I doubt my instinct. No. Wouldn't it be nice if we go on a date

-sounds like you judged me by a cover?yup. not taking the bait. -

Me:Not up for debate. I wish you much success in all your future endeavors.

Him: You too but never cut a bridge. Bless

Umm, whatever. I knew if he didn't get to stop calling someone after a week of no response (!!) he wouldn't get where I was coming from.

Smh.

To be continued...
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You Can Get My Number...Yes, Its Possible...

Friday evening, I was on the train with BFF. This dude caught my eye. He looked interesting. He had dreads that went a little past his shoulders. He was dressed with fitted jeans, shoes, a shirt and tie with a blazer. Cute. He mouthed across the way, "You're so beautiful." I blushed and thanked him. A little later, he came up and was like this is my stop but can I have your name and number. I gave it to him.

Simple. Nice.

But...here's how I won't call you back

So...Saturday, I was waiting for a friend and I was an hour early...typical me. He called me and I missed the call. I called him back. Let's just say.......

In an 8minute conversation, he asked me 2 questions about myself. How old am I and where do I live?

He talked about himself and in between told me I was pretty like 5times.

Turn off!

So, I made up some excuse and hung up.

I think he got the hint because he hasn't called back and I'm not calling him.
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Random Things Going On + Single Black Female in the City

I've kinda falling off. Note: not fallen.

I didn't go to church yesterday and I haven't read my Bible since Thursday.

Horrible.

I doubt I will go to church this week...unless I take off work.

So...I'm thinking of changing my style a lot this summer.

I was talking to Twin about it. I mapped it out.

My hair is gonna be a swoop with a mohawk in the back.

My make-up look is gonna be bronzed with metallic eyes. Think of the contrast: the silver eyes and the bronzed skin.

He was like...what about the clothes? Lol. I was like uhhhh....

Lmao.

So, as I'm writing this...this dude gets on the train. Clearly drunk. I'm listening to my iPod. So, he walks up on me...starts leaning in really close and all I can smell is the liquor on his breath. I almost gagged. He starts saying stuff. Half of it, I couldn't hear and the other half was indecipherable. I'm like leave me alone...the wrong thing and then I move seats.

He starts yelling to the top of his lungs..."You're fat! You're ugly! I probably have more money than you. Your fat ass...your busted weave...I have a job! I got more money than you!"Other not so nice things and I just turn up my ipod...I was prepared to knock fire out of him with the wood part of umbrella...if he came at me.

I was shaking like...if this mofo wouldve hit me...no one would do anything to stop it.

This city is bananas!

*So, I get off and its raining soooo hard. My mom calls me like..I wish I could pick you up. No worries, I say, I'll hail a cab. She calls me 5 minutes later...you in a cab? Yes. Stay on the phone with me...mind you...the ride is 5 minutes. Umm..I'm fine. On the other line. Ok. Call me as soon as you get home. If she ONLY knew...smh
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