How Would I Know?

He messaged me on POF a few weeks ago and in the middle of my whole ooh la la with ATL, I replied. His name is ER.He lives in Queens and is a pastor's kid. He plays drums for his church and he is there almost more than half of the week.

I have no clue when I started feeling like this and it is crazy.
But....after our first conversation, I said to myself - "This is the man I'm going to marry."

I keep telling myself to stop thinking it because it is INSANE. Neither of us are in a position to marry the other. He doesn't want a serious relationship but...there it is. I said it and if a few months from now, it doesn't work out....that's fine.

I wonder why I keep thinking it though.
 The only other person I thought that about was Afroman. I thought it because I sunk years into the relationship. I thought it was right but somehow...deep inside, I know.

This is INSANE or is it Faith?

Anway, we had our first date today. We met at a coffee shop in my hood. I biked there. He clowned me for being on a bike. I sipped an iced chai latte which he called a liquid muffin. It was so delish. We walked around the neighborhood and talked about a whole bunch of stuff.

We started talking about vices. He said that sex was one of his and he keeps falling off the wagon. (I had sex with DK on Thursday - a whole 'nother story) and somehow he got on the conversation about his wife and future kids.

I told him....I'm going to be your wife. He didn't bat an eye. He just said, "Ok." He began talking about names for his future children. Because his name begins with an E, we talked about Ethan, Eve, Ephraim, etc. We both concur that we hate Esther, Estelle and Eric as names. I really like Eve Michelle or Eva  pronounced Ava.

I said, "Since I've appointed myself as your future wife, I will agree that the kids should have E names just because the only cool names that start with the first letter of my name suck...of course, besides my name...and they can't all be named Nina.

I LIKE this guy. I guess that goes without saying.
He's a big guy. He's 6"2 and over 250 lbs. He's funny. He's really big but he's a big softie and I love it. He's super easy-going but I know that I can't walk over him. I dig that.
Anyways...we'll see where this goes. This could be really big or this could blow up in my face.

I want him.

And if  I feel as though he will be my husband, why am I still flirting, sexing and going on dates wit other dudes? Am I playing myself? *kanye shrug*

Either way, I feel like this:

Instant Love

I'm not sure how to begin this post or how to really verbalize what's going on in my life....not because of anything bad but rather because there is so much to say.

A week ago, a Twitter friend tweeted a poll on if he should keep his beard or cut it off. I DM'ed him asking him if that wasn't a question for his honey. He then informed me that he was single. From there, phone numbers were exchanged and texts and phone calls.

I like this man. Even though there are certain points of interest that make me cautious.

1. He graduated high school in 1988. I was born in 1986.

2. He lives in Atlanta.

3. He has the same first name as The Nigerian.

But, ever the analytical person...I've been comparing him to Trini and DK and he's awesome in comparison. Anyway...I'm not going to jump off the deep end with this one. He's coming to NYC in June. If he comes, I've invited myself to see "A Streetcar Named Desire" with him and we'll see where it goes.

 

His moniker.....I'm not that original, so ATL because that's where he's from. Lol

 

Anyways...I was talking on Twitter again with this dope dude and he was saying how women don't understand when a dude they're talking to has a hectic schedule but yet is still trying to make time for them.

I said...women are expected to make concessions and understand when men aren't held to the same standard.

 

He countered with, "Many 20somethings are out there expecting instant love."

 

He floored me with that one. What if that is my problem?

Am I expecting to fall in love in 5 minutes? This generation wants everything right away...

But then I thought about it and I don't want instant love...I just want love without the games.

I have no clue when I became so serious. Sometimes, it scares me how seriously I take things but we only get one chance at life....shouldn't it be?

Eschatology

I feel like I'm growing up.
Slowly but surely, I'm becoming more a functioning adult.

What does that mean?

I'm acknowledging what I want:
-DK went out of town from Wednesday til Sunday. Tuesday night, I text him after all day of not hearing frm him.

Me: Do you ever think about me?
DK: Of course :*
Me: I'd like to hear from you more.

He then, proceeded to not contact me until today. I called him about 3 times during thatg period (5 days) and none of my calls were returned.
I thought about what I want and what I need.

I need attention.
Trini might have sucked in bed but man...if I EVER needed to talk...he was there. He was always on point with the good morning texts or the cutesy little pictures or the random messages in the middle of the day to say he was thinking about me. I'm no hypocrite. I suck at communication. I'm trying to get better but if I love you,. If I like you. You will FEEL that shit.

I am freaking BUSY but I called him. It might have been late in the evening, but so what...I asked him if he was in the conference for 5 days straight and thus, unable to call me back or contact me at all and he gave me some lame ass excuse about being caught up in reports and meetings and yadda yadda.

Bull. Shit.

Well, I think its partial bullshit.
I do think he was caught up. I do think he doesn't value communication. I do think he has shown me this before.

I don't think I can handle it.

I don't know how much more clearer I can make myself with him but we're going to have a face to face conversation about what I need. I'm not going to tell you my whole freakin life via text. If you want to build something with me...call me. Take me out, let's talk. If he or any other man interested in me can't do that...kick rocks bud.

I'm taking care of my finances:
I don't know how I was ever anyone's accountant!
I don't open my mail. I pay whatever I think my bill is...whenever I feel like paying my bills.
I stopped checking my credit score when I realized how depressing that shit is.
Whilst cleaning two days ago, I decided to open my mail.
I then realized, I forgot to pay my gas bill (since I don't use my stove - another story entirely) and I haven't paid the bill in months and they were about to shut my ish off. My student loan has defaulted and they want to garnish my wages. When I had my business, the federal government thought I hired people and so I owe taxes on wages I never paid anyone. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. The list really goes on and on. I owe back taxes from when I was on unemployment and the government didn't take out state taxes (common) and they have a tax lien on my credit report.

I'm not gonna lie.
I had a freaking PANIC ATTACK!

Then I calmed down. I wrote everything I owe down. It hurt. I'm working on a plan to pay everything off as much as I can while living comfortably.

In the past, I'd swear off eating to pay my bills and be on track for a week or two then realize, I like to eat. Then, I'd screw my bills and go shopping and be in more debt and tank my credit even further.

NO MORE. I need to be more responsible.

I'm securing a better future
By trying to figure out what that future is and working towards it.
I do want to be a business owner. I also have a dream of being an English teacher.
Owning a business that failed the first time, I would want to get a degree in that. Being an English teacher, I need a degree in English and certification.

What to do? What to do?

If  I stay on track with my bills, I can enroll in school in November with no problem. I need to figure out the best path and what options I'm going to take and also, where I will be living....(a whole 'nother 'nother story)

In short, I'm trying to get my act together.
It's not easy but I'm happy with my progress. We all have to start somewhere.

How Ye Doin?

I'm sad.
I don't really feel as if my life has any meaning.
I'm lonely and trying to get close to people makes me feel lonelier.
I'm not sure what my purpose in life is and most of my time is spent wandering around.
I hate my job.
I don't like this city I live in and I feel lost.
All the time...I feel so lost but I look good so...everyone thinks I have it together.
Mostly, I need to be held.
I need someone to love on me for a good long time and tell me it will all be alright.

In the meantime, I'm just surviving.

Darling Clementine

And so....we ordered food and walked to his apartment as the night was warm and inviting. We laid on his bed (no other furniture) as he looked for something to watch. He turned to me with a "look" in his eye and kissed me deeply.
"Is this the part where you jump me?"
"Yes ma'am," he said as he unbuttoned my pants. He slid down myself underwear and said, "Yess!" I laughed and then gasped as he spoke to my other lips for as long as I wanted him to. I pushed his head and body up and kissed him. 
 
