pms

today
i am looking at the world with flames in my eyes.
i want to watch it burn.

gone is the optimism...the youthful abandon by which i look at situations.

i just want to yell and scream and kick things.

i am angry. restless. tired. fatigued.

a headache is ravaging my brain.

i want to give people the finger.

i want to smack random strangers.

once again, i am that girl back in junior high school that's brooding in the corner watching the children play without her.

once again, in one of the most populated cities in the world, i feel completely alone.

I Ain't Perfect...but....DAMN!

Gi is a really good person. She's kind, generous, funny, smart, real...but sometimes, I want to shake some sense into her!

She started talking to this dude 2 weeks ago. Monday, she had sex with him. She spent the night with him last night. Did I mention, she slept with my boss 2 weeks after talking to him, too? Then he disappeared on her. Not completely since we all work together.

I gave her a pep talk. I told her she's precious..if she would only slow down. She's talking marriage. She's thinking marriage. Its been a cycle. The last 4-5 men she's been with, she's known for under a month. She's like...well....each time, I wanted to do it. I wanted sex.

I said, I routinely fantasize about punching strangers in the back of the neck. I really wanted to do it. The same reason I don't is the same reason you shouldn't have sex...because just because I want to do it doesn't make it right.

Granted, if you go back to this time last year, I made some bad decisions. I had a buck fuddy. I had what I thought would turn into a relationship stay at the most basic level. I've been hurt by going with urges and not with thoughts of the morning after and Gi has heard my hurt, my disappointment in the walk of shame instead of morning breakfast. She has gotten attached quickly and has cried or felt like mold on year old cheese. Yet, she continues to make the same mistakes. Part of this has to do with my own Capt Save-A-Hoe selfishness as well. It all starts the same. Boy meets girl. Boy spends hours on the phone with girl. Girl feels like boy is a nice guy. Boy gets sex. Boy stops returning phone calls. Girl cries. Part of me doesn't want to hear it. Imagine if every day was Groundhog Day?

But, I have to realize...I can't control the things that happen in my life, much more than anyone else's.

God and Heavenly Father,
Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed;courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

*le sigh*

This morning, my phone was dead and so when my mom rang my doorbell to give me a ride to the train station, I was rushing to leave the house so she wouldn't leave me. See, here's the thing...If she's running late, I should just swallow it. If she needs money, I better have it to give to her. When the shoe is on the other foot...oh I get questioned, interrogated, even.

SO FINE!

I'm running down my stairs...and fell. I broke my sandals..(thong sandals...both shoes), scraped my elbow...my thigh hurts. Perfect, I thought.

I dusted the look of surprise off my face..Ran back up the stairs and searched quickly for another pair of shoes.

As I'm walking up the stairs, she honks her horn. Right after, I hear her car leave.

I'm FUMING!
I turn on my phone...which, if you have a BB, you know..it takes a minute...
I call her. She then proceeds to tell me she called me and my phone rang and rang. I was like..My phone was off...what are you talking about???
I start yelling. She starts yelling.

I say, I'm not going to argue with you about this.

She says, I know you're not arguing because you're wrong.

I hang up on her. At no point did she ask me if i were okay.

She calls me back 12 times! back to back! I kept ignoring the calls.

She's nuts!

I'll give it a day or so and talk to her because I really don't want to hear it. She's the type..she can't let it die. She's going to revisit it...even if I don't talk to her for a flippin year!

Morning Commute

The things I'm thankful for, I also want to bash my head against a wall for as well.

My mom drives in and drops me off at my connecting train. Lovely, right?

Yes, but it means suffering through her talking incessantly for 30 minutes straight. If she's not talking, she's singing. In case you were wondering, she can't sing. It drives me INSANE.

This morning she told me a girl I grew up with, who is no more than like 300 pounds had gastric bypass. She's 19. She's in the hospital screaming from the pain. Her heart rate isn't stabilized. It is SERIOUS.

Then she's like...why are you so tired?

What time do you get home? You don't go to bed right away?

I'm like...11pm...*answering reluctantly*

Well, why you gotta frown your face up? I'm just asking a question.

Ugh! Don't question me. If I'm tired, let me BE. Funny thing is...she knows all the projects on my plate. Idk maybe she thinks I sprinkle fairy dust and voila!
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I'm Going to End Up Alone Eating Cat Food

I do this.

I push people away.

If I feel you're too clingy, I get suffocated and I need...space.

I love Gi to death. I do...she's a god friend. She's there when I need her BUT she has to text/talk to me every day.

I understand...we used to work together and see each other everyday but sheesh! Its been 6 months and she's not used to me NOT being there.

Its too much sometimes. She texts, she comments on my fb status no matter what it is! She leaves me wall messages saying "I miss you" and oh em gee! Let a sista breeeaaavvveeee! Lol. I just keep thinking...thank God she's not on twitter.

I understand how men feel with women like her. It becomes like a full time job honestly.

Neediness. *shudders*

I know its all about balance but I feel like everyone wants a piece of me at times. when do I get to just relax without text messages going, e-mails coming in, the phone ringing....

Or maybe I forfeited that when I decided to be a freelancer/entrepreneur.

