These Dreams are Forever!

Disclaimer: Today is the first day of my period so things may seem a little bit more dire than they actually are...you guys tell me!

So...my weekend rocked and it just makes sense that Monday would suck the air out of me, no?

My mom keeps blowing up my phone. She called me on Saturday and left me an urgent message to take my laundry out of the basement. That's not fucking urgent! She does things like that all the time and so of course, when I saw a bunch of missed calls, I was not eager to hear what she had to say. I call her back and she's like...I'm applying for you to be a court clerk. The due date for applications is July 13th.

She starts asking me a million questions abt my job history and I'm like, "Can I just apply at home myself?"

She like, "No. You don't have the type of Adobe needed for the app process."

I sigh. She's like, "Do you want me to apply or not?"

I say no. I don't want to be a damn court clerk!

She's like well, what you're doing is not bringing you any money so you need to do something. I ask if we could talk ablt it later. She's like "NO! I want to talk about it now!"

I hang up on her.

She calls me back.

She's like "l know you didn't hang up on me! You need to remember I'm not one of your little friends....blah blah blah.. Why can't you have a job and do what you need to do on the side?"

I say...You just don't understand what its like to have to do something and its not your passion.

She's like...you can't eat passion or pay your bills with it.

I'm like..I really don't want to talk about this now. She keeps pushing and pushing. Eventually, I just let her talk.

She gets the hint that I've shut down and so she's like..."Well since you don't want me to help you find a job, do it on your own but GET. A JOB!" Then she hangs up on me.

Yea, I'm not rolling in the dough...I'm struggling. Sometimes, I'd rather struggle and wear the same things over and over than work a fucking job that I hate day in and day out that sucks the life out of me...sucks the creativity out of me.

I don't know what I'm going to do.
Sometimes, I just feel like I'm not going to make it and that everyone who told me so are going to laugh in my face and my mother will be first in line.

Crazy Week

Summer is officially here which means work! Yay!

Let's see:
Full-Figured Fashion Week came and left...still have some articles due. Did the short film, I talked abt in the last post. Bought some curtains and changed my living room around...found a place that will pull out my tooth for $15 but I still kind of want to hold on to it. My niece graduated from Junior High and had a party. She's so pretty!

Today was Celebrate Brooklyn Dau so there were lots of stuff going on in my borough!

There was the Ft Greene Festival which brought out some gorgeous ladies with natural hair! The bands were ok. No one really made me go wow. The dudes didn't know what to do with themselves. From there, Wynsters and I met up with her bf at Prospect Park. Her boyfriend (Mexican Jew) wanted to see this Tex-Mex band which played country rock music. The opening band played country music. There were fiddles and banjos. While I'm there, Common was on the stage at the fest I left. Could've thrown him my panties. Damn. Best part...all of this was free. I paid $4 for lil refreshments and stuff.

We ended the night with Dominican food. I got 2 juicy delish porkchops and yellow rice for $10. I couldn't finish it. It was Heaven! We saw Wynsters' friend's kittens...they're 10-week old Tabbies. They are so adorable but they fucked me up. My nose was congested, my eyes, throat and face were itchy. I was sneezing a million times but they are so adorable! I was only around them for 10 mins total...crazy!

Tomorrow is the AfroPunk Festival with J*Davey, Mos Def, The Cool Kids and more! I paid $22 for my ticket and I'm really hoping its money well spent. By that, I mean, I rope a dude who is super-dope and y'know see these amazing artists and such. Lol.


Hope you guys are enjoying your weekend!
Hope Trish and Jaded are taking study breaks and that YW blogs... ;)

Besos!

Unsolicited Advice

I did a movie today...or rather a short film about a girl who wants to be a dancer but her mother thinks she should get a real job. (Hmmmm) She ends up doing what she wants anyway...and it works out.

The AD (Assistant Director) was pretty dope. The star of the film was too. They're both 30 and both look like they're 21. Anyways, I was asking them about their most prized life lesson...AD said...(paraphrasing) She wished she didn't compromise so much. She was afraid to say no and so she gave in on a lot of things and ended up being upset but with herself. She says now, "she's too old for peer pressure," and she shuts things down quickly. If the answer is no the 1st time, the 20th time its still no and she doesn't discuss it if she knows its a no. I LOVE her no-nonsense attitude and I need some of that in my life.

Hoping to get my wisdom tooth pulled tomorrow...its late and I need to push myself to get up. it was excruciatingly painful on Friday to the point I couldn't go anywhere. I just came home and stayed in bed. I need to get my act together. I've been having trouble getting out of bed, getting motivated.

