I Used to be Fat

Hey Guys!

Quick Update
Yes, Punjabi is named that because he is Guyanese Indian. He does not relate to being black (*rolls eyes*) but relates to being Indian. Whatever.
BFF is keeping the baby because Punjabi knocked her up before. She had an abortion. She vowed never to do it again. She also vowed to wear condoms...and that he wouldn't knock her up again...
Christmas was great! I was convinced I wasn't getting anything but mom showed up on Christmas morning with a new laptop. It is GORGEOUS and nothing is allowed in its presence that is all over my old laptop (i.e. makeup, food, etc.)

Speaking of food...MTV has a new docu-series called, I Used to be Fat.
I was watching it and it is really good. Basically, these kids have graduated high school and they have the summer between high school and college to lose the weight that they feel have held them back. It was super emotional. This girl lost 90 pounds in 111 days. I want that to be me. I am 253 lbs at 5"2. I am a size 18. I've never been small. I've never NOT worn a dress size that wasn't in the double digits. In junior high, my breasts were 34A. For me, its not really the weight as much as it is the body image and wanting to be healthy as kidney disease has torn/is tearing my family to pieces. All year, I've wanted another tattoo but couldn't think of a cute place to put it. I want a tiny little tatt but tiny doesn't really match my body type.

Starting Jan 2, I want to change. A lot of women my size blame food. My problem is not that I over-eat. I eat once a day. That meal is usually not that substantial and not all that healthy either. My metabolism is hella dormant. I need someone to be accountable to...I need someone to make me eat 3 times a day plus snacks. It is so hard to eat that much....maybe because when I was a kid...I had the hugest crush on my brother's best friend. He used to tease me constantly by calling me the Cheeseburglar...thanks McDonald's for your classy rendition of the Hamburglar! (Old school McDonalds...lol) Anyway, he'd be like...how many cheeseburgers did you eat today? *insert the ugliest things you can say about someone's weight/eating habits here*

Yikes! Just typing that made me remember his voice saying those things.

My doctor told me that the first step in kicking a lot of my weight is the soda. I am addicted to Pepsi. During the recent blizzard in NYC, I was without Pepsi for 2 days...I was thinking about it constantly. It was like a REAL addiction. I think I'm pretty active but today, I spent the day runing errands with my little cousin (he's 11) and by the time I got home, I was DONE.

I definitely need to get my head together and get the weight off. I know I will go hard in January because my 25th birthday is in February...the 4th to be exact. Right now, the way I feel about my body...it will be hard to get me in that much-desired freak 'em dress..


*le sigh*

Wowzers

BFF is knocked up. Yes, again. by Punjabi. She told herself she would never get another abortion and so she's going to have the baby. I used to think having a baby before finishing high school was the worst thing ever. I now know different. All I can do is shake my head. BFF says she has some demands she's going to place on Punjabi, namely she has to be # 1. Note, she didn't say "Leave your common law wife." Its just like *sigh*...this dude will never be out of the picture now.
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Mr. Number

So, I blocked The Nigerian's number 2 months ago. He realized it 3 weeks ago and sent me a text thanking me for blocking his number although he still called at least twice a week since. (The Mr. Number Block App tells you each time a blocked number calls you)

Yesterday, he called me twice and then a number I didn't know called. I knew it was him and didn't pick up. He waited til later and called again from the number I didn't know as I was coming home from a mixer. Thinking it was a potential client, I picked up.
I was direct.

Me: What do you want?
TN: I want to apologize for how I treated you. I put you through a lot and I'm sorry. I really fucked up with you. I don't apologize to anyone but I apologize to you.

I thanked him for his apology and said "Goodnight."

TN: Don't be so emotional. Why do you hate me so much? I want you to forgive me.
Me: I don't hate you. I choose not to feel anything for you. I accept your apology. I'll work on forgiving you. Forgiveness takes time. Its not like..oh you apologize and I forgive you. Boom. No!

He said he understood.