I pushed myself on top of him and returned the favor. I found his sweet spot and he grabbed me and pushed me down on the bed and went down on me again. I stopped him early and said rather sexily...."I want penetration."
He laughed placing 2 fingers inside me.
"Damn! You're tight and wet," he said.
"Yup and I don't want fingers."
"Oh, you want this dick?"
I licked my lips.
We'd had the condom conversation a while back so it wasn't awkward.
When he entered me....oh my gosh! I suspect sex feels good for men since they're always in pursuit of it but I can't really understand how it feels for them.  For me, it is like a deep tickle or tingle. I also get off on squeezing it and getting my man off. We had sex twice. The second time, it was so good ....so passionate, I found myself squeezing him tighter and tighter and not letting go. I apologized because it wasn't fair....LOL. I practice kegels at work when I'm bored...ha! He came so hard. He didn't really hear my apology.
So....his roommate's sister has a daycare in their place and he didn't want me to do the walk of shame in front of toddlers. But his roommate said it should be OK. He had to work at 7:30 am which meant we had to leave at 6:45 the latest.
At 2am, we were still up watching The Walking Dead. (Don't ask) I wanted to sleep but he couldn't. I'm a light sleeper. I can't sleep unless its total silence and darkness.
Around 3, he knocked out and so did I. When his alarm clock woke us up at 6:30 and he begged for more sleep, I laughed.  Tired or not, when I'm up....I'm up.
And so, he fell back in a deep sleep while I looked out the morning window listening to the sounds of the street.
At 7am, we rushed out the house.
I stared at him in the elevator - his small slanted eyes...slightly smaller than mine....his full lips that feel like pillows when he kisses me. His broad shoulders and the way he walks....they turn me on. He's so proud and strong yet gentle. 
I thought about those eyes again and I said to myself...."Man, if we have kids, between the two of us, they may not be able to see."- of course, in a non-tragic way. I giggled a little. He opened his eyes.
"How is it that you look so fresh? Did you secretly get 8 hours of sleep?"
"I'm pretending."
As we walked, he talked about his day and why he had to be up so early. He's a computer engineer and they're expecting a shipment of parts that they have to work on.
Me: Why couldn't you sleep last night? I'm offended. I was doing my best to put you to bed.
Him: No, you killed me. I don't know how I'm going to get through the day. I fell asleep for a second but I had to stay up because my roommate didn't have his keys.  I slept all day and so my body definitely wanted to sleep but my mind was just up. You did a good job. *pats me on the back*
Me: Smh. Lol.
I wanted to hold his hand.
In that moment, I said..."Shit. I like him. I want to be his girlfriend and I don't want to fuck this up."
He swiped his MetroCard to put me on the train and held out his arms to hug and kiss me.
"Have a great day Nina."
"You too DK."
I smiled as the train came....I had a long day ahead.

Buh-Bye Pt 2 (Finally!)

He answers it. (!!!)
He agrees to let his cousins come over. (!!!!!)
They do and bring food. He then proceeds to have a loud ass conversation with them about random dumb shit.
I feel uneasy about it.
I leave.

I proceed to curse him out via text.
He doesn't know why I'm upset.

Firstly, we just had wack ass sex and then you smoke a joint, fall asleep in another room and then let your cousins come over. I'm supposed to feel secure in a house by myself with 4 dudes, 3 of whom I couldn't pick out of a lineup. Right.

I tell him I don't want to see him anymore.

The next day, he texted me 'Good Morning.' I replied with the same.

I went to brunch with my friend JG and I tell him the whole story. He's like why the fuck did you text him some pleasantries. You should cursed him out again. He's probably thinkin you're not serious.
So, I emailed him why I don't want to see him anymore.

The first of which was that he somehow tricked some woman into marrying him although he doesn't eat pussy and that is a deal-breaker for me. Then, his erectile dysfunction. And lastly...the wack shit of having a spontaneous party after that wack ass sex.

I told him....
"If we are supposed to have a strictly sexual relationship and the sex is far from satisfying, what's the point?"

After this whole diatribe from me ..this fool says..."You don't have the right to tell me who can come to my house and when. We never had a relationship. We had a friendship."

A friendship is not a type of relationship.

Which proves he's a fucking idiot and he never shoul have gotten the panties.

Ugh!

stress-induced

i can't even formulate words in a sentence to make myself sound intelligent.

i'm stressed out.
and angry.
frustrated.
tired.

and i don't know why but i'm unhappy.

and i think its my job.