relapse

yesterday, i had a photo shoot and i am so proud of myself! i did 4 models, 2 looks each + 2 stylists. 10 looks in 3 hours...which is amazing because usually, when i take my time...i take 45 minutes on one face.

and...i got paid! :)

hallelujah! lol

when i got home, i was exhausted so i fell asleep for about 4 hours. i had a late night client come over because she was going to a black tie affair that started at 11. she came over at 9...she looked amazing.

i cleaned my brushes and was tinkering on the computer when i started talking to carter.
we cleared the air in a funny way. i was telling him that people say most aquarians are cold.
he said i am cold because of the way i was so cut and dry about us not being able to date.
blah blah blah
by the end of the conversation, i apologized for not sugar-coating what i said. it was late and i needed to try and get some sleep.

at 2am, i was tossing and turning and i kept having sex daydreams about carter. they were so intense.

i called him. his children were over his house which killed the mood. they kept asking "Is that our mommy you're on the phone with?" until he put me on speaker phone and they knew I wasn't her.

i wanted pillow talk but somehow we got into teen pregnancy. weird.

lust is a very powerful emotion. extremely powerful.
so powerful that i was looking up plane tickets to get to him. where he's at, you literally need a car to get to. the closest airport takes your 45 mins away from him and umm, of course...taxis...HA! i was looking up that ish at 3am!

woke up late for service today but I'm glad I went.
today in church...my pastor has been teaching a series about love.

today's sermon was "Love is Commitment"
he was talking about truly being committed to God and how God is in turn committed to us because He promises us certain things throughout His Word.

Yo...
I have never felt more convicted in seeing that what i was doing is wrong.

He said.....
"How many of us know that what we're walking into is wrong but we're not breaking our stride? We just keep doing our mess even though God is trying to talk to us to compell us not to do it anymore?"

Was he not in my bedroom last night??
it's like seeing a sign on a beach that says there's a shark in there and still going for a swim anyway, assuming that you won't be eaten.
i need to snap out of it.
the only only only thing i want from carter is his body. really, if i wanted sex, i could go down the block...literally...so, why am i going through the motions and the Emotions???

how i ended up looking up flights is because carter was going through how difficult it would be to get to nyc. he went in on all aspects - childcare, money, being with his parents, etc.
so...i was like..it would be less difficult for me to go to him.

but, why spend money on a plane ticket (cheapest is $254) on a booty call? i doubt the penis is that good!

it's like...i've progressed to where men who are right in front of me offer me sex all the time and i shut them down but men who are hundreds of miles away are irresistible. it is a constant struggle. the dumbest part is that carter told me he can't commit, being as the ink on his divorce papers are still wet. i want a relationship, so again, why am i pursuing this man?

GET IT TOGETHER, NINA GIRL!

this time, i'm not going to announce it to carter...i'm just going to back off and let things go its course.

men are so good at disappearing...i'm going to try and do the same.

Walls + Words

"I don't think you're ready for a relationship," I said. "Honestly speaking, I don't see anything happening between you and I."

I had thrown a monkey wrench at him. I'd been feeling like giving everyone a good piece of my mind. He was caught in the crosshairs. He thanked me for my honesty.

It hasn't been the same since.

I wonder if I were wrong for sharing that with Carter. A part of me wanted to enjoy the melody of my heart's pitter patter when I saw his name flash across my phone or smile sweetly at him on vchat but he was rented. We were using each other to fill the void of loneliness in our hearts.

No laws were broken and no love lost, however, I've been down that road before; building ties that are hard to cut.

Perhaps, I'm afraid of where the path may lead. Two roads diverged in a wood and I took the one less traveled by: honesty with the person who matters most - myself.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Snap Out of It + Brooklyn Carter

Thank you guys for your care and concern. Last night, I cried. I prayed. I told myself why I was feeling the way I was. Afterwards, I fell asleep in that way you can only sleep when you've spilled all your guts and you're empty inside.
I woke up this morning and saw the clouds (no Sun, it was raining...) and I thought...OK, Nina, make a damn decision. Either, you're going to live or curl up and die slowly. I showered, brushed my teeth, put on some clothes and faced the day. I'm not saying that I'm cured but being active helps.
++++++
In my newfound go-getter mentality, I worked non-stop from 1pm until I fell in my bed at midnight. I was exhausted. My head felt like brick. I'd fantasized and masturbated (ya know...to relieve some of that brick feeling) and I was feeling pretty delicious and tingly all over when he called. Carter. I hesitated before I answered. I hit him up on gchat but he was busy, so I thought that possibly, he would top off my yummy feeling.

"Tell me about your last relationship," he asked.

Damn, I guess we were having a serious conversation. He called in response to a tweet that I'd posted saying how I wish I could go back to a time before my heart was broken.

I told him briefly about Aussie and Afroman...it took about 3 minutes. He said, "Oh you haven't had any real drama."

I said rather sarcastically, "I guess...since I've never been married and divorced."

The sarcasm was lost on him. He began with, "Well, I was married and now I'm divorced with 3 kids."

I listened for 30 minutes as he talked non-stop about his ex in detail. I was over it. I feigned sleepiness in order to get off of the phone.

To be so young, I've dated a pretty cool cross-section of men. He reminds me of Dame. Yes, Dame...the one who said he only wanted fwb but after sleeping together 3 times, he asked why we never went out on dates and then proceeded to cry saying how he never wanted to be hurt again. Dame was not over his ex-wife. Carter is Dame. One in the same.
I've heard soooo much about this ex-wife, I feel like I know her. It's uncanny and beginning to get annoying..

I now have to figure out a way to distance myself (I.e not talk to him every day) without hurting him and jeopardizing our friendship. I doubt I'm reading the signs wrong. I'm sure ya'll will inform me but I've been an emotional dumpster for so many in my life, I refuse to continue.

I really can't stand a man who talks too much.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

I've re-written this post several times because the others seemed so serious. I just need to say what I have to say and however it comes out is how it comes out. Don't judge me!

+++++
The rain beats itself against my window as I lay in my bed in the dark. The heavy sheets, my protection against the cold. I wish life had a safety blanket. For some, it does...the hard taste of alcohol or the wild heat of sex. We all have our coping mechanisms. What's mine?

God?

No offense to the Big Guy, but these days, I'm looking for something a bit more...tangible.

More than ever, I'm wishing for a beach. I miss the Sun on my face. I feel...as though I am missing something. I ask God if I am slipping into depression. I've been here before. My apartment is a mess. My mother would shame me if she surprised me with a visit.

I'm starting to feel less and less of a connection to the people around me.

I have a business to run. I have projects, deadlines...I don't really care.

I feel like a shell of myself. People tell me about their problems and I listen and I give out inspiration. That is who I am. Most of the time, they neither ask nor care about how I am. Everyone wants something from me it feels like.

I have nothing.

Sometimes, it's not their fault, really. I'm like a clam. My feelings are my pearls. I open up when the time is right.

I am the Master Manipulator...my bubbly demeanor masking my issues. It's in my eyes.

I feel like I am a mess. People don't see it. Am I that good at faking it?

In 2006, BFF was failing school, her relationship was falling apart. She maxed out a credit card and went to Atlanta. I don't have that luxury. If I did, I'd go to Bermuda - to St. John Smith's Bay - my favorite beach. It has pink sand and a cave. I would live on the beach.

My passport expired so the next best thing would be South Beach, Miami. It smelled so divine! I was so relaxed there. It was so dangerous because I wasn't on alert like how I am here. I never looked over my shoulder, never blinked twice about being on the beach at midnight not being able to see in front of me. I just remember my sun tan lotion and the blue beach umbrella. Heaven.

It is impossible to be sad at the beach.

Who can I be vulnerable with enough to tell them how I feel and trust they will really care?
No one.

I guess I have to shake it off soon. I don't want rodents and my assistant (who's had since Friday off) will be in on Thursday. Plus, really...I have to have a damn good explanation for needing to borrow $400 for a plane ticket to paradise.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Listen to the Wind

On Saturday, I left Twin's house still feeling the sting of Gi's words about Carter. So, I called him and I told him the entire conversation we had about him.

What he said was really mature:

"Of course she, like most women, would prefer the drug dealer over the college student with 3 kids. That dude has way more time and money on his hands than me. That's a decision you would have to make. I'm trying to build something for the future. I'm doing it a bit late in life but I'm doing it. Right now, we are just friends and I like it that way. We're still getting to know each other. You're easy to talk to. Easy on the eyes. I'm very attracted to you but we're just friends. So, don't put your life on hold for me. If another opportunity comes your way, take it. If you know what I mean."

I do and I appreciate his honesty. He put it in perspective. For once, I'm listening to a man in English and not translating it to mean what I want it to mean. Its also refreshing to not feel like someone wants something from me. The sex thing is clear. He knows where I stand and that it is immovable. The distance helps in that regard. It's companionship. Ya dig?

Embarrassingly enough, I'm back on certain dating sites. (Boo! Hiss! Boo!) I figured I'd try and put myself out there for men who actually want to date in my zip code. If anything develops, I'll keep ya'll posted!

Today, I really felt like my world were crumbling around me. I got up, showered went to the post office, bought some stuff for the house, ate breakfast...trying to ignore that feeling. Spoke to BFF. Spoke to an annoying client. I couldn't deny it anymore. I stayed in bed the majority of the day. I ignored phone calls, texts, emails, etc. I really just wanted to give up.
Mom came home. I went to her house because I needed her to do me a favor. She asked if I wanted to get us something to eat. We did that. I watched NCIS as I ate. Came home and cleaned the house a little bit, talked to Carter on video chat.

He asked me how I was doing and for the first time all day, I was honest:

I quit life today. I stayed in bed and watched hours go by because I feel defeated in many ways.

He smiled at me and said, Well...you quit today. Tomorrow, its time to ask for your job back because you've invested too much time into your business to just let it go.

He said some other stuff too. It lifted my spirits without being cheesy.

Later in the convo, he said, "You look all soft and warm. I just want to hold you."

I scolded him, saying "That's not what you say to your friends."

Secretly, I'm thinking...Tonight would've been a perfect night to be held.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

No Not One

There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus...no, not one....

That song is stuck in my head.
Today was a day. Let's just say it included angry Asians, choosing between food and transportation, a random conversation with a Saudi Arabian with extension braids and hating stilettos. One day, I will relive it in this space. For now, I'm in the bed....tired.

For a few weeks, I've been asking God if I'm depressed. For months, I've been talking about friends that don't do for me as I do them. For years, I've needed a vacation and lately, I've been wondering if my mind was going to take the vacay without my body. If you catch my drift.

I am so strong and so fragile.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Crack Music

I had drinks with Gi last night. I was talking to Carter on the phone as she walked up to meet me.

She asked me who I was speaking to and I told her.

"Oh the one that didn't pay when you guys went out that time?"

I'd totally forgotten about that. Basically, we ended up getting food and he didn't have $$ to pay for his meal let alone mine, too. I paid for both of us. It was embarrassing. For both of us.

Gi thinks I should've cut him off then.

As we were eating, Gi tells me abt Ant, her boyfriend of 3 months who just got locked up last week for selling drugs.

I was shocked.

She described how he was selling at 1pm on Saturday afternoon. He did a weekend in Ryker's Island, a tough prison in NYC. He made it seem like he was using drugs instead of selling them and he may have to go to rehab instead of jail time. The same thing also happened in 2003, he admitted to her after the fact.

"Are you going to leave him alone?" I asked.

"If he doesn't stop."

He's not, I thought. So Gi would rather date a drug dealer than have me date a broke college student.

"He has too much baggage," she said about Carter.

"Why are you getting advice from Gi?" Twin asked me.

I thought about it. He was right.

There's that Kanye lyric where he was like..." How can a goddess take advice from a mere mortal. Oh em gee! You listen to that bitch?"

Her words were still swimming in my head when I came home. I got on v-chat with Carter. We talked about how women are fueled by emotions. It was a continuation of an earlier conversation we'd had. I looked at him. He is very easy on the eyes. I have no real desire to be with him. I see our interaction as a void-filler for both of us. We both want to sleep with each other. This is like an extended foreplay. I just have to keep that in mind.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile