wtf?

ok...so i'm all weepy and mad and sad and this dude doesn't even wait a full day to announce to the world that we're through. shit! doess that mean that he couldnt wait to get on with his life? i don't know. i don't want to get into another relationship for a while tho. ****sigh****

pissed

you know what's really pissing me off lately? the fact that i have to play everyone's goddamned mother. wtf? grown ass mothefuckin people and they all come to me. got paper? got pen? what should i do? where should i turn? motherfucker, i don't fuckin know. you're 5 years older than me. shouldn't i be askin you that question or we're the same age...what the fuck do i kno? ahhhhhhhhhhh! i need that fucking vacation but no one wants to get me one. so fuckin over it. shit!

So....I guess

on the Happy Meter...we're at a no. But I don't want to leave and I'm
not sure howto stay. At this point I don't know why I'm not and I don't
know how to fix it. All I know is that I am sad and I don't know how to
get happy again. I know I have to do it myself. Fluff myself up. Which
may be easier said than done. So....I still don't know which way to go.

Are u Happy?

He asked me if I was happy and I had no answer. Its been an hour and
still have no answer.

Maybe that is the answer.

Blah blah blah

Thinking a lot about mylife...my goals, my aspirations....and I'm not by
any stretch of the imagination happy with any aspect of my life.

Let's see:
Work
Work sucks..and they're adding all these rules and letting rookies do
managerial jobs. Not paying enough and I just feel like shit/drinking at
the end of the day.

Sex
Horny as hell because I haven't really HAD sex lately. Partly to do
with

Living Situation
Mom dukes is driving me crazy. Nuff said.

Tears dry on their own

I don't think anyone knows me. I don't think anyone truly understands
me.
On Monday, I had to fight the demons that were telling me that my life
was worthless and that no one would miss me when I'm gone. I'm so tired.
I'm tired of fighting and scrapping and begging for everything I get.
I'm tired of competing for everything. I'm tired of feeling like I'm
almost at the finish line when they shut down the race. I'm tired of
feelin like nothing is tangible...I'm tired of feeling like dust.
And so...when the voices in my head....the conscious voice...the voice
that is ur own.....kept telling me no one would miss me....no one cares
about me....I didn't think of Afroman...or BestFriend or BestGayFriend,
or Twin......I thought of no one but myself. I would miss me I guess.
And now, as I sit on my bed....there is no one I can call that would
make me feel better. There is no friend that can wipe away my tears.
Just me n the silent still room....the sound of my fishtank
whirring....and the pitter patter of my fingertips on the keyboard. Its
just me.

MTA is fuckin up!
(Just had to say that)

I just realized that I'm n the same place that I was in a few months ago
when I looked back at past posts. HIGHLY DEPRESSING!
I don't know what I'm going to do about anything. One part of me misses
Afroman like crazy. Part of me wants to call him. Part of me wants him
to run to me all dramatic...like in the movies. *sigh*
I want him to know he was wrong for not being down for me like I was for
him. I want him to know that I deserve the best treatment ever. I honor
him. I give him my all and I want his all. *shakes head* I just don't
know anymore.
I was borderline suicidal today. The hormones were going crazy, I
guess.
lets seeeeeeeeee......
Nothing else to report. Groovy...l8rz

Sorry about the typos n past posts....juicy's tired

Maybe?

Do u think that at one point God just scoops u up because u just fucked
up so much and He's like...here let me straighten this out for you?

I didn't think so either.

But I'm just so sick and tired of my life being in shambles. Nothing is
going right. Nothing works properly. Not even my damn mp3 player, which
I've only had for at the most 2 months and it just sucks. I feel like
taking a hammer to it and bashing it to pieces.
I'm on edge today. Which is also not the best way to go to my customer
service job either. People don't make it any easier. Rather, dealing
with people don't make it easier.
I'm just ready for a different life. I'm ready for a fresh start....a
new wind.
I used to think I was so strong. Maybe not so much anymore. I don't know
how I feel or what I think about myself anymore. Just tired. I'm so
depressed about everything. Maybe I just don't deserve the good in life.
Maybe its just too much to fight for.

No white flag yet! Hmph!

I swear Afroman is haunting me. He's all I can think about. But I refuse
to give in. Not until 1 full week because I don't think he's learned his
lesson. If he had, wouldn't he be at my house with flowers already?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I still don't understand the concept of
A. Being depressed about finding a job before u start but u quit b4 ur
current job having another one
B. Having me pay for everything...but I'm not taking care of u.
C. Allowing me to take care of you without feeling guuilt or remorse
enough to want to get a job
D. Knowing I got robbed 2x before 7pm and not walking me home after our
dates
E. Not wanting to walk on the outside of the street.....after I
explained it to u.
F. After 7 yrs of knowing each other and 4 months of being together, I
don't understand not wanting to take me home to meet ur family.

SO I'M NOT DONE BROODING YET....Even though, I do miss the knucklehead.
Oh well, I'm strong!

What happened to love conquering all?

Juicy's sad. This is a sadness that comes from deep within. This is Day
3 of the Juicy-Afroman break.
Who would ever tell me u would need a break from ur soulmate? Isn't he
my soulmate? He is my soulmate....no? I thought so. But lately, life is
teaching me that what we think and what is reality are 2 separate
things. There's so much love there. Maybe I wished it so.
I shouldn't have read his blog. That's what broke me. Reading his words
and knowing he was hurting. I was fine thinking he was not caring or not
being affected or not thinking about his feelings.
Now I'm confused. Can we work it out? Can we give it another chance?
Maybe there's something more to it than that. I dunno. I knew I was
unhappy, but I put it off until the unhappiness bubbled over, like milk
on the stove.
What were my expectstions?
I expected that he wouldn't be bothered by my spending on him.
I expected that him being bothered by my spending would propel him to
find a job faster.
I expected that dating him would be wonderful and beautiful and
different, but relationships r complex and sometimes ugly.
Now, my heart hurts and I don't know what to do from here on out. I
played my cards and I'm out th game.
Am I being foolish? Am I being selfish?

I am completely exhausted.

Irreplacable?

Did I make the right decision?
I sent Afroman explaining y I was unhappy and it made him feel like
shit.like I knew it would.
So, we decided to take a break or rather I decided to take a break from
him. Clear my head. Sort things out. We'll see how it goes. I feel like
I've failed. I tried to make it work..........I don't kno. If I can't
make this work...then I just don't know. I'm not the type to fall 2
pieces....but I'm gonna miss waking up 2 a "good morning baby" from him.

Late night confessional

Omg...can't sleep and its 1am. Have to be up bright and early tomorrow
to be a productive human being.

So, what's keeping me up?
I sat down and did my finances and I definitely need a 2nd job. I have
debt up the wazookas. What I think I may do...is if at the end of the
summer I'm good on my bills, I should go and treat myself to a sweet lil
vacay...maybe Miami..maybe Puerto Rico...some place nice and warm and
worry-free.

I'm worried abt my relationship with AfroMan. My mom doesn't think he
may be good enough for me. Maybe she's right. I've been taking care of
him for the better part of our relationship. He finally got a job but
he's gonna quit it soon after he starts-- I can kinda feel it coming.
She doesn't understand what I see in him and some days I don't either.
But, I must say he's beautiful inside and out. Maybe part of me doesn't
think I deserve better. Maybe part of me has wanted him since freshman
year of high school and I finally have him and I don't want to give it
up. I dunno. He plays video games a lot. He has a lot going on around
him and doesn't pay enough attention to me when I talk to him on the
phone. He becomes a different person when I talk to him when he's around
his brothers. Maybe I'm giving too much. My friends r the type of people
who are together for years and years. Why can't I have that? Why can't I
make it work? I just don't get it.

I told BGF aka best gay friend...who needs a new name..that I can't
afford him on my phone bill. All he said was okay. OKAY......not I
understand. Not I'll give u part of the 4 months free phone I was
getting...not thank u for holding my head above water...not by the way I
ordered ring tones...not nothing. Just okay.

I'm so angry. But, its past anger for Afro..past anger for BGF...anger
at myself. I let myself be used.

and another thing!

Afroman found work! YAY! I might be entering into a plus-size pageant. We'll see.

That's it...lol

blah blah blah

Haven't really felt in the blogging mood, lately. I guess sometimes self-reflection is not so hot when you realize that you are in no way, shape, or form living the type of life you invisioned for yourself. I know that my life is not as bad as it could be...its not as bad as others' lives are...but in the heat of the night, that does not really comfort me. I want what I want. I want a life that's rich and full and gorgeous. Maybe these are not realistic expectations...I just don't know anymore.