*le sigh*

i feel like banging my head against something really hard.
i have a ledger.
i've been monitoring my account.
yet and still i managed to overdraft TWICE this week.
70 freaking dollars
to the bank
that should be in my pocket.

i've been applying to jobs.
no one calls me back.
my resume rocks
i rock interviews.

everyone around me is like...
why are you unemployed?

i want to run away....i want a new apartment. i want a new life.
i feel stuck.
and every time i manage to clear up a little bit of space...
an avalanche comes.

i'm tired of being broke, single and fat.
i'm tired of these problems constantly coming one after the other...
i know its apart of life...

i'm just like WHEN WILL THIS END???

on sunday, pastor said..."this too shall pass" - he wanted us to get it in our spirit because for some of us, this year will be hard. if we don't keep our eyes on God, the enemy will have us thinking we have nothing to live for.

so yes...this too shall pass.....but i'm like....WHEN?
i'm going to focus on the things that i CAN control...like re-budgeting the little money i will have this week, applying for more jobs today than i did yesterday and trying NOT to lose myself to pity and depression.i would much rather sulk and lay in bed with the covers over my head. not today!

i really just don't know how much more i can take.

(no comments, i just wanted to vent)

No Dial Tone

I changed my number today. I really didn't want to do it. I loved my old number. 'Twas really catchy and easy to remember but The Nigerian forced my hand.

I've been getting calls from blocked numbers at random times. 1 time I felt bold and picked up and the "person" hung up. Today, I was fed up! 4 calls starting at 8:30am and ending at 1pm. I'm like...what? Do you really think harassing me will change my mind? Will you annoy me into falling in love with you? I just don't get it and rather than calling him and cursing him out on a Sunday....I decided to change my number. It feels like the end of an era. Some really stupid boys have my number that should lose it anyway...so, its all for the best. I mean, I've only had the same number for 7 years. *sigh*

The entire house is having a mouse problem right now. Mom said she caught 8 baby mice in 1 week. I caught 2 last week and I saw 2 today. I'm sure my neighbor is having one...his house is really cluttered and, well, yea...I HATE rodents. Its driving me crazy! My house has never been cleaner but I have to make sure these rodents don't catch me slippin! I made the mistake of not having a garbage can with a lid. So, until I can get one, I've been taking any throw-away food outside every night. I forgot last night and it was a nightmare. I'm paranoid the mice are going to crawl on me in my sleep. I'm itchy. This is BAD but I know if I even mention an exterminator, I'm going to get my head chewed off.

I like making sure all the dishes are washed before bed and no food is out but HAVING to make sure of it every single night is a pain.

My birthday is in 3 weeks (roughly) and I'm low-key freaking out because I'm poor. I want a dress, shoes, mani-pedi, new wig and possibly a new blush from NARS or lipstick from MAC. Will I get it? No. I'm going to try though. and then, its like...how to celebrate? I'm going to be 25. It should mean something.

I also want to go on a date...no prospects in mind. How do you keep yourself from looking at every good-looking guy with a job as "potential?" I thought about getting myself a chastity ring...as a reminder that I'm saving it for marriage...that takes money and some balls that I don't have right now. No pun intended.

A friend was murdered last week. He was renovating an art gallery when someone came in during the middle of the day and shot him in the head and torso. No one knows why. He was awesome! He used to kick it to BFF really heavy. He was so sweet, funny, smart and nice. At 31, he's gone. Ridiculous!

I'm trying to let go of the thing with BFF. I am. Let's say, I took it the wrong way what she said...let's say, I'm over-analyzing it, blah blah. But, I'm seeing our relationship in a different light. I'm seeing her in a different light and I'm disgusted by what I'm seeing. She's using loving someone as an excuse to stay in a bad situation. My pastor said 2 things that stuck with me. Last week,he said..."Not having control over your desires and emotions, will allow you to be carried off by them." Today, he said, "It is possible to love someone and let them go."
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Dream Dreams

I had the most horrible dream about BFF this morning.

It was near Christmas. The house looked festive outside and in. I went to my mom's part of the house to get the mail. I saw some letters with BFF's handwriting on it. I opened them up and they were BILLS for our friendship. Like...Service: Driving you home at the beginning of the blizzard. $30. Type of thing. Mom came home and I told her and she tried to calm me down. Tears were pouring...the doorbell rings. Its BFF, Punjabi and his family. Mom arranged a Christmas party for them. I start yelling at BFF through my cracked dry throat.

She doesn't really respond.

I say..."Did you give Toni Childs (her other bff) a bill? She really does owe you money!" She says no.

I tell her I'm hurt. I know she needs money for the baby but that I would've gotten everything she needs.

She says she's sorry. She didn't know why she did it. I walk out crying. Mom looks at me. I shake my head.
----
Before that dream...I dreamt that I was a wedding reception at the studio I teach my makeup classes at.

I started out cute and slim in an lbd with a wide belt around my waist. I started eating cake, lasagna, cream balls...I was out of control. My stomach kept getting bigger. Then, all these guys from high school were there. I was trying to be sexy but stomach kept getting bigger.

I started to run but all the studios were connected. I ran into these German guys doing the salsa. Not with each other but learning in the mirror. Then, I ran into the next room where a Jamaican wedding party were dressed like a marching band in red, white and silver. Heavy on the silver. I finally got back to my party. No one really missed me and I was asked to clean up. #UBERFAIL lol

What do you guys think these dreams mean?
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Avec Moi

I am ecstatic my fave bloggers have come back and are blogging again! I have to catch up on EVERYBODY's blog. Will do ASAP.

I told BFF I was really upset about what she said to me. She said I took it the wrong way...she meant those things as a compliment. Her saying that she could never imagine hearing me say I'm in love and am going to get married is because I don't mince words and I don't say things I don't mean...so...
(Yea...whatever)

Twin said..."Don't ever take love advice from BFF. What the eff does she know?! She devalues herself to be in long-term relationships and she probably expects you to do the same."

I'm trying not to be judgmental.

But...he's kinda right.
I'm trying to let it go...I haven't spoken to her since that incident. She'll do what she normally does...wait for me to call/text. Whatevs.

My emotional state is kind of fragile. I feel like part of me doesn't even want to do makeup anymore. I'm tired emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Lexi (ahhh, a new friend - lol) saw me at church today...I was smiling and such but she was like...Nope, something's off. What's wrong?

I told her how I was feeling. She said..."Don't give up makeup. Its your passion! You have so much going on! You want to move, you have 2 businesses, you have this challenge, you want love. I have no idea how you do it! You pour your heart into everything you do. Who is pouring into you?"

I'm going to try and limit contact for the next week with the needy people in my life: BFF, J and Twin. I have no space for them right now.

I realize that I am not happy. I'm going to change that as best I can.
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Sticks n Stones

When I was a chubby little girl growing up in the NYC Public School system, kids used to say mean things to me all the time. When I was in 5th grade, I got hit by a car. I was out of school for a few days. When I got back to school, someone said..."Hey, we weren't worried about you. We were worried about the car. You're so big, you probably dented it really bad."

Things like that...it sticks with you. It never really bothered me what strangers said...rather, the worst hurt comes from people that know you and know you well.

Case and point:
Today, I called BFF as I do every day to check up on her in her delicate condition.

She told me she's nauseous but doesn't throw up and she's been dizzy all day.

She also told me about her friend L who is just like me...she's hard on men...she's a skeptic when it comes to love. If a guy messes up, she writes them off. She has barbed wire around her heart. Anyway, L told her - "I found the one. We are going to get married. I love this man."

BFF said she never imagine hearing those words come from L nor can she imagine hearing those words come from me.

She then says, "Can you ever hear yourself say to me 'BFF, I love this man. He's the one. We're going to get married'?"

I said.."Yes!"

She said she can't wait until she does but she can't picture it.

I said.."I'm speechless." As the tears kind of fell from eyes. I was so hurt.

She said she didn't mean to offend me. She was sorry. She's the direct opposite of me and she still can't get it right...

I changed the subject to food and eating. Then ended the conversation.

There was nothing more to say...
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Struggle

Ughhhhhhhhhh!
I'm so sick of struggling..of watching every dime that comes in and out of my wallet. I'm tired of making one false step...and ca-blooey.

If I were the type of woman that thought tears really helped a situation, I'd be in a puddle right now. Tears don't help...and so I'm on my way to the gym.

Just in case a few do come, I'm not the type of woman that cries in public either.

I feel like I've been cursed with a curse because I haven't paid my tithes in a month. Maybe I deserve this...

Ugh!

Enough! I have 30 minutes of cardio ahead. I have the heaviest feeling on my chest. :/
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Happy New Year and such!

Hey ya'll. I'm alive!

New Year's Eve was really blah. I was ticked off the entire day. Mom called to wake me up to take her to the ER. After waiting from 9am- 2pm, we got home where I still had final cleaning to do, a boat load of laundry, grooming and relaxation.

I took a nap. Cleaned all I could, got the laundry together. Then, all of a sudden, the wheel to my cart broke in half. After, it just broke right off. I was pissed! What I wanted to wear was in that cart!

I went to the store and picked something out. Got my eyebrows done and picked out a new wig before Editor got to my house. Turned out, the shirt I bought didn't fit.

I found something in my closet - Thank God! We were on our way fighting for cabs. It was ridiculous.

We got to the wine bar which was relatively empty except for the many many couples in the place. We ordered a bottle of Riesling and I was feeling good enough to be the only one dancing.

I just wanted to forget all my troubles. A little after midnight, one of Editor's friends came by and she just wouldn't stop talking...she was talking about real stuff too...like careers, God, celibacy...I was like DAMN! Shut up! We wound up at her house at the end of the night. I was over it.

In other news, I started the 111-Day Challenge. It started yesterday. Its so funny. I just started it on a whim and now 51 people have joined with me. Its an amazing feeling to say you want to do something and for people - more than half of them...I don't know - say, I support you. I want to join you. If any of you want to join, the blog for the challenge is www.111days.blogspot.com. Registration ends on the 9th.

In other news, God is amazing. He really is like my father and I am the bratty kid that he has to put in time out.

I'm a little anxious about my birthday...you guys know! Every year, it sucks...I always cry. This is a BIG birthday. I'll be 25. I don't know what I'm going to do yet.

This year, I'm going to be selfish and try not to be guilty about it. I offered to help Gi with her baby shower when she first got pregnant. I've been asking and asking when she wanted to have the shower. She's 7mos right now and she's finally decided to have her baby shower my birthday weekend. I told her I can't plan it. Of all the weekends...that one...after all these months. No. Why would I want to plan your baby shower the weekend of my birthday? When it was her birthday, she said "F U" to everyone and was on a romantic getaway with her boyfriend. I mean...really? Last year on my bday, she didn't even show up to my party. The weekend of Feb. 4th...no one exists but me because every other weekend, its all about everyone else.

There's been a random pain behind my right eye. I'm hoping its just caffeine withdrawal.

I'm a little sad. I got no NYE kiss. I'm hoping there will be a birthday kiss but that's unlikely. I'm just sad and lonely...yuck!
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