Snapshot: Reminisce on Conversation w/Brother Wise

The smile on my face could light up Times Square as I basked in the sunshine of our conversation. That was the feeling I was missing. Liking someone.

Why is it that we could speak so freely in this space five years too late telling each other about love, lust, and desire? In our innocent cocoon of the internet, we came together.

Is it possible that we could utter those words to each other in the stillness of the night because the chances of us acting on them is slim to none? He makes me remember I'm a lady. He makes me feel precious, beautiful - shiny and new. The intensity of what I feel for him awakens in me a song of which the words I thought I'd forgotten.

How curious is it to want someone you can't have with the fervence I have for him yet not have an inkling of frustration out of not being able to attain it. This. Him and me.

"Why not?" she asked me. "Sometimes, love is not enough."
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Snapshot: Lovers on the Train

I saw them, bodies intertwined tastefully as the tin can shook us as it transported us to our respective destinations. The look of love on their faces was undeniable. The happiness like a shroud over them, protecting them from the cold. The city's frigid nights were creeping upon us. Sometimes, they were frightening to face alone. They feared not. They had each other.

I sat in the corner watching them with part admiration, part bitterness enveloping me as I pulled my fuschia turtleneck over my neck and sneezed. No one wished me God's blessings.

He was so into her. She knew it as he watched her cross her legs. He placed an assured hand on her knee. She was his. She smiled at him as she spoke. There's something about the confidence of a woman in the presence of a man who desires her. Her head never bows, her eyes never look down unless in faux abashment.

I watched them from my corner seat of the train as the Autumn chill whirled around my head pretending I did not see. I pretended to not remember being there in the place in which they resided. I pretended to not wish for that again.

In the moment though, I saw them and they saw nothing else - no one else but each other.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

I Want You

Yes, it is 5:30am

I've spent the last 3 hours in crazy conversations with myself and others.

At 2, I realized sleep wasn't coming and so, I hopped out of bed with the intention of getting some market research done.

It started with Sparrow. He's a friend from Junior High. He's a singer now and he hit me up on FB. I started listening to his youtube videos. He's soooo good!

Then Brother Wise hit me up...oh man oh man.

Brother Wise.
Brief background.
Had a major thing for him in college. We almost slept together one night. (No condom. No nookie.) As I slept, he watched me. (Creepy but cute.) The next day, he didn't speak to me. He felt like he almost violated me and that I was too precious for that. (No, he's not gay) He said that I'm younger than his younger brother and that was effing with him plus he was trying not to fornicate. (He's really spiritual). »FFWD» We kept in touch. His girlfriend committed suicide. He was sooooooo broken up over that. »FFWD» He became a teacher. He met someone. They had a child together. They broke up. Drama. »FFWD» I told him I loved him in a hear-wrenching convo 2 years ago. He loves me back but STILL doesn't want to go there. »FFWD» We still keep in touch but dance around the "I love you" thing.

We talked about everything. About this generation of boys in skinny jeans, music, masculinity, his son break dancing and saying imagination as " jin ban tation", slavery, everything...

Somehow (!!) we started talking about celibacy. Mine. He said he was celibate a few years ago but it didn't work. Clearly because he has a child after he ended his celibacy. (smh) I said that I've reverted back to basic means of affection and that I want to hold hands, hug, cuddle. He said he loves doing those things. Girls don't seem to appreciate them anymore, he said. I remember. I told him I would go visit him in CT to hold hands. I meant to say cuddle but the convo kept flowing. I corrected myself and he was like "oh." Then he said..........

BW: I don't think I can handle that.
Me: What?
BW: Cuddling. I can hold your hand. I can hug you. I can't cuddle with you.
Me: Why not? I'm harmless. I'm a bunny rabbit.
BW: Think about what you just said. That's why not.

(Hump like rabbits...get it)

Me: Oh. I meant bunny rabbit as in cute and cuddly.
BW: You are cute. Cuddly idk
Me: :-o
BW: No offense, when I think cuddly, I think pillows, blankets...things made out of cotton not ebony skin
Me: That's ironic. When I think of cotton, I think of ebony skin. Bad joke. Sorry

»FFWD»

BW: I'm intimidated by you.
Me: (in my head I'm like :-O)
BW: But, I'm not a pussy. I'm not gay. I just know being next to you like that....
Me: No. I know you're no punk. I think it takes a mature man to know his boundaries. In the back of my mind, I'm still like...I want to cuddle.
BW: Yea Young Jones...

»FFWD»
Me: You make me :), lol
BW: Yea, you make me l-o-l smiley face, too
Me: hahahahaha
BW: You're a cute sexy chocolate delicious angry bunny (the angry was because I told him I was going to teleport and kick his butt about something he said..I was like uh oh, I'm an angry bunny now, lol)
Me: Aren't you a charmer?
BW: Thank you for giving me a reason to be charming.
Me: I just realized, I don't think I can handle cuddling either.
(I shouldve pulled out at 3 letter sentence...but I didn't. "I want you." I think those are the sexiest 3 words you can say to any human being. Oh man!)

Why do I have the overwhelming urge to book a train ticket?!

I wish FB let you save convos...oh em gee....

