*graphic post*
I went to the bathroom today and my urine smelled funky. It smelled like my dad's urine did when we did his at home dialysis. I jumped up and my urine is burnt orange.
Omg!!
I'm trying to calm down. For the past 4 days, I have drank 0 water. Only orange juice. I'm just freaking out because kidney disease is hereditary and although my kidneys aren't hurting...I'm genetically dispositioned to be a walking time bomb.
Most of my cold symptoms are gone. I just have this horrible ache at the front top of my stomach that makes it hard to walk. I walk like an old woman. Every time I bend over to pick something up, I get a headache and I feel nauseous.
Then....after the last umm, tryst with TN, I have a hemmroid. Yes, just one. I looked it up. When you're not mentally prepared or used to having anal sex, your body's natural reaction is to push whatever is in there out...your partner is supposed to be gentle...ummm, yea...about that? Anyway...this lil guy popped up a few days after the thing. I got the cream a few days later because a stupid friend told me she had one and it just goes away. The internet told me differently, so anyway...I've been applying it since Friday and it seems to be shrinking. Let me tell you something...until I got the cream, TEARS every time I'd have a bowel movement. Sitting was ridiculous sometimes. I fall asleep on my back and now its like, can't sleep on my back because of that, can't sleep on my side because of the achey tummy, what the fucking fuck?!
I need a doctor. I'm falling to pieces.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
so....
I've been MIA for 5 days, so I guess that September blog challenge is kaput.
*Disclaimer: Any comments left on this blog...as long as they are sincere and not bogus like (You are a crazy whore)) or some ish, I will not get offended. Mmmkay?*
On Thursday of last week, I met up with Carter. We had IHOP and we talked some things out. As soon as he heard that me and The Nigerian are no more, he opened up about how he felt that if we slept together, I would try to make him my boyfriend. I told him that wouldn't be. He was new in town and he has to get himself straightened out and I have to get myself straightened out. He then mentioned that he was game for whatever. Suddenly, I was not. The same things that bug me about Carter still do. To go into a physical relationship would be unwise...but I didn't tell him that...*shrug*
Friday, I woke up, my throat hurt, my head was pounding, my body ached. Fuck...I got a cold. The weather changed so drastically and although I had on adequate clothing, I still got sick. It was Fashion's Night Out and I really wanted to go. Editor said she wanted to get ready at my house..I told her yes but on her way, could she bring me some oj, Progresso soup with rice and some crackers. It should come up to a little over $5. It would really help me out because I hadn't eaten all day. She shows up to my house with a small carton (the breakfast size) of orange juice, and 2 cans of soup, both different brands.
Who brings someone who is sick a tiny carton of OJ?! I was done with it in 5 seconds.
Also, I asked for the crackers because typically, when you're sick, you eat crackers so that any food you eat doesn't really bother your stomach. I heated up the soup any way...thinking I would be fine. 2 spoonfuls later, I was dizzy, nauseous and cold. I wasn't going anywhere.
I felt so pissed off .... firstly, I should've known better not to eat the soup but I was hungry. Secondly, I felt like she half-assed it. Being alone and sick in my apartment alone gave me a lot of time to think about things. Editor half-asses a lot of things she does. She's asked me for favors and I've never half-assed them before. Never.
The problem is not Editor and her lazy ass. Its me.
I decided to create a mantra for scenarios like that...I am not Capt Save-A-Hoe. It is not my responsibility to fix people's lives or come in cape blowing in the wind, guns blazing every single time.
Why? Because its rare that people do that for you. Later on, I called BFF and she hooked me up with some crackers, a CARTON of OJ, made a bed for me on the couch, the only place it was really warm, and made me drink some fluids and take some medicine. She also closed and locked my windows so the cold air won't sneak in.
Not saying I wanted Editor to do that...just some effin crackers.
Hmph!!
A couple of days ago...The Nigerian called me. This was actually after my date with Carter. (men always seem to smell when you've possibly moved on) I didn't pick up. I text him.
Me: What do you want?
TN: Nothing
Me: Great! That's exactly what I want from you...nothing. Leave me alone. I wouln't treat anyone the way you have treated me.
silence
Today
TN: Happy Sunday
Me: Fuck off
TN: Fuck off
ummm....ok. He calls me later on today. Dude is delusional!
BFF crashed Punjabi's(her boyfriend whom she's aware has a live-in girlfrend of 11 years) birthday party. She saw them dance together. hold hands and all sorts of bf/gf stuff. His friend came to her and told her that Punjabi was never going to leave the live-in and she should walk away.
