humpty dumpty

i want to love
like a woman unbroken
as the wind beats at my back
i am on my knees and i can not stand
i wish i never felt the bitter tears on my lips
streaked upon my pillow
my heart in pieces
jagged and torn
the edges of it bleeding
threatening never to be whole again

give me back the part of me you took when you left

the little girl that thought that love conquered all
but love is in the corner of the ring
with a black eye waiting for that knock out punch

and i
have nothing left to give

when will my smile
be something more than
plastic perfection?
rehearsed movements my face automatically contorts itself to
to reassure you that

i'm alright.
doing just fine
moving on in time

i want to be loved
by a man unafraid
to look me in the eye and tell me our truth

i'm afraid

kiss

i want to be kissed
soft and sweet
like a feather
delicate
like a woman
a lady
a precious gift i hold in the
palm of my
betwixt my legs crossed
pumps on
fishnets thigh highs
your hands run up
my
....

i want to be kissed
like the statue of liberty
kissed
give me your hungry your tired
all of you
until your lips meet mine in the silence of my reverie

i ponder you
when no one is around to stop me
in my secret chamber
i
just
want to be

admired
desired
loved

kiss me
lips neck fngertips breasts
kiss me

until lips become sore
and tongues want to explore
like hands and eyes
roam my fruited plain

kiss me
until words become a blur
and eyes are closed
until there is nothing else that matters
except for my lips and yours.

meat grinder

I have never really known the meaning of the word, 'no.' I know what you're thinking...I must be spoiled or have always gotten my way but, I always saw 'no' as a detour to 'yes' and pretty much everything I've ever done in my that started with 'no' ended in 'yes' some way or another.

Because, I'm fucking determined.

The previous posts...that poetry was inspired by DK. For a short while, I thought we would get back together and that we were going to be okay. Obviously, I was wrong.

Suddenly. my phone calls and texts are unreturned. It's like he fell off the planet.
At first, I was worried....something must've happened! He must be hurt or dead or deported. Surely, he wouldn't just be ignoring me. Then it set in that that's precisely what he was doing.

I feel hurt, stupid, angry but most of all, I feel an overwhelming sadness that seeps out of me and surrounds me like a blue aura that everyone sees and I have no explanation for it. Not a rational one that I could explain to people.

How can I feel something for someone who treats me this way?

I've been snappy and bitchy at work. I'm a wreck.

Most of all, I feel so alone.

I don't have many friends. My call log will tell you that I have 3 people that I call consistently. I hear that as you get older, that number shrinks and shrinks and I think about dying alone. Morbidity aside, I wanted DK. From the moment we hugged goodbye after our first date, I wanted him and I let my guard down. I over-extended myself and went out of my way. I gave him my body and my heart and I felt like he wanted to give his heart to me but just wouldn't. Whatever his reasons, it doesn't matter, the end result is the same. My heart is broken.

Wynsters said I have to be the one to make the decision to stay or walk away and it just felt like deja vu. I broke one of my cardinal rules: Never go back to someone you've already walked away from. But I did because it was easy and because I thought I loved him.

Truth is, that last statement "thought I loved him" shouldn't be in past tense but since love is a verb, I have to stop loving him....

I feel like the choice to stop doing so makes me feel like my heart is being ripped from me and being sent through a meat grinder.

  This picture was on PostSecret this week and when I saw it, I wanted to cry because that's essentially what I want.

SO, this is the first no I will accept, delete the person from my memory bank and move on. Because a no from him is not a NO to my happy ending. And GOTDAMMIT, I will have my happy fucking ending.

IN other news, the book is out on most platforms. The official release date is November 10th...that's the date I hope it's out on ALL platforms...right now..Amazon, Kindle and Nook have picked it up. I'm hella excited.

Anyways...gotta go...Hurricane Sandy is threatening NYC with some major damage....we'll see how that works out.

poetry?

i have no idea where this poetry came from.
when i clicked on compose new post, i thought it would be a story or something but these words just kind of flowed from me.
i didn't re-read it so i apologize if it sucks....i guess i had some things that i needed to express.

i briefly dated someone who was good on paper....he's a producer. he's young and successful and soon, he will be very rich. i know this like i know my last name. he's also very narcisstic and thinks the world revolves around him.

i stopped returning his phone calls because i didn't like the way he saw me.
it's hard for me to like a man romantically. he has to be smart, funny, ambitious, well-spoken, well-dressed and most importantly, i want to be adored.

he was so critical of everything i said and did. he made me feel like i was only good enough to be a trophy.

i hate that feeling.
it reminds me of when i was with those older men and they just wanted my youth to pop out some babies and right the wrongs they did in their 20s and 30s.

i have no idea how a relationship is supposed to work anymore.
but i want one.

does that make any sense at all?

goodbye my friend

fear no longer follows me in the night when dreams are missing
like your arms around me.
i miss you.

my heart is no longer whole and i reminisce on days when you held it in tact
in the palm of your hand
and i was so eager to lap at the fountain of you

i wanted to be your everything
and you
wanted nothing from me

i never wanted a 1-sided love
i wrote books of poems for you

always wanting
wishing
hoping love would be enough
i would be enough
until i had enough

you ruined my perception of what love
is
was
and what could ever be i

gambled myself on you
and lost

and i

relish the days my heart was whole.
without these cracks
and places where the pieces never fit together again
there are holes where plaster can not fill
the voids
where men who were boys
and boys trying to be men
ripped apart pieces of me
and left me

wanting
everwanting more

from the next
wishing the were
what the last could never
i should never have given you

all of me

what else could i expect
of girlhood love wanting it be real
hoping that
it would be different

there are rooms in my heart being renovated
space being made for others but your room is always filled
the dresser still has your clothes
and no matter how many eviction notices are posted
you live inside of me

and i just want to be free
but i can't.

and you
you've moved on
and i am still here
with the remnants of the girl i used to be
molded into a woman struggling
against the bitter cold

it is always winter in this drafty heart

no more love songs

i no longer wish for love songs
to listen to the singer posterize their feelings for another
i want to feel it for myself

i long for you
your touch
your kiss

don't want to hear no love song
i want to feel your body on mine.

i want to beat to your rhythm
the cascading harmonic piano keys
as your fingers glide over me

let me be your bravado
your mezzo soprano
the high note and the low guttural sound that emanates from the deep belly parts

i want to be the melody of your words as
you seranade me with kisses
tickle me with your tongue as your hit the bridge
to the chorus of my moans
fill me with your horn section
boom boom boom

until we fade away.

untitled

I can feel my fingertips on his cool skin
smooth like ivory,
 his ebony skin is like butter.
Cocoa rich brown.
He is dinner and dessert and I eat heartily.
 Good to the last drop
 i remember
his lips like pillows
 I dream him.
 Don't want to wake up
 I breathe him.
I see him in my mind's eye
wide open.
I have run in circles.
 Away from him running into
his arms.
he lets me.
 lost in love's lustful liason
 with hearts hurt and healing.
 I want to save him from myself.
 I long for arms to hold me.
 Long for pillow soft kisses
belying legs tangled. hands roaming. fingers laced. breath on my neck and we become...
I am ready to cast of my shrouds of mourning and thrust myself into
morning...

I am ready for love.