long time

it's been a while since i wrote in this space and it seems every time i do, its because of some darkness.
i am sad.
i feel like no one really cares about what's going on with me.
everyone is so consumed with their lives.
going on and on and on

i reach out to my sisters.
they have their own struggles
they don't even ask how i'm doing
they see me as young with a highway of life ahead of me
never ending road.

i told the guy i like in plain english
i am sad and lonely
maybe i should adopt a dog
he said yes, adopt a dog.
no inquiry into why i feel this way.

i am in one of the most populated cities in the world,
and i feel all alone.

pieces

things are not remotely back to normal but i feel myself fighting my way back to some sort of happiness.

i was having...fun with best i ever had and i asked him what he wants in life as far as a relationship goes.
he didn't say it out right but he would be content to be alone for the rest of his life.
he wouldn't mind having more children but he said he wants no relationship of any kind.

i am not content where things are.
i love his body and how he makes me feel but i want more

not with him

but with someone else

i don't want a piece of anyone else anymore.
with claude i got the piece of the relationship where he took me out.
with carlos, i had the piece that was my rock. my listening ear.
with bieh, i have the sex.

i want all of that rolled into one.
which i know isn't very likely but i want to get it as close as possible.

i'm not content to be in a demi-relationship. i want it all.

i was talking to bieh about a friend s. s was a virgin until she was 28.
one night, she met this dude and decided to give it up.
why? because she was just tired of waiting for the right guy.
so, she settled
dude did a hit and run....on a virgin.
emotional trauma x 10000.
i told her....if you could wait..past high school..past the pressure of college...past the pressure of grad school...why that dude? did he deserve it?

no. he didn't.

i feel like that about my next bf.
i feel like that about claude. he didn't deserve all i did for him.things i didn't blog. so, why that dude?
because i got tired of waiting.

like s, i cheated myself.
i don't want to cheat myself again.
waiting sucks though.

i was at bff's house with my mom looking at her new baby and my goddaughter.
bff told my mom to give me 4 years.
my mom said..maybe nina will never have kids.
she's given up hope.

wtf mom?

anyway, i'm tired and  i'm rambling but...
that's where i am.
waiting and hoping for the right guy.
in the meantime, i'm working on myself.

because when that guy comes along, i want to be a whole person
because that's what i want for myself.

i'm tired of picking up broken pieces
shards of a man,
trying to love him.
getting cut in the process.

otra vez

i was talking to panama guy aka carlos about random things...lately, i felt a bit distant from him. he's being a bit ambitious with 2 start up companies and a regular job so i cut him some slack.

if you're unfamiliar: panama guy and i met online in july. at the time he lived in panama but was on his way back to the us. he moved back in late august. we met in september and things were interesting. we expressed mutual interest but failed to make a complete love connection. he blamed the move: looking for a job, the holidays were crazy and then with his start ups he felt it would be unfair to me if we started dating because he wouldnt be able to give me the attention i deserved. we were friendly. blabbermouth me told him the play by play (not everything but most) about claude. i told him i started dating claude because he put me in the friend zone. he said, i never put you in the friend zone. you're amazing. i would love to date you. this a week before nye. once again, he said, if i date you, i want to be the best man i can be for you. i can't do that right now. (yea, melt melt puddle)

cut to nye. he invited me to his house where his mom and sister LOVED me. me and his mom had a loooong talk about death on nye.yep. death. his sister kept saying how much she wanted me to date him and blah blah blah...it was nice. there was another girl there that his sister kept giving the side eye to. i forget her name but what i remember is that she wore a strapless dress, no stockings and high heeled sandals - like 1 strap across her toes. in NYC on NYE when it was 19degrees outside. something about her felt wrong. i asked him who she was...a childhood friend. i let it be.

Happy Birthday to Me

I wonder what the number 11 means.

I got in on 3 scratch offs that I didnt win on.
I gave it to a dollar cab which costs $2 and I gave him a $10 bill and $1, in which he didn't correct me.
Fucker.

I spent my entire birthday in tears. Save for the 2 hours I spent with mom and 3 hours I spent with Best I Ever Had.

To get everyone up to speed. Claude broke up with me via text a week ago
After I went all out for his birthday
And bought him a Christmas gift.

In which I received a limp dick as thank you.
And promise of "something big" as a gift.

He couldn't even pick up the phone.
Or take me out to dinner.

He said. "I've been shitty to you. I know it sounds pathetic but can we be friends?"

I didn't respond.

