hanging out with smart friends.

i haven't really been talking about work stuff because...

boooring.
and depressing.

but work is really shitting on my sunny disposition.
and i really am not sure what i'm going to do.

so, wynsters was listening to me wax poetic about how i'm fucking just hating my life.
and she said something amazing.

she said.
sometimes, you have to do some shit you don't want to do in order to get to the place where you don't hve to do it anymore.

having smart friends, man.

she gave me a glimmer of hope.


....until i want to slit my wrists next week.

microwave love

so i made claude dinner for his birthday on the 22nd. i made bacon-covered bbq chicken with roasted potatoes and asparagus. i decorated his dining area with christmas lights, candles and flowers. he even had a freakin gift. that meal was delicious, too. everything was purple- his fave color. even the special drink i made him was purple. i wore a purple top and a tight skirt and thigh high boots that kept falling because my thighs are smaller now. boom!

(yes, claude's real name starts with a j..sneaky...lol)

he was really appreciative and i was tipsy so we went into the bedroom and made the sex for 3 minutes and 49 seconds. lit'rally.

 and carlos is still buzzing around and convincing me of something...what that something is, i have no idea, yet. i guess to not friend zone him. maybe, he's trying to convince me to take my time. i'm a woman of the 00's. i want my shit now. i want my love microwaved so that when it buzzes and i open the door, butterflies and doves fly out at me. so, we're in this weird dance. i'm mildly aware of him.

 his birthday was the 27th. we went to see the secret life of walter mitty. awesome movie. and i just kept staring at his eyelashes. they're like a doll's. ridiculous. and he kept staring at my lips. and then the last hour we were together, we both knew the date (??) was winding down so i kept staring at his mouth.

Fuck RomComs!

So it seems I never talked about this dude I met on POF. He is one of the last dudes I met before I just abandoned ship. I shall call him Carlos. Carlos and I met in late July and have been talking ever since. At the time, he was living in Panama.

I know, weird.

He was working on his PhD, studying abroad in Spain when his funding fell through. He didn't want to come home (to Brooklyn, where I also live - just in case ya didn't know) so he went to live with an aunt in Panama for a year.

Awesome not awesome.

Well, we met and talked and it was cool. He kept saying how he was coming home and being the cynical bitch I am, I was like..yeah, right. But he did!! In September. And I was all like...oh yea, we're totally going to be a couple. We talked every day and we did some "show me yours, i'll show you mine" via Skype and the vibes were vibing. Then.....he came home and it was like...oh shit, he needs a job and a cell phone and a place to live.

Being the macho latin man that he is, he did not ask me to help but I felt weird inviting him out to places and him not having money or being strapped for cash so we didn't hang out.

until October. and it was a cheap date and it was fun.

Same ole G

Claude and I went to the Ginuwine performance at BBKings. He likes live music and when he told me he had bought the tickets (before we met),

I thought it was funny. Who buys tickets to see Ginuwine live? Is this 98?

Anyway, we went even though it was hailing and snowing and raining...typical NY winter.

  He told me the show started at 8. I got off at 7. He then tells me...oohhh the show starts at 7:30 when I was getting off. Grrr... I get there at 7:40 and only missed 1 song. Cool. We had a great time. Ginuwine is washed up...but it was funny watching these chicks go crazy for him like how these little teenaged girls go crazy for Justin Beiber.

Anyway...in the beginning of the show...G said...how many people in relationships we have in the room? I didn't say anything. Claude made noise and then looked at me like...o_o lol...I'm such a jerk.

So, when he asked again I made noise and he looked at me like...you better had....lol. We ate, we drank, I grinded my booty on him and we took the train home. As we were just kicking it on the train, I kept finding myself smiling like an idiot. I think our sexual difficulties are because he wasn't all the way comfy with me. He's coming out of his shell more. I likey.

I told my inner circle about him. I sent pics and everything. So, my friends know. I just hope I don't end up flat on my face.


 You guys seemed to like the music I put up at the end of posts. So, lets see if I can keep that up. lol

what do you want?

all day I've been asking myself this very question. 2013 was mildly successful. I went to Europe like I want. I changed jobs like I wanted. I landed a dude - a couple of dudes that I wanted. what else? i'm angry and pms-y and I've been trying to keep my crazy from the general public. as much as I can seeing as I work with the general public every day... blah so,what do I want to accomplish in 2014? I think I've been reluctant to answer this question for myself because that would require actually doing these things. part of me thinks I have no fight left and i'm just tired swinging my white flag around. when did I become this person? when did I realize that life is effing hard? I had all intentions of working on a vision board and making all these goals for the new year but I came home and ate chocolate chip cookies instead. because i'm a winner. did I tell you guys I lost 18lbs?! as soon as I found that out, i'm like....I want chocolate...NOW. ugh. I gotta keep up the good work because I really would love to be a size 12. like a standard ny and company size 12. I remember being a kid and my mom buying me clothes from there. the last time I was a size 12, I was probably 12. and I always thought I just had baby fat and I would grow out of it and be skinny and wear beautiful clothes from ny and co. crazy thoughts. this ish is work! being away from the gym from 1 week, I couldn't run the mile and a half I worked my way up to these past 2 months...wha???? I was struggling and then ran for 10 minutes, walked for 10 minutes....those 10 minutes were HARD. what have I done? after I came home from the gym, I had 4 chocolate chip cookies and a half a 24oz can of strawberrita. am I depressed? or is it really pms? I don't know. I feel frustrated with my job. I work part time and i'm an adult woman living in expensive nyc. bills are always past due. I owe everyone! twin called me and was like...hey...do you want to drop $300 on jill scott tickets for Nye? once upon a time, i'd be like...yup...see me on Friday. now, i'm clutching my pearls like...THREE HUNDRED AMERICAN DOLLARS? and this sucks I tried to transfer to a higher hour position at another store because...working in Brooklyn is annoying. I work with chicks like me..broke and have no business buying makeup trying to squeeze them for that extra product. that shit is so.....annoying at times. - all the time - I don't have money so I keep my broke ass home. lit'rally. my boss was like...there is a position opening at my store for more hours that I can try out for but I'd have to prove I really want to be there and i'm like... ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm idk. do I? will making more money make me happier or do I just fuckin hate working in Brooklyn? I can't tell. and in the back of my mind, i'm like 2014...I want it to be the year of national trips. I want to go to new Orleans and I should visit my fam in Bermuda and I kind of want to go to the grand canyon. and I want to do this working 23 hours a week? HOW?! and my birthday is coming in February and I want to go to Miami. and my ipod just gave up the ghost today. my blood pressure is sky high. I guess having faith is seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. through all the darkness and snakes and rats and roaches and things that go bump in the night. and my commitment-phobe self is like... do you really want a boyfriend? when I have 50-11 thousand posts on this here blog talking about how lonely my ass is. WHY? because what I wanted didn't come in the package I thought it would and that's talking about the job and the dude. wtf universe!?! you are so funny.... *le sigh* maybe the chocolate cravings is just emotional eating and I have to stop that shit. not cool. I can finally start to see the top of my collarbones and I like it and I don't want them to go away. I keep telling myself to relax. the holidays are always at TEN on the stress meter and that in January, i'd be better. oh yeah, and I've had raging insomnia for the past 6 months (at least) this is all temporary. must remember temporary.

the h word

So, Belle posted this comment on the last post:
I had to post a response (i read, but rarely post). I think it's great that you've found someone who is treating you well. I can tell you are ready for real love, and I hope you and Claude will be good to each other

Firstly, thanks for commenting!!!
And yes.....you used a word that had been in my mind for a while that I didn't want to put out in the world.

HOPE.

I have tons of fucking hope.
Hope scares me because it breeds the sense that things are going to get better. It makes you buy expensive Christmas gifts that make you live off of rice and beans (literally) for the rest of the week because you want to make sure that person knows you're not fucking around. youre serious and damn it, if he is too then let's ride this pony together.

for example.

hope scares me because I've had my heart shitted on by so many losers this year, I fear that if I give in to the fact that, yes, Claude is a wonderful human and he digs me and we share shit..if for one instance, I *gasp* call him my boyfriend...the Mayans would be proven right and the world will end this year. birds will fall out the sky. locusts will swarm the white house. end of the world shit.

I can't be responsible. not when Sasha Obama is growing up to be so cute.

im always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
men just stop communicating with me out of thin air for no reason.

i'm still scarred from the whole correy debacle.
I didn't blog this but best I ever had did the same shit

we had plans to bang. earlier in the day, we were laughing via text. all I needed to know was what time to come over. that last text was never answered.
wtf happened?? why did he never respond when just an hour prior we were joking about how good the sex is?
 I will never know!!

and since these 2 men aren't the only ones to have done that to me in my lifetime...I sometimes think..oh shit..what if claude isn't fucking real? why do men do that? do they do that in general or just to me?

and I get scared.

and I just want him to stick around for a little while.

oh...that's how you communicate!

i had a really shitty day today.

just bitches being bitches and I came home and drank half a bottle of pink moscato because i'm a boss.

I called claude. he listened and reasoned with me. he made me feel better about my work situation.

and then we talked about our sexcapade on sunday.

he was....embarrassed.

honestly, the sex wasn't planned on any of our parts. he felt like he was too much in his head, wanting to please me and he ended up...not.

I told him I was worried he would think I was a sluthoe. he laughed and said he knows better.
we gave each other tips on how to get the other off.

we talked for 3 hours. about everything on our minds.
it was nice.

we made plans to have dinner at his place on this sunday. next Saturday, we're going to see Ginuwine. the next sunday is his 40th birthday...(whoa) and he requested I cook for him (yea, good luck to both of us) and then the next Saturday, we're going to see Keith Sweat.

he likes live music.
and 90s heartthrobs...lol.

so, he's my boyfriend. at least for the next month.

crossing my fingers it lasts til valentine's day.

the missing ingredient

sunday morning, I awoke to a good morning text from claude. a smile erupted on my face as I mused out loud how great it would be if we could have made brunch plans for that day.  he told me his son (who is 14) was over there and we could definitely see each other that night. he offered to cook or order me something to eat.

sweet.

I go over to his house which is about 30 minutes from me by bus (he wanted me to take a cab that he'd pay for and I refused) and it's nice. no real furniture in the living room...lol. he wanted to watch football.

it became apparent to him after like 5 minutes of us watching that football wasn't going to fly so we ordered food, sat at his table and talked. claude is old school in that he likes to take care of his woman (I don't mind...too much) but that has been burned by these new age hoes that take advantage. he told me about a woman who went on 6 or 7 dates with him and didn't offer to pay not once.

interesting.

anyway, we cuddled and watched the soul train awards mixed in with music videos on vh1 soul. he has a thing for chrisette michelle and everytime boris kodjoe came on the telly, my panties got wet. I mentioned that I was thinking of letting my hair grow out and cutting it like chrisette's and possibly dying it white.

he said..'that's cool. my girlfriend is going to be storm.'

*record scratch*

I played it cool and was like, hahaha...yea...

in my head I was like GIRLFRIEND!!!

so, we're making out pretty hot and heavy and he's all horny and i'm trying to debate whether or not to go there.

we went there.
and it was small....and wack....

so, now i'm a little disappointed. i'm sure we can work on the sex part. everything else is cool.
we have a date for the 14th.