She is devastated. She was on the phone with me for an hr and a half going over every detail of what the friend said, what Punjabi did...finally, I was like...
Listen, when Brit was here, everyday for a month, she would wake up, cry and then go on and on for at least an hour with me about why her bf was such an asshole. One day, I told her what I'm about to tell you...
I'm done trying to decipher what people are thinking. I'm not a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Truth is...I don't know. The other truth is...the only theory you're going to come up with is something that makes you feel better. The only way we know what a person is thinking is by what they show us and he's shown you many times over...So, if you want to cry...cry...I'll be here for you. I'd rather you make a plan on how you're going to delete him from your life.
I meant every word.
Right after that, I told her about the texts from TN and she was like..."What is he thinking?"
I laughed.
I said, Girl, I don't know...but what I do know is...he's an asshole.
*Disclaimer: Any comments left on this blog...as long as they are sincere and not bogus like (You are a crazy whore)) or some ish, I will not get offended. Mmmkay?*
On Thursday of last week, I met up with Carter. We had IHOP and we talked some things out. As soon as he heard that me and The Nigerian are no more, he opened up about how he felt that if we slept together, I would try to make him my boyfriend. I told him that wouldn't be. He was new in town and he has to get himself straightened out and I have to get myself straightened out. He then mentioned that he was game for whatever. Suddenly, I was not. The same things that bug me about Carter still do. To go into a physical relationship would be unwise...but I didn't tell him that...*shrug*
Friday, I woke up, my throat hurt, my head was pounding, my body ached. Fuck...I got a cold. The weather changed so drastically and although I had on adequate clothing, I still got sick. It was Fashion's Night Out and I really wanted to go. Editor said she wanted to get ready at my house..I told her yes but on her way, could she bring me some oj, Progresso soup with rice and some crackers. It should come up to a little over $5. It would really help me out because I hadn't eaten all day. She shows up to my house with a small carton (the breakfast size) of orange juice, and 2 cans of soup, both different brands.
Who brings someone who is sick a tiny carton of OJ?! I was done with it in 5 seconds.
Also, I asked for the crackers because typically, when you're sick, you eat crackers so that any food you eat doesn't really bother your stomach. I heated up the soup any way...thinking I would be fine. 2 spoonfuls later, I was dizzy, nauseous and cold. I wasn't going anywhere.
I felt so pissed off .... firstly, I should've known better not to eat the soup but I was hungry. Secondly, I felt like she half-assed it. Being alone and sick in my apartment alone gave me a lot of time to think about things. Editor half-asses a lot of things she does. She's asked me for favors and I've never half-assed them before. Never.
The problem is not Editor and her lazy ass. Its me.
I decided to create a mantra for scenarios like that...I am not Capt Save-A-Hoe. It is not my responsibility to fix people's lives or come in cape blowing in the wind, guns blazing every single time.
Why? Because its rare that people do that for you. Later on, I called BFF and she hooked me up with some crackers, a CARTON of OJ, made a bed for me on the couch, the only place it was really warm, and made me drink some fluids and take some medicine. She also closed and locked my windows so the cold air won't sneak in.
Not saying I wanted Editor to do that...just some effin crackers.
Hmph!!
A couple of days ago...The Nigerian called me. This was actually after my date with Carter. (men always seem to smell when you've possibly moved on) I didn't pick up. I text him.
Me: What do you want?
TN: Nothing
Me: Great! That's exactly what I want from you...nothing. Leave me alone. I wouln't treat anyone the way you have treated me.
silence
Today
TN: Happy Sunday
Me: Fuck off
TN: Fuck off
ummm....ok. He calls me later on today. Dude is delusional!
BFF crashed Punjabi's(her boyfriend whom she's aware has a live-in girlfrend of 11 years) birthday party. She saw them dance together. hold hands and all sorts of bf/gf stuff. His friend came to her and told her that Punjabi was never going to leave the live-in and she should walk away.
She is devastated. She was on the phone with me for an hr and a half going over every detail of what the friend said, what Punjabi did...finally, I was like...
Listen, when Brit was here, everyday for a month, she would wake up, cry and then go on and on for at least an hour with me about why her bf was such an asshole. One day, I told her what I'm about to tell you...
I'm done trying to decipher what people are thinking. I'm not a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Truth is...I don't know. The other truth is...the only theory you're going to come up with is something that makes you feel better. The only way we know what a person is thinking is by what they show us and he's shown you many times over...So, if you want to cry...cry...I'll be here for you. I'd rather you make a plan on how you're going to delete him from your life.
I meant every word.
Right after that, I told her about the texts from TN and she was like..."What is he thinking?"
I laughed.
I said, Girl, I don't know...but what I do know is...he's an asshole.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
hermit
The stuff with The Nigerian has been a big distraction, diverting my attention from what's really going on with me, also kind of adding to the distress of what I already feel.
I feel like I've made a mess of my life. I have too much time on my hands and not enough time. It's not enough time because I'm not using it properly. At the same time, I just feel like everything I thought I wanted isn't really what I want anymore and I have to try and rebuild my life from the ground up. Sometimes, I'm not sure if my life has any meaning.
There's no one that I can really TALK to about this in my immediate circle. I feel like their reactions would be the same...mild reassurance that everything is okay - more reassuring of themselves that everything is fine with me because if things aren't fine with me, then...idk. I'm the rock of my friends. I've found myself leaning on them more and more and while scary, sometimes they surprise me.
I don't sleep at night. In the past 2 weeks, the earliest I went to sleep was at 2am. That was because BFF gave me a gin and tonic. I'm not being productive while I'm not sleeping. I'm reading or watching random tv shows or masturbating or just staring off, my mind blank for a significant amount of time. My apartment is a mess. My space always reflects what I'm going through.
I finally doze off at about 5 or 6am and then I sleep until 1pm. Wake up and try to do something productive...something to preserve this outward appearance that I'm okay. People buy it. Maybe I should've been an actress.
I want to talk to someone but really...what will be said? I'm not suicidal or anyting but I think sitting down and saying to someone, I think my life is worthless right now will ring some alarms. I feel catatonic...like the fish in a bowl watching everything move around me.
I don't know what to do to break the seal around my life...break the shell.
Something has got to give. I need to find a job. I need to make some money. I need to shake myself loose.
I feel like I've made a mess of my life. I have too much time on my hands and not enough time. It's not enough time because I'm not using it properly. At the same time, I just feel like everything I thought I wanted isn't really what I want anymore and I have to try and rebuild my life from the ground up. Sometimes, I'm not sure if my life has any meaning.
There's no one that I can really TALK to about this in my immediate circle. I feel like their reactions would be the same...mild reassurance that everything is okay - more reassuring of themselves that everything is fine with me because if things aren't fine with me, then...idk. I'm the rock of my friends. I've found myself leaning on them more and more and while scary, sometimes they surprise me.
I don't sleep at night. In the past 2 weeks, the earliest I went to sleep was at 2am. That was because BFF gave me a gin and tonic. I'm not being productive while I'm not sleeping. I'm reading or watching random tv shows or masturbating or just staring off, my mind blank for a significant amount of time. My apartment is a mess. My space always reflects what I'm going through.
I finally doze off at about 5 or 6am and then I sleep until 1pm. Wake up and try to do something productive...something to preserve this outward appearance that I'm okay. People buy it. Maybe I should've been an actress.
I want to talk to someone but really...what will be said? I'm not suicidal or anyting but I think sitting down and saying to someone, I think my life is worthless right now will ring some alarms. I feel catatonic...like the fish in a bowl watching everything move around me.
I don't know what to do to break the seal around my life...break the shell.
Something has got to give. I need to find a job. I need to make some money. I need to shake myself loose.
blog challenge day 7
Describe your perfect wedding.
Unlike a lot of women I know, I've never really thought about my wedding day. Being a makeup artist and having seen the inner workings of my fair share of weddings, let me tell you...that ish is no walk in the park.
So, my perfect wedding would be as low-key as possible. I would do a beach ceremony with maybe 5-10 guests each...only our closest friends. The ceremony would last no more than 30 minutes. I would want a prayer, the formal vows and our own written vows, a beautiful song and that's it. I said that if my dad couldn't walk me down the aisle, I don't really want to walk down an aisle. In my head, me and my bff/maid of honor and he and his best man would come from the sides and meet in the middle. We'd both be barefoot and in white. If I have hair, I want it to be big and curly and wild. Everything should be easy.
I want the reception to be kind of a big blow out but that's if we have the money for it. If not, a small reception and off we go to some tropical island for our honeymoon.
Why? Because the wedding is about us. The reception is about people genuinely happy to see each other together celebrating. I think even the reception would be no more than 100 people...tops!
Unlike a lot of women I know, I've never really thought about my wedding day. Being a makeup artist and having seen the inner workings of my fair share of weddings, let me tell you...that ish is no walk in the park.
So, my perfect wedding would be as low-key as possible. I would do a beach ceremony with maybe 5-10 guests each...only our closest friends. The ceremony would last no more than 30 minutes. I would want a prayer, the formal vows and our own written vows, a beautiful song and that's it. I said that if my dad couldn't walk me down the aisle, I don't really want to walk down an aisle. In my head, me and my bff/maid of honor and he and his best man would come from the sides and meet in the middle. We'd both be barefoot and in white. If I have hair, I want it to be big and curly and wild. Everything should be easy.
I want the reception to be kind of a big blow out but that's if we have the money for it. If not, a small reception and off we go to some tropical island for our honeymoon.
Why? Because the wedding is about us. The reception is about people genuinely happy to see each other together celebrating. I think even the reception would be no more than 100 people...tops!
Phoenix Rising Part 2
I know I'm blogging a lot...there's a lot going on and I need to document it. Maybe I shouldn't also do the blog challenge, but I've already committed to it..I don't know. We'll see.
Read Phoenix Rising first before this post.
Saturday
I awoke some time Saturday afternoon with a fire in my belly. I read Gorgeous Puddin's comment over and over. I rolled what K told me over and over in my head. I wasn't convinced that I was done yet. I've dealt with some pretty stagnant relationships..both mine and my friends and I know enough to know that YOU have to be done with those situations before they are over.
And so, when Wynsters called to go to her friend's housewarming party, I welcomed the distraction. My mind has been elsewhere lately. Beyond TN, beyond everything going on with me. My house is a mess and my mind is just as scattered. As I was getting ready, the top to my fan fell off. I went to turn the fan another direction while not looking and my fingers got caught in the blades. 3 of my fingers were cut but the middle one has a deep gash in it that didn't stop bleeding for at least an hour.
The housewarming party pretty much sucked giving me and Wynsters time to talk. She is totally disgusted with TN and although she is as sweet as pie, she vows if she ever saw TN, she'd curse him to his face. Afterwards, we met up with Wynsters' boyfriend, The Grecian. I told TG what happened and he said some pretty poignant things:
-Why are you with someone who is not nice to you - not even on a friendship level? I wouldn't do that to my friends.
- Why are you messing around with crazy men?
- Why are you taking things so seriously? You are young. You still have time to explore and experiment and most men your age just want to have fun. He's saying he wants a relationship but his actions say that he wants to have fun with you, get up and have you go your separate ways and then call you 2 weeks later to do it again. It doesn't seem like you're up for that so just leave him alone. Just stop. Stop. Stop taking his calls. Stop.
He kind of shook me.
Read Phoenix Rising first before this post.
Saturday
I awoke some time Saturday afternoon with a fire in my belly. I read Gorgeous Puddin's comment over and over. I rolled what K told me over and over in my head. I wasn't convinced that I was done yet. I've dealt with some pretty stagnant relationships..both mine and my friends and I know enough to know that YOU have to be done with those situations before they are over.
And so, when Wynsters called to go to her friend's housewarming party, I welcomed the distraction. My mind has been elsewhere lately. Beyond TN, beyond everything going on with me. My house is a mess and my mind is just as scattered. As I was getting ready, the top to my fan fell off. I went to turn the fan another direction while not looking and my fingers got caught in the blades. 3 of my fingers were cut but the middle one has a deep gash in it that didn't stop bleeding for at least an hour.
The housewarming party pretty much sucked giving me and Wynsters time to talk. She is totally disgusted with TN and although she is as sweet as pie, she vows if she ever saw TN, she'd curse him to his face. Afterwards, we met up with Wynsters' boyfriend, The Grecian. I told TG what happened and he said some pretty poignant things:
-Why are you with someone who is not nice to you - not even on a friendship level? I wouldn't do that to my friends.
- Why are you messing around with crazy men?
- Why are you taking things so seriously? You are young. You still have time to explore and experiment and most men your age just want to have fun. He's saying he wants a relationship but his actions say that he wants to have fun with you, get up and have you go your separate ways and then call you 2 weeks later to do it again. It doesn't seem like you're up for that so just leave him alone. Just stop. Stop. Stop taking his calls. Stop.
He kind of shook me.
Phoenix Rising
And even after all that he did, I was not content to leave it alone. There's something in me that has to know that dead situations can not be resuscitated. Friday night, he called me at 8pm.
"Are you coming to my event?" The Nigerian asked.
"No," I answered directly.
"Why not?"
"I don't want to."
"Ok," he hung up as I was about to say something else. I fumed. I called BFF. She fumed.
I called him back.
"How dare you hang up on me?"
"I didn't hang up on you.I though we were done."
I let him have it, questioning his intentions...charging him with accusations of only wanting me for sex and patronizing his events. I let off until I was done. He defended himself. I hung up on him, my patience short.
15 minutes later, his friend B called me, stating that TN was MIA for 2 days because he was helping him film and surely, I know what film sets are like, yes?
Yes, but just like I let TN know what I was doing, all it took was a simple text to let me know. B urged me to come to the event. It would mean so much to TN.
I relented.
I BBM'ed Brit what was going on and she said..."You can't break up with him every time you guys hit a rough patch."
She was right.
I showered, put on ample smell-good, a tight dress and some sexy makeup.I sashayed in the place with all eyes on me and my eyes were on him. His jaw dropped. B smiled.
"Hey there sexy. You did good," he said.
Did I?
I entertained the conversation of several men and women while TN played social butterfly, hosting, fluttering by me every now and again.
The bartender asked me to go home with him. I blushed.
"No, I'm with TN."
"That guy?" he said with disgust, "I know that guy. He's not with anyone. Trust me."
I shrugged. I watched as he and B went outside, thinking nothing of it until I was ready to leave. They were nowhere to be found. I dug out my phone which was under a washcloth, fresh pair of undies and some toiletries that I had in my bag.
"Went to shoot with B."
I text him back, furious that he left me in the middle of Brooklyn (albeit a gentrified safe part of Brooklyn) with a text message from across the room.
"I'm handling biz"
"I understand that but a simple goodbye would've been sufficient. You're not even wondering how I will get home."
He didn't respond and my new girlfriends urged me to join them at the bar down the street. I accepted as they sat me down trying to ease my tension with free strong drinks. I was hungry, my eyes searching for my next meal. I was resolving in myself to become a man-eater. A few caught my attention and I caught the attention of many. Of course, those whom I caught, I wasn't the least bit interested in them.
And so my new friend, K says.."Girl, you are too beautiful - too dope as a person to settle for less than you're deserving." EB must have told her what TN did that night and that was enough for her. "Look around you. These men are all staring. You have a power that they're aware of on a subconscious level. You need to use it."
She was saying things I needed to hear and on some level, she was right. I decided to sleep on it.
(to be continued)
"Are you coming to my event?" The Nigerian asked.
"No," I answered directly.
"Why not?"
"I don't want to."
"Ok," he hung up as I was about to say something else. I fumed. I called BFF. She fumed.
I called him back.
"How dare you hang up on me?"
"I didn't hang up on you.I though we were done."
I let him have it, questioning his intentions...charging him with accusations of only wanting me for sex and patronizing his events. I let off until I was done. He defended himself. I hung up on him, my patience short.
15 minutes later, his friend B called me, stating that TN was MIA for 2 days because he was helping him film and surely, I know what film sets are like, yes?
Yes, but just like I let TN know what I was doing, all it took was a simple text to let me know. B urged me to come to the event. It would mean so much to TN.
I relented.
I BBM'ed Brit what was going on and she said..."You can't break up with him every time you guys hit a rough patch."
She was right.
I showered, put on ample smell-good, a tight dress and some sexy makeup.I sashayed in the place with all eyes on me and my eyes were on him. His jaw dropped. B smiled.
"Hey there sexy. You did good," he said.
Did I?
I entertained the conversation of several men and women while TN played social butterfly, hosting, fluttering by me every now and again.
The bartender asked me to go home with him. I blushed.
"No, I'm with TN."
"That guy?" he said with disgust, "I know that guy. He's not with anyone. Trust me."
I shrugged. I watched as he and B went outside, thinking nothing of it until I was ready to leave. They were nowhere to be found. I dug out my phone which was under a washcloth, fresh pair of undies and some toiletries that I had in my bag.
"Went to shoot with B."
I text him back, furious that he left me in the middle of Brooklyn (albeit a gentrified safe part of Brooklyn) with a text message from across the room.
"I'm handling biz"
"I understand that but a simple goodbye would've been sufficient. You're not even wondering how I will get home."
He didn't respond and my new girlfriends urged me to join them at the bar down the street. I accepted as they sat me down trying to ease my tension with free strong drinks. I was hungry, my eyes searching for my next meal. I was resolving in myself to become a man-eater. A few caught my attention and I caught the attention of many. Of course, those whom I caught, I wasn't the least bit interested in them.
And so my new friend, K says.."Girl, you are too beautiful - too dope as a person to settle for less than you're deserving." EB must have told her what TN did that night and that was enough for her. "Look around you. These men are all staring. You have a power that they're aware of on a subconscious level. You need to use it."
She was saying things I needed to hear and on some level, she was right. I decided to sleep on it.
(to be continued)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Blog Challenge Days 4 -6
Day 4. Fave pic of your best friend. She didn't ask to be on the blog so her pic will be taken down tomorrow.
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