No one did anything special for me.
Well, my sister sent me $100 gift card for Amazon. That was nice.

But....I don't exactly feel loved.
I don't feel like I'm remotely in a place I want to be.
I'm technically jobless (more on that later).
I have no man.
No kids.
My apartment still sucks enough where I don't invite people over.

Even last year, when I was in Paris, the stranger I was staying with bought me champagne and cheese and caviar.

This year, I had IHOP and that's it. Basically.
Oh and great sex which basically after, I still wanted to go to his bathroom and cry.

2 of my friends didn't even call or message me. That's awesome.

I kept fantasizing about walking in front of a bus.
I keep fantasizing about walking in front of a train for the past 2 weeks.
I don't know what keeps me fighting.

Deep down, I still have hope some
where inside of me.
Things will get  better. It won't always be like this, I keep telling myself.

I don't know how much of this I believe.

another one bites the dust...

i tried to make it  work with claude.

I did.

I have to break things off.

he does nothing for me except buy me meals.  

no sexual satisfaction.
no physical satisfaction
not even the satisfaction of having someone call me on the phone or call me beautiful or anything.

I have a text buddy who takes me out on dates when I insist and lasts 3 minutes in bed.

so, why am I trying to hold on to something that is dead?


i'm so frustrated with life right now. I just don't even know what to do.

i'm not ok.

i've been having some intense insomnia lately.
 more intense than usual, i suppose. like...for the past week, if i don't take tylenol pm or advil pm, i'm going to be up until 6am. easily.

 on the days i dont take the other medicines, i tried to take melatonin. that shit did not work at all. i even took 15mg, more than 5mg dose. at least i was up til 4.

 i was thinking about what could be wrong.
 i think it is anxiety.
 every week, i get my check. i pay bills.
 i am poor.
some weeks it's like groceries or the light bill.

 i feel stuck professionally.
 because i feel like i work super hard but i can't even afford to go to fucking miami for my birthday!
! i can't afford shit.
 and my job is bullshit. not what i do, just the people i work with/for. fuck!

 the thing with claude and i just isnt working for me.
 it is the erectile dysfunction/premature ejaculation but more....
kissing him is gross sometimes. he always wants to lick my tongue with his slimy tongue and it is repulsive.

 he doesn't ask me out.
if i don't say 'hey am i going to see you this week?' we don't see each other
 he never calls me. only texts.
 i haven't seen him since dec. 22nd. his big date...oh, come over and i'll order chinese food.

 on the other hand, he said he might buy me an iphone or a puppy.
 i've been DYING for a puppy.
 but is that enough to stay in this relationship? is it even a relationship?

yes, i've told him..hey, why don't you call me? i always call you.
 yes, i've asked...why don't you ask me out? i always initiate dates.
- i feel like asking, why can't you get it up and keep it up for longer than 3 minutes but that seems mean-
 the answer to the first 2 questions is the same..."well you work crazy hours, so i just take your lead as to when you're available." -__-

 i really dont know what to do.
 part of me is like...this is a rough spot, you'll get through it.
 the other part of me is like...run, bitch, run for your life.
 i need to see: a therapist a dentist a dermatologist in that order

. i just feel like shit and everyday, i have to smile for these fucktards and pretend everything is ok.
 i'm not ok.

i feel like my job is making me hate my own people.
 i feel like i don't really have anyone i can talk to about what is going on. no one has time to really listen and i've gotten so good at painting on a face and lying to everyone that if given the opportunity, it'll take some booze and a few hours for me to tell the truth.

 oh, and i've gained 5lbs of the 20 i lost back and i feel like i'm going to gain all of the weight back because when you don't sleep, you feel really weak.  its not really wise to go to the gym and risk injury.
especially, after working all day.
 and i've been doing some heavy duty emotional eating. i want to be held.comforted.
 something.
 i'm so tired of being strong. ugh. i don't know what's the next chapter in my story.

and its like...nobody really knows the extent of everything i'm going through
and i don't know if its my pride or what but i can't even get the words to really SAY how it is i'm feeling

and so i stay up all night, tossing and turning trying to sleep
but the thoughts just won't stop
until its 6am and im too exhausted to even think.

i'm definitely not ok.

feeling feelings

i've been thinking a lot. being snowed in alone can do that to a person. carlos gives me flutters and makes me want to fall in love with him. i think about breaking up with claude every week. why? i feel like something isnt right and i'm not one to ignore those feelings. what if i'm wrong? my birthday is in exactly 1 month. shit.