Or maybe I've never outgrown the habit of being a loner. Me and bff have gone weeks without communication living 15 minutes away from each other. I've been spending a lot more time with her because we both need wingmen when we go out. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other or we're not real friends.

It means we're busy.

Gi needs a hobby. I told her this. She didn't get where I was going really.

Like YW said, we all have things to fill our lives so we don't get lonely.
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self-absorbed

I'm exhausted emotionally right now.

I really need a vacation. Some place with sand and surf.

I need to down fruity drinks with umbrellas in it and just laugh with good company. I've been stressed about my funds lately..so so stressed...

I've been worried about my business. I'm worried about everything.

Keep telling myself it will be okay and it will. Come September, I better have some vacay plans locked down. Or else...lol

Having a Child = Bankruptcy + Never Too Old to Poo on Yourself +Fireworks + Back Issues

This weekend was not reeeaaally the relaxed one I was hoping for. Thursday, I ditched the second job to go galavanting around Brooklyn in search for some oils for my facial scrubs. I got lucky and bought some lime oil which was supposed to be a hint of in my strawberry mojito scrub. I put a little too much of it in there and I wasn't going to waste the batch so I'm trying to figure out a new name...

Friday, I had a business meeting at noon. I'm slated to work with a plus-sized fashion magazine as the beauty editor. I'm excited but scared witless...its a start-up so I'm hoping it will get off the ground.
After that, the rain was touch and go. We were supposed to go to Coney Island but we decided against, opting instead, to go to Checkers and then bowling at Harlem Lanes.

Yay! Checkers, my favorite NJ eatery is downtown Brooklyn. It was delicious. 2 meals $10.

The outside of Harlem Lanes looks iffy but the inside is really nice. We played two games...which I kinda sucked at...I'm rusty.

Okay...let me say this. My godsis is a really good kid. She's 15. She's not boy crazy. She doesn't try to wear anything inappropriate. She's a good egg. But...she has no money. Her mother isn't working. My mom was strapped for cash this weekend. So, the burden was on me. Its so much money that goes into another being. Basic necessities: transportation (Darn you MTA for the $2.25 fare now), food...it was a lot.

Anyway, afterwards, we went to sign the MJ wall at the Apollo...

My friend was having a game night in Newark, NJ and J was supposed to take us but he only had 2 seats and it was 3 of us - me, godsis, and bff. So, we decided to go on an adventure and take the PATH train there. So, we pay our fare and are waiting for the train when J calls me.

"Don't come. Its a bunch of old people. Not your crowd."

We were a wee bit disappointed but we left. My friend L is the only straight male friend I have. He's been with his girlfriend for 2 years. He wanted me to meet her at Junior's downtown Brooklyn. I told him we were leaving Manhattan. He said they were eating at Nathan's at Coney Island. I said okay..we'll give you some time but we dontwant to be waiting for you a long time. We decided to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.

As we're entering the bridge, godsis says that since we spent a lot of money on her that day, she would buy us some ice cream cones. 3 cones $11 (!!!!) I was like hmmm...I'm lactose-intolerant should I risk it? They were like you'll be fine!

It was beautiful. The weather was perfect. I'm usually deathly afraid of heights but it was cool. So..the walk across the bridge took us an hour. As we're about to get off...oh em gee! My stomach starts to cramp up and make goulish noises. I'm scared.

TMI alert. (Skip past this part if you're squeamish.)
So...all I feel is like I'm about to diarrhea on myself and nothing can stop it. I clench my cheeks together and stand really still. My stomach makes a noise like a defeated wounded animal. I was like...great that bought us 90 seconds!

Across from the Brooklyn entrance of the bridge is a diner. We race over there. I'm literally a puddle of sweat. BFF begs the waitress to let me use the bathroom. She's like...sure. If you're a customer. I'm 2 seconds from flinging her my debit card like...go to work. But, godsis and bff go to the counter and buy a water for $2.

I'm in the bathroom for 15 minutes praying every dairy product I've ever eaten is ou of my system and that no one knocks on the door.

I'm good. I leave a godsis looks at me eyes wide, like, do you have any insides left? Lol.

Our feet were hurting. We were exhausted but L my friend still wasn't ready yet. We talked to him at 8pm. It was 9:30. He said he was 10 minutes away. At 9:55 they still weren't there. We left. As godsis and I enter the bus, he calls...

We couldn't wait anymore. He sounded disappointed but oh well.
It was a FULL day.

To be continued...
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Balance + This Weekend

I'm tired.

I want some alone time.

I really just want some QT with my TV, ice cream, and AJAX. Most times, cleaning relaxes me.

But nooooooooo....
I feel like everyone wants a piece of me.

BFF wants to hang out. She's in the house since she lost her job and misses human interaction.

Gi is lonely and wants to hang out.

My godsister wants to go out. She's here from South Carolina.

Its all so MUCH.

This morning my mom called me and asked me for $$ and to help her do something.

I gave it to her and helped her. Then she starts asking about my day. Then she's like, well...it sounds like you have time to help me do this in between.

I got so pissed like...DON'T plan out MY day so I can help YOU.

Can't I have an hour, a day, a morning to myself? Sick of being ON all the time...someone is going to get left out this weekend and it won't be me!
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