Me: *sigh* Ok, so why are you really calling?
TN: Like I said, I'm sorry for what I did. I'm really lonely. I miss you. I want to see you.
Me: I wish loneliness on no one. I'm sorry you're feeling it but I don't want to see you.
TN: Are you with anyone?
Me: Yes, I'm dating a few people (LIES! Lol)
TN: Oh good. You deserve a good guy.
Me: I know.
TN: Do you miss me?
Me: No.
TN: Do you have any feelings for me at all?
Me: No. Not at all.
*awkward silence*
TN: You blocked my number.
Me: Yes, I did.
TN: Why?
Me: Because I don't really want to talk to you.
TN: Why are you so cold-hearted?
Me: I took a page from your book.
*awkward silence*
Me: What number are you calling from?
TN: Why, you going to block this number too?
Me: Don't be a smart-ass. Its rude.
*awkward silence*
TN: Can I come over to your house and see you?
Me: No, its 10:30 at night. Plus, I don't want to see you. I should go, Goodnight.
TN: Don't be so emotional.
Me: *laughs* I'm not emotional at all. There's really nothing else to say.
TN: I felt when we were together you were trying to put pressure on me to open up. Always asking "who am I to you?"
Me: I wasn't always asking. I wanted to know where I stood with you.
TN: I could have seen you as my girlfriend. I didn't want to put it all over FB and it doesn't work out.
Me: That's not what I asked you to do. I asked you a simple question: were you seeing other people - yes or no? I asked you what you wanted. You chose to play mind games and not be direct and honest with me. I didn't want anything major from you except the truth but I guess you couldn't give me that.
TN: You think all I wanted was to fuck.
Me: Yes, exactly.
TN: You still don't understand me. Me: How can you understand someone who doesn't let you in or even give you a straight answer?
*awkward silence*
Me: So, yea, I'm going to go...
TN: No! I want to see you.
Me: *sigh*
TN: Why can't I see you?
Me: You had 3 chances to get it right. You didn't. Why would I go backwards?
TN: What do you mean? 3 chances?

I started to explain but didn't want to get into it.

TN: So, can I see you?
Me: The only day I have available is Sunday.
TN: Sunday evening?
Me: You say you want to date me. What if I said no sex? What would you say?
TN: I still say I'm a sexual being and I need to have sex with the person I'm dating.
Me: Hmm...whatever.
TN: Can I still see you?
Me: I guess. You can take me out to dinner.
TN: No, I want to come to your house and cook for you.
Me: No. I'm not coming to your house. You're not coming to my house. If you want to see me, it will be at a restaurant somewhere.
TN: I want to cook for you.
Me: No. I told you my terms, take it or leave it.
TN: Oh, take it or leave it?
Me: Yes.
TN: I leave it then.
Me: Ok, goodnight.
*hang up*

He calls back 15 minutes later. I don't answer. I know him. He would try and talk his way into doing what he wants anyway and I don't have the time or the Job-like patience.

Editor says he's pathetic to tell me he's lonely. She says he's extra crazy and I should never talk to him again.

Well, I was trying! Blocking his number didn't work, right?

BFF said he's stupid. If he didn't let his pride get in the way, he would say.."Ok, I'll take you to dinner." He would be a gentleman and walk you home to your door and then if he was nice, you could invite him up for drink or coffee or tea but NO! He has to have things his way and doesn't know how to play the game. She also said he's extra crazy and I need to get a restraining order.

I agreed with everything but the restraining order. I don't think I have enough to warrant that. I don't want him in my home. They say most women are killed in their own homes by people they know. No thank you! Also, I've been date-raped once by him...I'm not trying to go 2 for 2.

I am going to work on forgiveness though. I think I've already forgiven. I have to dig deep because I'm very passive-aggressive and there are things exes have done in the past, like 7 years ago that I still struggle with.
TN is not the one! I am sorry he's lonely though. I'm lonely too but I'm filling my time with work and constructive things not searching for dudes I mucked over begging them to come back.

JFK said, "Forgive all your enemies just never forget their names."

I couldn't forget him if I tried. I just wish he'd go away.
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Blush Wine

If face tattoos weren't freaky and insane to do, I'd get a teardrop tatted on my face. This year, I've cried more than I ever have since I learned to walk. I'm tired. It is a deep tired that no amount of sleep can really cure. I feel like a loser.
I apply and apply for jobs and no one calls me back. I change my resume. I change my cover letter. Nothing works. I grind and grind for work and it doesn't work out. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm lonely. I'm sad and I just really put on a happy face or I just live in denial, focusing on other things. All it is, is just something to re-direct my focus from wanting to bang my head against the wall.

Keri Russell had this line in the movie, Waitress where she's talking to her unborn daughter. She goes, "Dear Baby, I hope someone holds you for 20 minutes straight, not saying a word and not expecting you to say anything. They just hold you and let you know that somebody out there loves you no matter what." (I'm paraphrasing)

But yea...that's what I want for myself. I'm sick of being strong.
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Rude

Mom has a problem with me going to coffee shops to work. I don't know why. It started last week. She asked me where I was going in the middle of the day. I told her...to a coffee shop. "Why? What are you doing?" Me: "Working, looking for jobs, etc. They have free wifi, nice environment." Mom: "There's free wifi here." Me: "I get to get out of the house. I'm more productive." She made a face. Me: "What's the problem with going to coffee shops?"

She dropped it.
I was still pissed about our last conversation with the carpet. I was at a coffee shop looking for jobs yesterday, feeling a little bleak. She called me a few times. I figured I might as well answer.

I recognized her tone instantly. Its the tone she uses when she's trying to be cute.

Mom: Hello. How are you?
Me: I'm fine and you?
Mom: I'm fine. Where are you?
Me: At a coffee shop.
Mom: What are you doing there?
Me: The same thing I'd be doing at home.
Mom: I don't know what you do at home because I work all day.
Me: *hangs up the phone*
She calls back
Me: Yes?
Mom: Let that be the last time you hang up the phone on me
Me: Ok
Mom: Who do you think you are?
Me: *silence*
Mom: Hello?
Me: Yes
Mom: Who do you think you are?
Me: Tell me what you want to hear. What is the appropiate response to that question?
She hangs up the phone.

I was really fed up and tired. I'm tired every way a person can be tired. The more mature way to handle it would've required patience to say...you don't get to beat up on me. You don't get to make me feel like shit all the time but I was really spent. I feel bad for the approach but not really. Her feelings need to be hurt a little...for once.

I always go back to "Honor thy father and thy mother." and then "Parents do not provoke thy children to anger lest they be discouraged."
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Weekend Tales

Friday, BFF came over to help me take up the carpet in my living room. I think I've developed an allergy to it. She took up a square of the carpet and we looked at the floor underneath which is basically bare bones floorboard. This means, either I need a new carpet or I need to finish the floor. Both options eat into my travel budget. :/

Call mom. Tell her I need to take up the carpet because its bothering my allergies. She says...why would allergies just pop up. You're not taking up the carpet, end of discussion and she hung up on me. (Much more to this story but another time)

Friday night, Twin asked me and BFF to help him move. He said he didn't have a lot of stuff and that it would probably take one trip in a van. We would show up at 6 and be home by 10. We showed up at 5:30 and OMG! He had 10 tubs and at least 20 bags of clothes and shoes. He had 3 bookshelves of books, and thousands of dollars worth of magazines in bundles...it was 2 U-Hauls worth of stuff for 1 person! He lives on the 6th floor. The elevator in his old building only went to the 5th floor and we had to walk up a flight. The place he's moving to had 2 flights of stairs It took at least 2 hrs to load the stuff in the truck, 2 hrs to drive to his new apartment. The first trip, we had 6 people. The second trip, it was just me, Twin and BFF. At the end of it all, BFF ended up paying for the U-Haul because Twin's card declined. Yikes! I ended up getting home at 10am. Showered and got my stuff together for my makeup class which was great! What was even better was...I got to meet Jaded in the flesh!

She's so cute and little and I just wanna hug her! :)
We ate at some random but pretty burger joint in the city. I ordered eggs (who orders eggs at a burger spot?) because as soon as I got home, head was going to hit the pillow and I didn't want to be digesting.

Jaded was with another blogger whom I don't think liked me very much. *kanye shrug*

Anyways, Jaded is amazing and I could totally be her friend in real life and such. So, win!

Sunday, I woke up stiff and melancholy. My arms, knees and ankles were sore. My heels were stiff. I couldn't understand why I was so sad. (Then, I got my period and it all made sense)

I decided to go and do something. I got up and took myself to Checkers and to see Love and Other Drugs. Great movie! I got to see a lot of Anne Hathaway's breasts which was umm...surprising and umm...nice? Lol, I'm so silly with nudity. That movie was really like..Ok, I get it. Jake Gyllenhal is hot. He really is..his blue eyes are like...wow. The movie picked me up a bit and then crashed me down because by the time I got home, I was like...I want to be in love!

Friday afternoon, that's what I told BFF...I said.."My big secret is that I want to be in that all-encompassing, swallow-you-whole, Jonah and the Whale, can't breathe without you, you are so perfect love." She just looked at me. (People's reactions are lame)

I got home and looked at Afroman's Facebook. He has tons of pictures of his son. The son he has with the woman he left me for...who is so adorable. I looked at his Twitter and then searched through my old email for g-chats with him. I found one where I told him I wanted to start my own business and I lost it. I started sobbing like a maniac to the point where at times I was hyperventilating. I don't understand how he doesn't love me anymore or how he does love me and doesn't even care about how I'm doing. He and his family will be here in Brooklyn for Christmas and I won't see him. Our last communication was the end of December last year...*le sigh*

I looked at pictures of him and was like...he's not even that cute! Why am I trippin?

I spent 6 years with this person, 2 of them in a pseudo-relationship with. I loved him. I told him everything. He chose someone else over me twice. He cut me deep.

Enough of that.
Its a new week. Another week of me figuring out how to be a productive human being.
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Diana Prince vs. Wonder Woman

The Plan:
Bermuda - 3 months
London - 3 months
New York - school to be a teacher

That means:
I'm juggling my business, freelance makeup, the magazine, looking for jobs in NY and Bermuda. Also, friends and family and a tiny piece of a social life.

I need to perfect "no." The stress is relieved by incessant list-making which adds more stress when I realize what I need to do. I've also decided to clean my house top to bottom...no clutter will be ignored which means my bedroom looks like Hiroshima.

I haven't told my doting my mother my plan. I want to make sure I have all my ducks in a row (shelter, job, work permit for Bermuda, school papers, financial aid) before I tell her.

Oh yea, I want to move in February.

And money is still an issue but won't it always be?

This renewed purpose came from a friend who called me out. I told him about 3 dreams I had. (Only part of the conversation was saved by BBM :/):
1. I was driving a car. A man had given it to me. It was torquoise. All of a sudden the air bag came out and something was wrong with my vision.‎​I pulled over and it was like I was in the woods.A girl I know from my (other) blog drove by and helped me figure out how to drive the car. I took it back to the man. He said he wouldn't fix it. Then, I went to drive it home and then it felt like I was in a maze. Every turn led to another turn or a wall. ‎​I got so frustrated.

He said: You're feeling VERY confused in your life. ‎​And at any moment something can go wrong and the ppl who can fix it won't. ‎​They leave u out to dry. But you're not alone. Some people are there for you and give your strength...even if they aren't the antidote.

2. I was back in the 50s in a school setting. All I remember was there was a lot of racism.‎​Then, I realized that we were in a glass case and there were people watching in the darkness but I couldn't see them. I went crazy and was trying to break the glass surrounding me with chairs. But it wouldn't break.

He said:You're feeling oppressed. That's actually a constant in your dreams.You feel like you need to fight your way out of this position. But wonder if you can do it. ‎​Your not believing in yourself miss homie. ‎​But you know you need a breakthrough.

He was right. I told him I felt depleted.

He asked:
‎​When was the last time you felt on top of the world?
‎​What book were u reading?
What were you doing?
Who did you hang with?
Retrace your steps. Go back to go forward.
I believe in you.

He pulled my card. More like, yanked it from me and put it in my face. I was grateful. I need friends like that. I appreciate him.

I came up with a plan.

Today, I felt like I over-extended myself. My BBM status said, "I'm only human."

He said, "Thought you were Wonder Woman."

I said, "Nope. Just Diana Prince."

:)
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People

I often don't understand the asinine things people do. Is it for attention? Are people really stupid? Are they just not taught?

Something that really bothered me the other day.

I was on the train. This lady gets up and starts blubbering about God.

No one likes these "mobile evangelists" and this lady was just inarticulate. Some people could say she was nervous. I sometimes become inarticulate when I'm on the spot and don't know what to say...but this was a whole 'nother level!

Someone asked her, "How do I get to know Jesus?" She sputtered and said, "Ask your Pastor. Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Light. He's the Lily of the Valley. The Bright and Mo'ning Star!" Basically, the euphemisms we've been taught since Sunday School which don't mean much if you're going through a situation...yes?

I was sooooo pissed! THAT is why people don't trust Christians...half the time, we don't even know what we're talking about.

I had to get off the train just as she was saying that. I would've answered his question. I felt bad.

Dudes..I just don't get them either. Why say things in the street like.."Thick girl!" "Big girl!" and walk away? Clearly, you're not trying to talk to me...you just want to say something. It irks me.

Maybe because I'm a person of few words...I usually speak when necessary. So, people who just talk bother me...

I'm just venting.
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