AD also said...I love everyone. I look out for everyone but at the end of the day...I look out for #1. People forget they're number 1 sometimes....
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MY BAD!

So, I changed the title of this blog instead of starting an entirely new one...FORGIVE ME!

Hope you guys can find me :)

etrange amour

I'm learning French so a lot of my titles/what I say will be in that langugage, fyi

Aussie called me yesterday. I did makeup for a wedding. The bride was happy and glowing. My money was on time with a lil extra....sweet. Anywhosies, he called me while I was waiting to begin the makeup. Clearly, I couldn't talk but I could tell he was sad about something. He refused to tell me what it was but...
but...
but....

My heart broke a little bit. There he was, sad or depressed and I couldn't do anything to help him out and then boom...here I go, sucked in a bit more actually WANTING to help him, almost needing him to lean on me a little bit because I (dare I say) LIKE him???

*gasp*

Its not killing me that I can't speak to him until Friday when his phone gets turned back on or that I don't know his address to (y'know) randomly show up at his house or that he can only speak to me for about 10 minutes at a time while he's at work...its just mildly annoying.

I mean, what does one DO with these feelings?

I suppose we can have a relationship but what does that even mean?

I've decided that I want to move to Bermuda at the end of the Summer. Maybe, late September...soooooooo.......do I play now and then forget him once Labor Day hits? Who needs the heartache?

I was eavesdropping on a conversation these two girls were having on the train. One girl was telling the other that her boyfriend was moving to Europe at the end of the summer. She met him last month and she really likes him and she didn't see the harm in having him as her boyfriend now even though he's leaving. I want to take stock in her thinking but it kind of sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Also, there are some other dudes I kind of have my eye on as well. So, do I play the field and keep Aussie at bay or do I go all in with him....**sigh**

I wish I could talk to him...like really really talk to him.

I was thinking about him...and men in general and how men lie because they're afraid they're not going to get the sex. I kind of just want to look him in the eye and tell him to give it to me straight...no fancy words...no promises...just tell me what he wants and why he wants it. I can handle hearing "I just want to fuck because I'm bored." I can deal with it. I just don't want to be lied to because it all comes out in the wash.

I don't want to invest feelings in some bullshit because...really..haven't we all?

eh-trahnge ah-mour

Dear Anonymous,

Eff off!!

I'm sorry for those who do not have Google Accounts and like to post comments....there are people who leave me spam comments about Vi.agra and such every single day to the point where it was getting ridiculous. Which means, you must have a Google Account/Open ID to leave me a comment. I like to welcome everyone to comment on my stuff....but people use and abuse.

Bella, I'm sorry. I hope you can still comment....

Thank you all for reading.

Carry on, folks.

Ahhh!

Besides my Awakening (a la Kate Chopin) « yes, I'm a nerd, look it up.

There have been some thinnnngs going on I just haven't spoken about.

Granny is still in rehab. While I was gone, my mom didn't visit her not once. Pissed, is the tip of the iceberg of how I felt. In 10 days, you didn't find the time at all to spend 20 minutes with her...umm, ok. I get back and there are some questions about her care...I need to do some research on. Then, I go to check on her house...her "friend" she gave her keys to to check on her apartment...I swear he had some people living in there. I saw sleeping bags and when I walked in, there was a woman and her daughter eating watching TV with a bed made. He assured me no one was living there. I'm going to swing by tomorrow to see what's what. My granny is known for leaving money around. She has a stash of at least $1k and she's forgetful. If I see the same people there, I'm going to call the cops, take his keys and lay down the law. I don't care if he's old enough to be my grandfather. My granny says she trusts him. They've been friends for 40 years. I don't trust him.

When I came back from Bermuda, Editor was supposed to have done some things to the website, have had a description of what she wanted from me in regards to partnership and when I came back, nothing was done. I was disappointed. I was tired. I came back fired up and ready to work and her not doing anything was like a slap in the face. I felt the weight of all I was doing for her magazine and I was just done. She sent me what she wants of me as far as the mag goes but I'm ready to walk away. I want to be free. She's not talking any money. She doesn't have money. When I left, I talked about all these projects I have with no revenue. This is a passion project but so is my makeup artistry. Something's got to give. We'll see. She's disorganized and not focused. I don't think I want that wagon hitched to mine. I have my own wheels to get turning.

So, yea...I feel like my life is in shambles. (Short version)

I feel stagnant. I know I haven't been back long (not even a week yet) but I intended on hitting the ground running. London will be here any moment and I need to get there. I'm about to grind harder than I was before because there are some things I need to get to. Maybe I might alter the plan a lil bit. Who knows?

Honestly, after thinking this through, I lost my mind for a day with this Aussie stuff. I remember why I was leaving the boys alone. I have work to do...
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Pt Deux

(Please read Don't Look Back Pt One)

I BBM'ed my friend from church, a minister's wife. It was like she was my sponsor.

"I fell off the wagon..." I told her what happened as I lay in bed smelling him on me. "I don't know...I want to get back with him but...ahhh..."

She said:
If u see that u have been on the right track without him then u should really think about getting back with him right now. You do know. You're very smart. You know right from wrong. Our flesh tends to take us off course. You gotta stay focused.

Me:
The scary part is...You're right. I do know right from wrong but what if I don't want to do the right thing anymore?

Her:
I've been there before. Trust me, you don't want the consequences of being disobedient. ‎​I can help u through this as much as I can. But don't allow any human to take the place of God! We all make mistakes. Don't stay there. Ask God for forgiveness and move on.

Me:
Yeah, I told him we have to move slow from now on. Our apartments are off limits.

Her:
Good decision. Try not to look back on what you've done too much. When we look back, we tend to stay there.

I understood what she was saying. Like...reliving it over and over will make me want to do it some more instead of putting it outside of my mind and moving on. Or maybe looking at it would make me kick myself over and over. For me, its a bit of both.

Do I want to throw 18 months of celibacy down the drain? My mind is telling me no..but my body...my body is telling me yesssss (*cue R.Kelly Bump and Grind*)

He called me last night after he left. I was exhausted.

"This is embarassing but...tomorrow my phone is going to get cut off. I've been short on hours and other bills need to get paid."

I definitely understood.

"Call me at work. I work from 12am - 8am Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings."

I could hear Gi's voice in my head.
"He's broke. What can he do for you? You gonna give it up to him?"

Ugh!

So many thoughts swirling in my head.

Celibacy ties into my faith. I've got friends telling me its stupid. Other friends telling me I need to experiment, know exactly what I like. More friends telling me "fuck men...single and sexy is what's up for the summer." "God loves a celibate woman."

What do I want?

@Muzeness on Twitter said it best, "No matter how tough and strong we are, we all need to be someone's baby."

I want to have sex. I want to hold hands in the street and be held by someone in bed but I don't want to deal with someone else's financial stress. (That's why I hate dating other writers, musicians, artists, etc...sad but true. I love their creativity but damn! We both can't be broke!) I don't want shopping sprees but I do want Coldstone on a summer night or a nice meal in a restaurant. *sigh*

His phone will be turned off til June 18th which means, the ball is in my court.

My BBM status said it perfectly:

Je ne sais pas...La lutte en moi parfois trop lourd a porter.

Pretty, right?

I don't know why...the struggle in me...so hard to bear.

Sounds better in French, yes?

*sigh*

Any advice...PLEASE!
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Don't Look Back. Pt One

*Ummm....slightly NSFW. *

Aussie text me today asking if he could see me before he had to go to work. I told him I needed my air conditioner put up which he obliged me.

He came over at a quarter to 9. I was wearing my romper. Which is like a one-piece that has shorts. Its loose fitting. It took him 5 minutes to put the A/C up. We sat and I put in Ice Age: The Meltdown. Don't ask me why....

I kept slapping him. He tickled me. I laid on his chest. His heart was beating so fast. I straddled him and kissed him. We made out so intensely. He grabbed my ass, grinding me into him. Even through my clothes and his jeans, I could tell he was hard. He brought my breasts to his face, unbuttoning the front of my romper, pulling my breasts from my bra. He licked between my breasts...kissed it and then sucked and licked my nipples. He put his face between my breasts.

I told him he's going to go to work smelling like my spit. He said, "I'll go to work smelling like your anything."

I told him we should stop, getting off of him. Sitting on the opposite end of the couch. He laid his body over mine. Kissing me. I wrapped my legs around him, feeling under his shirt. His skin was smooth. He stood over me, pinned my legs back, pushed the fabric of my shorts. He kissed and licked at my clit.

I stopped him.

"Your pussy is so wet. I know it tastes good. Let me taste you."

I kissed him, pushing him off of me.

"Are we just this?" I asked.

"No, we're more. I want more. I want all of you. I want to get back together. "

I wasn't sure. My knees were in my chest.

We looked at each other for a few moments.

"Do you know what that means? We have to take it slow. We can't do this and that."

"I know," he said.

He parted my legs and kissed my knee, running his fingers down my thighs, he kissed my inner thigh, working down with kisses trailing...

I resisted.