I'm having dangerous thoughts...I remember from that one night...dude is packing some serious artillery. A bunny like me will get hurt.

Oooh weeeee....out of control!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Mind Escapes Me

I have lots to blog about but I just didn't feel like it...

Selfish of me. I know. Sorry.

Life moves quickly and I sometimes wonder if I'm in the fast lane going slow. I see and feel the other cars moving past me but I'm not even driving.

Does that even make sense?

I'm talking to some new dude. Its funny. I never mention talking to a dude to anyone until its been a month or two. I hate being asked..."What happened?" Boo.Hiss.Boo.

This dude has written a book on dating and relationships. I have to cop it. Afterwards, we'll see if I'll still be talking to him. I do like him because he's real and he's inspiring me to be better than I am. He doesn't know it. I'll never tell...well never is strong but...whatevs

Moniker for him..hmmm.....Carter. Idk why...I just like it. Lol.

Three things bother me about him:

1. I'm no small fry. I'm a size 18/20. He talks a lot about women being fat and stuff. Umm..yea

2. He has a youtube channel where he gives advice as well and I doooo not like a man that talks too much. *surprisingly enough, I asked Afroman about it. He said maybe that's his only outlet.

3. He talks about sex and God. Like..."God wants us to be happy. Sex makes me happy..." He does talk about being responsible. Yadda yadda. I just don't know how I feel about that.

We'll see where that leads. He's in South Carolina. In in BK. Umm, yea.
++++++++++++
"Nina, you can have sex tonight if you wanted to," Twin said that to me a couple of days ago. "You've got dick right next door. I know gay guys that would fuck you. Stop frontin like you can't fuck."

(Damn Twin!)

I suppose he's right. Its so easy to fall into old habits...having sex to fill voids where insecurities, loneliness and unfulfilled in other areas of my life lay.

"All it takes is one phone call..." I just tweeted that and got a barrage of angry tweets from people I have to call back (lol) or curious folks wanting to know what I mean and other folks implying their own meaning.
++++++

I've been having dreams about an ex. He's been on my mind lately. I don't know why. I'm so scared for him - all the time. He's a crip. He has been since he was 11. Now he's 24. He's an OG. Sometimes, I don't want to be seen with him. I get scared. I don't want some gang garbage to pop off. Every month it seems like some "friend" of his is dying. I can't....
+++++++++++

I actually got a cold. I've been sniffling all week...another reason I haven't been blogging. (Look at me finding excuses)

I can kiiinda taste and kiiiinda smell. Yay for me! I'm a winner!
++++++

You guys can tell this post is mad random and really just my unfiltered thoughts. If I weren't "anonymous" I'd vlog buuuuut I am...boo! Lol

I think its important to break out of the "weekend recap" blogging. Bleh

+++++++
I'm searching for something. I'm searching for that someone to make me complete. Cheese-ball. Yes. But, this week I've felt it so much. Must be the cold. When you're sick and there's no one there to fetch your tea, blanket...it sucks giant monkey balls!

I keep telling myself I'll get over it. I'm not so sure. This is why I'm scared I'll break my celibacy to fill that lonely void...even just for a moment. Ugh!

I haven't been kissed since January...I'm about to start kissing random strangers in the street. Mess around and catch TB
+++++++

Went to this dope party last night. It was hosted by Perez Hilton and sponsored by Alize at this warehouse type thing.

Funny part is...the outside looked so crappy. The inside was amazing. It was lined in sequins or reflective tile. DJ was hot. Free drinks were floooowing. Lady Gaga, Paris Hilton was there. Perez took pics with my friends. He had on a daggone Mickey Mouse shirt, no pants, and Nike dunks. Word, Perez? I was so not feeling well but felt like I needed to go. I wasn't taking pics with anyone.I was in a mood like..so what you're famous...Friends said this photog was staring at me. He took a pic. I know I look crazy. My make-up has been off. Lol. I don't care. My off-make-up is better than some people's ON. Cocky. Yes. You love it.

++++++
I'm working on a line of make-up bags and T-shirts. That's some exclusive talk right there....

Hard to do things brooooooke. My paycheck comes tomorrow and I will have zero dinero. Uggggghhhhhh!

Brokeness!! Brokeness!!

Trying to make connects. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying but not hard enough because my mind floats away like a child that gets easily distracted at times. What I want to do is bigger than me.
++++

BFF and I went out for drinks Monday night....Day 1 of my cold where I still had tastebuds. She was 30 minutes late because she was meeting up with Punjabi. She didn't lie to me about it but she wasn't truthful. (Where I was standing, she would have to pass me in order to get to the restaurant. She calls me and she's already there. I asked how did she not pass me. She said she didn't know. She kept smiling and texting. I grabbed her phone...mad texts from dude about how good she looked that night. Busted! He drove her.) Then when she got caught, she was smug. Like, yes...he was sitting in his car. You walked right past him. I was so hurt. I literally was about to cry. You make me wait in the cold to be with this dude?? After you didn't do squat the whole day.....that moment I changed. Our relationship changed I think. Like...I said to myself, I can't love someone else that much anymore. I can't love BFF so ferociously where I want better for her than she wants for herself. I'm tired.
I want to distance myself because I can't watch the foolishness and obviously, my intervention attempts don't work. At the same time, if I distance myself, she'll go closer to Punjabi. Damned if you do. Damned if you don't. Any suggestions on what I should do?

