Sunday, March 23, 2008

Mommy Dearest

So, my mom's birthday was 3 days ago. It kind of came and went. I wished
her a happy birthday. But besides that, there was not a lot of fanfare
on my part.

There wasn't much fanfare on her part for my birthday.

Its not like this is a tit for tat thing but it is what it is. I was
broke and hoping for the cable and my cell to not be turned off in time
for Friday's paycheck that is now a mere $100 on my coffee table that's
slowly dwindling anyway.

What can I say?

I felt bad because this year, she has gotten this shit end of the stick
because I've been broke. I've had no money since I moved out on my own.
So, yes, Christmas, birthday, everything...probably Mother's Day will
come and go and I will feel like lint because I'm just trying to make it
to the next paycheck.

I think that yes, I could've tried harder. But, I would've tried harder
if every chance I got, I wasn't getting judged. Sheesh. Everytime I turn
around, she's telling me how I should live my life. I know that she only
wants the best for me by telling me I should go to church and that I
shouldn't stays out all night....

I'm just asking myself....where is the woman who once told me she went
out on a night so cold her mother told her that only dogs and whores
were going to be out.

She told her mother that she'd bark that night.

Or maybe, she's turned into her mother.

But now that I think of it, all my friends got the shit end of the
stick. The black and white of it, I'm STRUGGLING.

She doesn't support the struggle, its almost as if she's enjoying it.
Like an "I told you so" that went way too far.

But I should know my family by now. I shouldn't expect for anyone to
rally around me and nurture and support me and they shouldn't expect for
me to do that either.

That, is the saddest fact of it all.

1 comment:

Jane said...

Don't worry doll, trust me life will find it's way of working itself out. I been where you are and still have months that are worst than what you're going through.... live int he momment and appreciate what you've come through....