He went straight for it, licking and sucking and fingering me. Within minutes, I was singing his name not wanting him to stop. My body was shaking but he kept on.

I was kind of self-conscious because I need to trim down there. Haven't had any visitors in a long while, haven't clipped the hedges this month yet.

He didn't seem to mind or care.

He kissed me, pressing himself into me. I pushed him off of me. He unbuckled his pants. I rested on my knees, sucking his dick. My jaw was a bit tight. Ummm, out of practice...he moaned, urging me to go deeper...

He is thick and long.

I went down as far as I could. He stopped me...he told me to bend over on the couch as he slapped my ass, pulling down the remainder of my clothes.

"No, we are not having sex," I said pulling my shorts back up, buttoning the front of my romper.

He pulled me onto the floor, sucking on my breasts. He pulled over my shorts and undies again and ate me some more.

"I can't get enough," he said.

I stopped him.

"Please, let me taste you some more. You taste so sweet," he said.
"Its 10:30. You have to go to work."

He bent me over. Slapped my ass, grabbed my breasts and rubbed himself against me.

"You have to go."

He asked to use my bathroom. He knew where my linens were. He took a washcloth and washed his face, hands and penis. (The male hoe bath? Lol)

He kissed me as he pressed me against the door....I wrapped my legs around him once more. He started to unbuckle his pants.

"I have to go. Stop starting trouble. Oh my God. You look so good. I've missed you."

He pulled me off of him. I didn't want him to leave but making him stay would be trouble.

"I'll call you," he said. I watched him leave.
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Concrete Jungle

Life has not been so sweet as I'm transitioning back to reality.

As soon as I got back, within 4 hrs, I learned of everyone's problems. It was like being weightless in space to come back home and have a ton of bricks dropped on me.

I don't wanna talk about that right now.

Tonight, I wore my famous blue pencil skirt, tank top, frilly hat and 5 inch heels, Russian Red lipstick- no other makeup...ready to party.

At the first after work event, this dude grabs me so hard and starts dancing on me.

I said no.

He says in a thick accent..."Me feel for a win(e)"

I said no.

He says..."I'm from Grenada. Where you from?"

I say, "Bermuda."

He just walks away.

Hunh? O.o

I left to go to this gay club in Harlem for my friend's birthday. The club is on 128th and Amsterdam. Whyyyyyyy was it so random tucked away on a sketchy ass street. Its midnite and I'm walking in Harlem by myself like...ummm....ok.

The party was great though. My new drink is Coconut Ciroc w/pineapple and a dash of cherry syrup. Tastes like juice.

I left the party with these girls who dropped me off at the train station. After forever, the train came. As we get to 59th St...who do I see but AUSSIE!

There was this FINE specimen I was staring a hole into. He looked as though he were chiseled out of marble...nice suit...he spoke Spanish to his friend. GORGEOUS and then I see this dark-skinned dude sit opposite him. I knew immediately it was Aussie.

My whole body felt flush. He was rubbing his eyes...he looked tired. I looked great so I walked over to him and sat down.

It took him a minute to realize I was staring at him. He gave me a hug and we started talking. He moved out of his grandmother's, works 2 jobs now and seems to be a lot more focused. He apologized for how things went with us. He said he was still reeling from how I broke up with him but he understood. I told him I thought he was playing games and was cheating on me. He explained that he broke up with a girl a month before we hooked up and he hadn't yet healed from that situation. His grandma had him on lock and key. He was just stressed. He took it out on me.

He asked for my number. I gave it to him. He told me I look great like every other sentence. (YES!)

He wants to hang out. So do I (didn't tell him that).
Trying not to let my hormones get the best of me. On June 19th, I will have been celibate for a year and a half. Precisely, the last time Aussie and I had sex. Today, I was telling myself I need a boo thang for the summer and boom...Aussie reappears.

NYC is funny. The Devil is always busy...lol.
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Fin

This is the last night I spend in Bermuda. Just like that, my vacation is over.

I'm feeling great! My family went from 3 to 300 (no, literally). My entire life, my stepmom aka mom kept me to herself, telling me my family despised me, didn't like, want or need me when it is the direct opposite.

I'm focused. I've got some plans going. I feel inspired, energized and amped.

This whole vacation, my nephew R1 was telling me to have faith, whatever you want to do, do it. Today he gave me these lil cards to carry in my purse called 30 words of power. He's awesome!

I'm going home and it definitely is not going to be roses. In fact, I have a feeling my apartment smells like hot ass. I forgot to take out the garbage. I'm still broke. I still have some roadblocks. I've renewed my strength to maneuver around them for a bit.

God is great!
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