+++++++
Are we liking the stream-of-consciousness blogging? I think you get to see more of my personality and it gets better the more you read...lol
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Confuzzled

I'm in limbo...not in a comfortable spot professionally.

I literally cried this morning when I got off the phone with a bill collector asking me to pay them $50 a paycheck to pay off a $3,000 credit card debt. That's basically my "food" money. Starving artist...for reals.

I remember when $50 was nothing. It was not even enough to get my hair done. Now...I'm like FIFTY DOLLARS! Lol

*le sigh*

I get dressed and made-up to leave the house and it makes me feel better for a minute although my make-up is diminishing day by day. This lady sitting next to me on the train is staring at me....for like 20 minutes. I look at her, she rolls her eyes. What the fucking fuck? (My favorite line fro StepBrothers)

I guess this post will be everywhere. I really feel like crying today. Not being where you want to be and trying to change it is hard business.

Thinking of a master plan cause ain't nothing but sweat in the palm of my hand.

I believe in God. I believe He helps us but I also believe that we've got to put some motion into it. He doesn't just make it rain (dollars).
I need a Divine Intervention right now.

It could always be worse. I'm not on the street or begging for change on the train. How would that look- full face of make-up begging for change...lol

I'm trying not to fall into a depression. I feel myself sliding into one..fighting fighting fighting...

I have more but ehhhh maybe lateer.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Selfish

My problem in relationships is that I'm not selfish enough.

Yup. You read that right.

I'm a giver. That's in ALL of my relationships...professional, friendships, everything.

And I was thinking about this all day and really....I'm going to start putting myself first.

I'm a good woman. I deserve to be courted. I deserve to be wooed, to be told I'm beautiful, to be DESIRED.

Trish is right. Afroman, Aussie...I made it too easy. I gave them convenient sex and a hot meal.

Fuuuuck that.

Which reminds me. Gi. I could have back-slapped her yesterday. She's been dating this dude who is trying to be an actor. He's out of work. They've been chilling really heavy. I told her they should slow up because that's how she gets attached quickly. She tells me how they talk about sex a lot (initiated by her) and how she can tell he's working with a lot. I raise my eyebrow. I tell her she needs to control herself. That its really up to us (women) to control the sexual pace because (most) men will have sex but will they call the next day - doubtful. She told him that she doesn't want to have sex til they're in a relationship. He respects that. I'm like..Gi, ease up on the sex talk because you're sending mixed messages and you're going to have your mind going some place it shouldn't go.

No one effing listens to me!

Yesterday, she tells me she slept with him on Sunday. The Lawwwwwd's day, lol.

Then, she found out that he didn't tell his mother he was seeing someone and she doesn't want to go to his house to chill (he lives w/mom).

He said..."Its only been a month. He didn't want to tell his mom when they don't have a title and he's not sure how it will work out."

Liiiiightbuuulb.

Gi is hurt. She won't admit it but she's sensitive and she's like...well, we slept together.

*le sigh*

I told her to fall back.

She said she would and she wasn't going to sleep with him again until they do have a title.

I know she will sleep with him again. I know how this will end. She said..."I was trying not to make the same mistakes...."

*le sigh*

Not saying I'm any better but geeez louiiiiseeeeee! We really see other people's situations better than out own for real.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

My Life: The Great Monet

He called this morning as I was getting dressed for the day. He has a knack for catching me off guard.

"I want to hang out," I said.

"I don't hang out. I don't want to spend money. "

"I didn't ask you to spend money. We can do free things around the city."

"Well, what do you want to do?"

"I'm not sure. We'll figure something out. Have you ever been to Roosevelt Island?"

"No."

"Oh ok...it'll be fun."

Blah blah blah...Friday night. On one hand, I'm excited. Its an actual date...the last one I was on, didn't end so well...but, I'm kinda turned off.

Yes, its a recession. Yes, I applaud the black man for saving his money to get to where he wants to go but...I feel like he's put me in this category because he thinks I like ballers. Or it could be this pedestal where he feels like that's what I deserve.

At the same time, if you don't have it...be creative if this is something or someone you want.

Either way, I've got some questions for him. I am willing to put in the effort but I've been there before and I'm not about to go back to a one-sided relationship, a fwb situation is out of the question and I'm really not down for the bullcaka...

I asked my friend what she thought.

She said: Hmmm. I can understand why you'd be turned off. Even if you prove you're not that kind of chick, it's still going to be in the back of his head. He has to become secure in himself. He's obviously insecure not just b/c of the type of woman he thinks you are, but in himself not being able to do and have the life he wants or feels he should have

Me: So what do you suppose I do? Leave it alone?

Friend: That would be for you to decide. If you're getting turned off now, maybe that is a red flag for you. Take all flags as a lesson. When you have to question, it might not be for you...

Me: True. Its in such a pretty package, I want it to be!

We'll see....
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile