What he said was really mature:
"Of course she, like most women, would prefer the drug dealer over the college student with 3 kids. That dude has way more time and money on his hands than me. That's a decision you would have to make. I'm trying to build something for the future. I'm doing it a bit late in life but I'm doing it. Right now, we are just friends and I like it that way. We're still getting to know each other. You're easy to talk to. Easy on the eyes. I'm very attracted to you but we're just friends. So, don't put your life on hold for me. If another opportunity comes your way, take it. If you know what I mean."
I do and I appreciate his honesty. He put it in perspective. For once, I'm listening to a man in English and not translating it to mean what I want it to mean. Its also refreshing to not feel like someone wants something from me. The sex thing is clear. He knows where I stand and that it is immovable. The distance helps in that regard. It's companionship. Ya dig?
Embarrassingly enough, I'm back on certain dating sites. (Boo! Hiss! Boo!) I figured I'd try and put myself out there for men who actually want to date in my zip code. If anything develops, I'll keep ya'll posted!
Today, I really felt like my world were crumbling around me. I got up, showered went to the post office, bought some stuff for the house, ate breakfast...trying to ignore that feeling. Spoke to BFF. Spoke to an annoying client. I couldn't deny it anymore. I stayed in bed the majority of the day. I ignored phone calls, texts, emails, etc. I really just wanted to give up.
Mom came home. I went to her house because I needed her to do me a favor. She asked if I wanted to get us something to eat. We did that. I watched NCIS as I ate. Came home and cleaned the house a little bit, talked to Carter on video chat.
He asked me how I was doing and for the first time all day, I was honest:
I quit life today. I stayed in bed and watched hours go by because I feel defeated in many ways.
He smiled at me and said, Well...you quit today. Tomorrow, its time to ask for your job back because you've invested too much time into your business to just let it go.
He said some other stuff too. It lifted my spirits without being cheesy.
Later in the convo, he said, "You look all soft and warm. I just want to hold you."
I scolded him, saying "That's not what you say to your friends."
Secretly, I'm thinking...Tonight would've been a perfect night to be held.
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